Letter 11/15/21

11/15/21

Dear Unnamed,

I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re happy. I know things ended horribly between us, and part of me still blames you. It was because of your actions that things went so wrong, but assigning blame is so pointless, so I’m trying to stop and just let things be as they are. I’m not angry with you anymore. When I think of you, I am not overwhelmed with anger or sadness like I was before. I do try to avoid thinking of all the good things about you, though, because when I think of the good, I get sad. I get jealous of myself for having had something so good and letting it slip away. Not that I let you slip away. You violently pulled away, so it was not my choice. But saying this makes it sound like I am unhappy where I’m at now, which I’m not. I have found a man who loves me perhaps just as unconditionally as I love him. He is kind and smart and thoughtful. Let me tell you about him.

The man I have found is maybe one of the best things to have ever happened to me. He knows my favorite sandwich and he knows how I like my coffee. He knows my favorite flowers and gemstones. He values communication and validates my feelings and worries. He listens with all of his attention. I was upset last night over something so stupid, but he left his game and threw his arms around me to hold me when I said I was upset. Do you remember when you said I was your number one priority, too? Funny how that happens, don’t you think? Do you remember when you would say I’m a blessing and an angel? Don’t you think it’s funny how much it’s possible to love someone? Don’t you think it’s funny how things change?

This man is selfless and good. He has a cat named Sora and I adore her. She likes to cudddle me and boop her nose against mine and my finger. She lets me pet her paws and tummy and it makes him a little jealous. His sister is the sweetest thing ever and threatened to take me away from him if he moved her seat that she stole from him to sit next to me. His mom made vegetable soup so I had food since they were making burgers. His dad gave me a hug when we were leaving. His mom and uncles’ girlfriends did too, but his dad hadn’t hugged me the last time I met them all, which was the first time. I’ve never felt so comfortable so quickly with a group of people as I do with his family. Do you remember how it took us being together over a year before you introduced me to your parents? Why? Were you embarrassed? You talked about me meeting them since the beginning but never did anything about it until the end. Why? My boyfriend and I have been together 4 months and I have met his family twice now and they are so kind and sweet and I love them.

I love this man and I think I could love him for the rest of my life. I say think not because I’m unsure of my feelings for him, but rather the fact I am slightly jaded. He could up and disappear at any second like you did. And I would like to say I know for a fact that he won’t, but the truth is I don’t. And it’s not because I doubt him or think him capable of such coldness. It’s because I didn’t think you were capable of such a thing and there you go without a word or warning. I thought you had more love and respect for me than that. I thought I knew you. It just proved to me that you can’t ever truly know someone. So I would like to say I know he will never just up and disappear, but I don’t know that. I feel like I don’t know anything, sometimes. I would like to believe he is not capable of being so hurtful, but,again, I thought the same about you. You proved that anything is possible, and I don’t mean that in a lovely and positive way. You showed me love isn’t enough. You showed me that I am not enough. And this hurts more than I can ever possibly explain. All I have ever wanted is to be enough, to be loved as much as I love. Then you broke the part of me that believed that those things were maybe possible. Now I doubt everyone in my life, including myself. I don’ trust people anymore when they say they love me or they’re here for me because you said those things once, too.

This man says he wants to marry me one day. All I have ever wanted is for someone to love me enough to think I'm good enough to want to spend forever with me. And he does. He loves me. He wants to be with me indefinitely. This is all I ever wanted. And yet I still don’t believe him. I want to. I want to not have a tiny voice in the back of my head asking if I can truly trust him every time he says he loves me. This is your fault. My terror of being left behind, my lack of trust in the people I love, it’s all because of you. I can’t trust people anymore and I blam you. I’m trying not to, but the fact of the matter is that it is because of you. I hope you know that. I hope you know the damage you caused and I hope you feel bad about it. I don’t hope it keeps you up at night anymore. I used to. I used to hope you hurt over it. I don’t wish you pain anymore, but I do want you to take ownership over your actions and the pain and problems you’ve caused. But I don’t wish you ill. I do genuinely hope you’re happy. I want you to find someone who loves you as much as I did. I hope you never settle for anything less than unconditional love because you still deserve to be loved like that. I hope you learn from your mistakes. I hope you don’t hurt other people like you hurt me or your other exes in the future. I hope you learn and grow and become better. I hope one day you’re not afraid of being loved. But mostly, I do wish you joy. You deserve happiness and love, Unnamed, you truly do. You just have to believe it and stop pushing away and hurting the people who want the best for you. Be happy.

Love,

Yours