Lets Get Merlot

It all started when i was chosen to get a balloon put between my legs and popped by a stranger and got hitched in front of 500 other strangers. Yes this story begins at my first rocky horror live show. The guy i wed that night asked me out on a date

Turns out one of my friends was friends with benefits with him at the time. I asked her if I should go on the date because you know, i wanted her permission and i wanted to find out what he was like.

she said “idc dick bomb though” and on the date i went

In retrospect, that was a red flag, but still gotta Give it up to rhode island.

So on the date, he opened with a hug, which is a pro move. The only thing he did that you all should take note on.

We went to Bagelz, a cafe that served various alcohols for our date. May she rest in yeast

We went to the bar and the lovely cashier took our orders.

I ordered a green tea and a bagel with cream cheese because I was trying to be cute.

My date however took a different approach

He said, how large do your cups get. For a second i thought he was talking to me

The cashier pulled out a cup the size of an XXX-L soda cup from burger king

He said, that's the biggest you have?

She said LET ME CHECK

She then pulls out one that was the size of a pitcher. Pretty much a quart

He said can i get that filled with...merlot

And then he looks at me and smirks!

I had no idea that wine could be so sexual!...and compensatory!

He then grabs his drink with 2 hands and the date goes on

Have you ever been on a date where the other person talks SO much about themselves

That you tune them out because you know they won't notice and consider all the ways you could get them to stop without just telling them to shut the fuck up like you know you really want to

But no. i'm a psych major. SO I LISTENED INTENTLY LIKE I'VE BEEN TRAINED TO DO

Of course he didn't know that about me so he thought i wanted his xxx-l burger king cup of merlot so bad

And continued to talk forever

Thanks undergrad degree

These skills have clearly helped me in my daily life

Then HOURS later. We got up to leave. I told him what my dog’s name was and that's about all i could contribute

Im clearly miserable and ready for this date to be over, but you know what really heated my espresso beans

HE SIPPED HIS MERLOT ABOUT 3 TIMES

AND THEN THREW IT AWAY

I HAVE A MINOR IN SUSTAINABILITY. YOU CAN'T JUST DO THAT

AND JUDGING BY THE PSYCHO ANALYSIS I GATHERED DURING THAT DATE, THAT ACTION WAS A CLEAR METAPHOR FOR HIM AS A PERSON

Big dick and no follow through. We deserve better

But luckily for me, 9 months later, I started dating his best friend

And trust me, my man has incredible follow through