Life After Divorce

Where do I begin?

Ah, yes. Today. Valentine's Day. The day that the world celebrates the most simple, yet complicated word called love.

Last year was the most difficult year of my life. I went through divorce. No one goes into a marriage with a divorce planned out. To everyone who asked how my married life was, I always described it as perfect, but perfect is such a scary word. It's a dangerous word. We all experience ups and downs in life - in anything, really. In success, in the stock market, even the path that planes take in flight. But especially in relationships. Nothing in life is a smooth-sailing upward trend. No one in this life has lived without failing at some point, to some extent. Ups and downs give us balance and stability. They are opportunities to learn and grow, reflect and reform.

The moment I realized that my marriage was too perfect to be true was the moment I was out of it. I lived in a facade - in a dream. I was putting out a life that everybody (including myself) wanted me to live. As they say, people are blinded in love. And my young arrogance completely blinded me to the signs and attention I should have given to things that needed to be addressed. I made excuses, tricking my mind (the reasonable half of me) into thinking that everything was fine when it wasn't. I lived like this for five whole years.

So as of October 1, 2019, I am a divorced woman. Divorce was traumatizing. It was scary. I experienced phases and feelings I've never experienced. In July, I went through self-hatred. I had suicidal thoughts. I pointed the finger at myself and myself only. I thought everything was my fault. I had never felt so alone in my entire life and wanted to end it so, so badly.

In August, I was able to gather the courage to turn to my immediate family and close friends. This month consisted of developing my inner strength to let myself become vulnerable and share some of the most sensitive parts of my life. It was scary. I thought that they would stop loving me or see me differently. But when they received me with open arms, embraced me, and continued loving me like they always have, I started seeing my situation from a different perspective. They pulled me out of this deep and dangerous blind spot that I have been in for years, and helped me see how dysfunctional and unhealthy it was for me.

September was difficult, as my now ex-husband was still living in my home. Sitting in the same room. Sleeping in the same bed. Yet we lived with an invisible barricade. We drove separately to the same places. We didn't know how to feel about each other. I kept to myself, while he kept to himself. I was eagerly waiting for the day he'd finally move out. I wanted him out. So. Bad.

Then he was gone. He left with all his belongings and never returned. I remember coming home from work that day feeling so relieved. I remember feeling free. I cried out because it was the happiest I've felt in years. For once in the last half-decade, I started investing time and energy into me. I found ways to make myself happy. I figured out how to get along with me. Just me and myself.

Over the next few months, I found myself again. I learned self-love - that the first person you need to love is yourself. Loving yourself is not selfish. And there is nothing wrong with taking a little bit of time for yourself once in a while. Today, I can look into the mirror and say that I am happy and proud of who I am today. I live a different life now, but through a better version of me.

Happy Valentine's Day to all, whether you are happily single, unhappily single, in a relationship, whether it's complicated, happily married, not-so-happily married, going through a divorce... there is only 1 common thing we all need and that is to love yourself first. Make this day about you.