Letting the Walls Down but Then Building Them Higher

It all starts just over 4 years ago, I finally let the walls I had built up come down and dated my best friend. He was always there for me just like I was there for him, but things soon changed. I changed, January of 2017 I was in an armed robbery at my job and held at knife point, I never actually dealt with it and because I never sought out help it became PTSD. The more I pretended the robbery never happened, the more the nightmares happened. It caused my anger to become so bad that it ruined the best relationship I ever had. We started fighting over the littlest of things, turned out my insecurities about dating a volunteer Fire Fighter/EMT were part of what destroyed the relationship. A few months later he wanted to try the friends with benefits card, I warned him that it wouldn't work, that one of us would catch feelings. Turns out I was right, I caught feelings, but he chose to play games and keep my on the side while he decided to date someone else. The biggest problem was that I lived in an apartment with him and shared a room with him. Things went to hell on May 2nd, 2019 when we had the most explosive argument, we went months where we would either ignore each other or fight over the phone. That whole thing caused my walls to go up even higher than it once was. It has caused me to have a stone-cold heart towards love. Here it is, the end of 2020 and I still have such a hard time trying to overcome al the heartache and pain. The texts only come now when he wants something, is bored or booty call. It has taken me a long time to get over the fact that time and time again, there are broken promises from him, but now for the last 3 to 4 months, it has been broken promises and ghosting. I thought that I could handle being friends with him because of how long we have known each other but now I can’t handle it. I can’t handle how my heart breaks every time I see his name pop up on my phone. I tried so hard to delete old things with him but it is so hard because so many memories, good, bad and down right ugly are there. He was there when my very first boyfriend mentally, verbally, and emotionally abused me, he was there when I went through major depression after my grandfather passed away. Just knowing that I am now barely even a thought to him as a friend even, it emotionally kills me because I never treated him like that. I always treated him so much better than what he treated me and that was my mistake. It was my mistake keeping hope that there was a ever a chance to keep the friendship alive. I make jokes to some of my friends that when I die of old age, my tombstone will read “always the “friend” never a lover. Always alone” and it’s sad that I can’t express how I truly feel to him because I am scared that my words will be taken the wrong way and it would lead to more arguments and fights. It’s not what I want, I just want him back as my friend.

I will never forget how for 13 years he was my best friend but now he acts as though we are strangers. Now my walls are built so high to protect my heart from being broken.