Letting Go of Relationships We've Outgrown

One of the most challenging parts of my healing journey has been the need to let go of relationships that weren’t actively a part of my growth. Well, I say let go, but actually, sometimes I was let go of. Whoever does the leaving doesn’t really matter; both ways can be just as difficult to deal with.

For example, I had a relationship with someone I considered a close friend for many years. We were an integral part of each other’s growth. They were the person I went to whenever I wanted to have a conversation that went beyond the superficial sharing of everyday interactions.

We got to challenge and be challenged in ways that caused us both to hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts, words, and actions.

It was a very stormy relationship – we had both grown up in homes where people expressed their vulnerability with either angry outbursts, or by using withdrawal and negation tactics.

It felt like we had sought each other out as some form of karma, and connected on an energetic level. We had come together to play out our familial roles with greater awareness. Together we were a fit.

I was in the friendship to play out the angry and frustrated role and they were there to play out the passive-aggressive, withdrawal role.

So consequently our conversations tended to be full of:

“Why do you always have to get so angry?” from their end. Or in my case: “Why can’t you just say what you really feel and stop me from having to pull the information out of you?”

I’m sure many of you can relate!

Stormy as it was, we valued each other’s willingness to show up again and again, despite the difficulties. That was the most valuable aspect of our relationship - our willingness to show up and take ownership for our responses and behaviour; or so I thought…

Jump ahead to the final year of our friendship-which, mind you, had been marked by long periods of disconnecting and then reconnecting throughout - yet another familial pattern at play.

Somewhere in the middle of a conversation where I’d been sharing advice that was helping my friend gain clarity; I suddenly heard thoughts that were tripping over each other to be expressed:

“Why am I always playing the role of clarity-bringer? Why am I the one who always wants to go deeper and see what’s really going on?” Then more thoughts came:

“How come when this friend needs me, I’m instantly there? I respond to emails, phone calls and texts immediately, and yet when I need something, I have to wait days for this person to get back to me?”

Yet more thoughts came:

"How come I play cheerleader or supporter for them but feel as if I'm being negated, rejected or belittled whenever I’ve done something I’m proud of?”

Now please understand I’m definitely not demonising this friend, this was all my familial stuff playing out and that stuff was shouting to me in that moment, to be looked at.

If I had truly been in a space of being present and in full awareness at the time; I would have been asking myself questions instead; questions such as:

“Why do you always over-give? Why do you accept so little from your relationships? Why do you choose to continue on with a friendship that clearly no longer nurtures you?”

I did eventually ask myself these key questions, but that was a few days later. In that moment of recognition, all of my attention was placed on getting the answers to the immediate questions about feeling that I gave more than I received.

Of course, this poor friend felt put on the spot and went into defensive mode. Of course, they went straight to their passive-aggressive reaction and waited patiently for the Yve volcano to blow!

Yet this time, there was no explosion from my end. This time there was just an honest and calm sharing, with me stating my sincerest truth.

Cue long, drawn-out and puzzled silence, at the other end of the line. Cue a wave of love washing over me as a long-held pattern was finally released. Cue a peace descending upon me that told me this particular lesson was complete – for now.

The final words of our conversation came from me. I simply stated: “I think we’re done.” And I meant it. I was done.

I was over our endless angst and co-dependencies. I was over being a perpetually listening ear for someone who didn’t want to do their own internal work. I was done with making me wrong in order to keep the relationship going.

There were some hollow resistances from this friend, but they also sensed at that moment that we really were done. We had learned everything we could from each other. We’d gone as far as we could go together. The growth had stagnated and we were doing each other a disservice if we continued on in the same way.

That time comes in any relationship that’s outgrown its purpose.

If I was actively listening, I would have acknowledged that my heart’s wisdom had been trying to share that insight with me for quite a while, but I’d resisted. Instead, I chose to berate myself and my friend rather than do the necessary letting go.

We’re all guilty of this at times. We ignore our intuitive voice because it seems easier to ignore it than to take some action we find too uncomfortable to take.

We avoid looking at our: “I’m scared of being alone” stories, or our "I can’t deal with any more rejection” stories. Because they seem so much harder to deal with and bring up uncomfortable feelings that make us squirm inside.

Yet relationships from a spiritual perspective are all about learning, growth and letting go if need be. They are there simply to teach us about ourselves. They’re there to reveal our triggers and hotspots. They are there to be a beautiful mirror for wherever we are, or aren’t, loving ourselves enough.

When they have served their purpose, they begin to fall away. We don’t have to push or force them away; they end or begin; at the perfect time.

If we do try to resist them, then we can be sure that we'll end up strengthening the connection instead – albeit in ways that feel increasingly negative.

As the colloquial saying goes:

“Some relationships are for a reason, some are for a season, and some are for a lifetime.”

But if you have a reason or season, relationship situation going on, then I hope you can relate to this sharing.

If you find that relationships are falling away in your life, no matter how hard you try, then don’t be too unhappy. There's a good reason for it. That reason? It’s time...

And to my heart, that is one of the most profound reasons of all.