Let's Normalize Polyamory

As society progresses, we’re discovering that there are many ways to date. Gaining popularity with liberal folk while causing the conservatives to gag, polyamory means having intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. Say what?

If you’re new to the term, you probably don’t know that polyamory has been around since B.C.E. times. Monogamy didn’t become the norm until just around 1,000 years ago, with a couple interesting reasons as to why.

STD’s

When groups of people in societies grow, so does the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, to the point where it’s a regular occurrence (endemic). The rise in infections may have pressured the population to stay monogamous in order to mitigate it. There weren't any ways to treat this kind of thing at the time, so if you had gonorrhea, chlamydia, or syphilis, there was a chance that you would become infertile.

Infanticide

As primates evolved to become more social, their brain size grew to accommodate this change. This meant infants also gained larger brains as well, therefore requiring more attention and lactation from their mothers. As a result, women were taking much longer to be able to mate again after birth. Technically it would pay for males to kill their children so they could mate sooner. But because they wanted to protect their children, they shifted towards becoming monogamous.

What are some common misconceptions?

1. It’s just an excuse to cheat

Cheating is defined as “acting dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage”. This is something that is fairly common in monogamous relationships, but seldom presents itself in polyamorous ones. For example, if two people named Brad and Sheila were in a relationship, but Brad chose to sleep with Sarah without communicating to Sheila about it first, this would be considered cheating. There was no communication on neither Brad nor Sarah’s parts. Cheating means deliberately going behind someone else’s back to have an affair with someone else. Polyamory on the other hand is based around open and honest communication. The goal is to see that every person’s need is met in a relationship but also speaking up about what is going on between all parties.

2. People who are poly don’t know how to commit

This is demonstrably false. Polyamorous people know more about commitment than monogamous people because they can keep and maintain healthy relationships with several parties at once.

3. Polyamory won’t work because humans are jealous by nature

Sharing can be hard at times. These kinds of relationships aren’t for everyone and that’s okay. But it’s perfectly normal and common to feel jealous in a poly relationship. It’s how you handle these feelings that decides whether or not this is the type of relationship for you. Rather than responding with shame, you would respond with openness and curiosity.

4. It’s all about sex

This is a toxic, blanket-like judgement that usually isn’t the case. There are a lot of people in the community that are asexual (those with little to no sexual desire) who can enjoy multiple romantic relationships without forcing their partner to be celibate.

How did you discover that you were polyamorous?

Over the years, I've had relationships end primarily because some of my needs weren't being fulfilled. After my most recent relationship ended, I did some introspection and realized that it is literally impossible (at least for me anyways) to have one person be able to fulfill each and every single need of mine. I tried it out, first dating people that were in open marriages. The more experience I gained, the more self-assured I was in that this was the kind of relationship I needed to have.

Any advice for those who are curious about or new to polyamory?

If you don't know anything about polyamory, fortunately there is a vastly growing number of resources out there. TikTok is a great one because there are several creators on there whose main talking point is polyamory. If you're just trying out these kinds of relationships, the most important thing is having open and honest communication. Over-communicate, if you can. Another recommendation I would also make (especially if you plan on having several serious relationships simultaneously) is to purchase a calendar so you can keep track of everyone's schedules.

Final thoughts?

It's important to keep an open mind when it comes to different kinds of relationships. What's for you may not be for everyone, but it's always important that you are respectful of others' viewpoints. If you choose to engage in polyamory, do so with rock-solid communication skills and a good state of mind.

Some cool sources I used

https://www.cnn.com/2016/05/17/health/sti-infanticide-human-monogamy/index.html

https://getmaude.com/blogs/themaudern/brief-history-non-monogamy

https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/

https://www.glamour.com/story/7-polyamory-myths-its-time-to-stop-believing