Letters I'll Never Send: Part 3

Hey,

My letters are normally way more put together, but for this one, I don't think it'll be like that.

This hurts so bad right now. It really does. The ache in my chest is so unending and deep. I can't make it stop no matter what I do. It lulls quietly every now and then. It calms down. But when it starts again, it's suffocating.

All I want is to go to you, and hug you, and cry into your chest, because I know you'll hold me and not let go. You'll hold me and let me cry, and tell me things are going to be ok. But I can't do that because once the tears stop, I can't have the conversation that'll follow. When you ask what's going on, I won't be able to answer. I won't be able to tell you the truth you want, or the truth you deserve. I'll either have to lie and make something up, or forever leave you in the dark. Neither of those things is fair to you, and I don't want to do anymore to hurt you. I can't.

I feel like a terrible person for hurting this way.

I want you to be happy. I really, really do. And, I know in my head, AND in my heart that I am not the one for you. I will never be able to make you happy the way she can. She's been there through all those years, knowing you, growing with you, cultivating a relationship. She's given you time that I can never match up to. She's given you happiness I can never recreate. I know I could never match up to her, in any way. She's also gorgeous, and I know that. I can recognize beauty. She's gorgeous and beautiful, and it's obvious why anyone would be attracted to her.

But, more than that, I just know you belong with her. I know that. I KNOW that. I know it with every fiber of my being. You belong with her. You belong to her, and she belongs to you. You deserve happiness with her. You're going to marry her, and you're going to get all that happiness, because you deserve it. I would NEVER take any of that away from you, nor would I want to.

So it's terrible of me to feel this pain that I'm feeling now. I'm so guilty. I'm so confused. I'm so hurt. It just won't go away. And if I think about it too long, I can't help but cry. Tears well up and fall against my will, staining my cheeks, drying out my skin, and making my head hurt. At some point the tears stop, not cause the pain does, but because I guess I run out. So for a while, all that happens is whimpering and gasping to breathe through the suffocation.

I know I shouldn't be like this. And I'm not always like this. But when I am, there's no way around it. It has to pass through, and it hurts worse every time. In the end, I always stop, because I know you're happy anyway. It's capped off my hurting, and reminds me that things are ok. I just hate the pain part.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I would never send it. Of course, I'd never send any of my letters to you, but ESPECIALLY not this one. It would only hurt you, and that's the last thing I want to do.

I guess I'm doing the only thing I can. Tears aren't working... maybe written out, the pain can escape. I hope it does.

- A.S.