Leave Your Heart at Home on a First Date

As a person whose world runs on feelings 99% of the time, first dates are a nerve-wracking experience. Throw in my awkwardness and self-consciousness, and we have a disastrous mix.

I’m pretty much clueless when it comes to first dates. The internet will give you so many rules and things to pay attention to. I do all my research, but if you are like me, you may have noticed logic packing her bags and going to Hawaii as soon as he smiles at you.

I am a shy person, especially around people I don’t know. Once you know me- that’s a whole different story. The point is, I take time to get comfortable. And one date doesn’t get me there.

I can be funny, outgoing, and witty behind my phone screen. Face to face, I will sip my drink in silence, wondering why in the world I agreed to this torture.

Between the age of 21 and 28, I have been on three first dates that I call significant events. The rest of them don’t matter.

I call them significant because all three taught me a lot (not at the time because I was busy skipping all the red flags).

For me, first dates happen after a period of getting to know each other. By the time we meet, some connection has already grown. This is when I kick logic on the butt to let my emotions rule. And that is how I ended up wasting time on men who didn’t deserve me.

Date with Mr. A

We met in my third year of college through a mutual friend at a music festival. Mr. A was a cool guy. The kind who loved parties, gregarious and funny. I fell for him slowly, over many months. At 21, the idea of a popular person liking me seemed unimaginable. We talked for months before we met in person.

The first date.

I traveled to another city with a friend who was on her way to meet her boyfriend. Mr. A had an apartment there, and we all ended up staying there.

It was February 15th, and Valentine’s Day celebrations were still going on in full force. Our first date was at a club with deafening music and drunk dancers. At 21, this was great.

Food, dancing, and too many drinks later, we left the place at about 2 am. On our way back, I realized that the alcohol had done its job. He had passed out. Panic replaced all the tequila I had downed earlier. The only person who knew the way back was sleeping in bliss.

At 2 am, even the cab driver was a threat. I have seen way too many Bollywood movies. The situation I was in could turn bad at any time. The driver was a kind man, but the situation scared me.

Luckily, I had the idea to call the driver who dropped us at our location earlier, who could then pass on the address to the present driver. For the next 20 minutes, I could hear my heart pounding in my chest.

Once back, I half carried my intoxicated ‘date’ up the stairs.

What happened after?

The next day he realized what an ass he had been and apologized by making me a heart-shaped toast. Even though I was upset he had behaved so irresponsibly, I forgave him.

Date with Mr. B

Four years after that terrifying first date, I met Mr. B. He was my brother’s friend and much older than me.

After a heartbreak, I was at a vulnerable place of no one will love me again. This was when we started talking. Mr. B seemed to know what he wanted. At his age, he was looking to get married.

There was an ease with Mr. B. Talking to him was comfortable, there was a connection, plus the fact that he was close to my brother was good enough reason to see where it went. After three months of talking over the phone, he flew down from another country to meet me.

The first date.

Since he was new to the place, I suggested a nearby beachside restaurant for dinner. There was an enjoyable conversation, great food and drinks, and an even better ambiance at dinner.

As we talked between French fries and whiskey, he kept checking his phone. He remained distracted throughout. I ended up feeling ignored as he wasn’t exactly paying attention to what I was saying.

Since everything else was great, I enjoyed myself. He dropped me home and went back to his hotel.

What happened after?

Like the internet told me, I waited for a message or call later at night. Nothing came. I sent a casual text telling him I had a pleasant time. The reply was a smiley face.

Date with Mr. C

Mr. C was a college senior. He was the good-looking senior every girl had a crush on. We never talked to each other in college. I knew who he was, thanks to my friends. And I was sure he didn’t know me (he said he did later).

Mr. C came into my life in a very millennial way. He replied to one of my Instagram stories (I didn’t even know he was following me till then).

Within weeks, we were talking about everything under the sun. Spirituality, religion, past trauma…. we had conversations about it all. Four months later, he received an invitation to a friend’s wedding in the same city where I lived. As soon as he booked tickets, he asked me out on a date.

The first date.

I suggested dinner at a newly opened pub in town. As it was a weekday, I had hoped it wouldn’t be crowded or noisy. I was wrong.

The entire time we talked or shouted over the music, his eyes never left mine. After some time, he asked the waiter to shift tables. We went to a quieter area and had a great conversation over a steaming pot of chicken and rice.

Having his complete attention left me a little flustered, and I was at a loss for words many times. I wondered if he thought I was awkward. He told me he didn’t mind the silence. By 11 pm, he dropped me home, waiting outside the gate till I closed the door.

What happened after?

An hour later, my phone rang. He told me he had a wonderful time, and that he couldn’t wait to meet the next day. We talked for three hours that night.

Why you need to use logic on first dates.

First dates can be an exciting event. But looking at them through the lens of your feelings can be misleading (the red flags are trying to get your attention). A first date is when you get to know them better. When it comes to a potential love interest, we let our emotions rule our decisions in most cases. And this makes us ignore all the red flags leading to heartbreak.

I did the same with Mr. A and Mr. B. I was already emotionally invested in them.

Mr. A put me in a dangerous situation. He disregarded my safety. Things could have gone very wrong that day. Yet, I forgave him because my feelings overpowered my thoughts. The relationship wouldn’t have worked from the start. I just didn’t see it.

Even though there was a great connection with Mr. B, he wasn’t interested. In short, I didn’t see any effort from his side. Yes, he had come from another country to meet me. He said he wanted to marry me.

But his actions when we were together told me he wasn’t invested in this as I was. By the time I got back home, I knew it wasn’t going anywhere.

When I met Mr. C, my feelings were strong. A connection and understanding beyond anything I had felt before were present. But this time, I armed myself with logic and not only my heart. Throughout the date, and after, he showed me he wanted this. He didn’t say it, instead showed me with his actions.

I am a big believer in actions before words and effort.

What you do has a much stronger impact than what you say. Because what you do correlates more strongly with what you want. No matter what a person tells you, if their actions don’t match, you know your value in their eyes.

First dates are a time to spark attraction and receive a deeper understanding of the other person. Emotional connection sparks attraction. But using logic to pay attention to their actions and effort can save you precious time and tears.