Leave It In The Past

For better or worse, I have always been a hopeless romantic and that's landed me in a few relationships that I was better off leaving alone. I have a propensity to fall in love with potential. As long as I could see it in you, we could make something happen. At least, that's what I thought most of the time. In 2017, I met a really charming, tattoo laden bad boy. I thought that I could be the one to change his nefarious ways. I was naive, entirely far too naive to see what I was getting into. I'll save the gritty details because it requires a trigger warning and all that, but needless to say it became abusive very fast. This is not to say that all charming, tattoo laden men are abusive. This olne one just happened to be. I am someone who was always been a music lover, I love to sing - as off key as i may be, I'm always imagining myself in a music video - funnily enough, I'm singing while typing right now. I'm listening to the playlist I curated for this contest. This is where it comes full circle. Being that I'm a music head, music was where I found solace in this abusive relationship. He lived on the 9th floor and I had a lovely view of Jamaica, Queens. As somber as it sounds now, I'd often go on the balcony, put on Spotless Mind by Jhene Aiko and cry my little brown heart out. I could see myself in a different timeline. I wasn't happy where I was but I couldn't find a way out. Until I did.

I remember one Valentine's Day we got into a fight because I found out he was cheating on me with his ex. Here I am 5 years later, and Valentine's Day is 2 days away. My date has paid for my nails, secured a hotel, and a dinner date for us. In pandemic conditions... Had I not left that relationship, I don' know that I'd be alive. Everytime I say that it feels like an exagerration but I know it's not. And I'm grateful I made it out.

You know how some smells thrust you back into time? Sometimes these songs do that. But I always feel so vindicated once I get through the song. Sure, it makes me think of the hellish time I went through. But I made it, I survived. I got married, I had a baby. I even got divorced. But I'm here and I was able to experience those things because of my own self resolve, but also because of the comfort music brings to me.

I share these songs with you in hopes that you genuinely dig these vibes, but in the hopes that if you reading this are in a situation you wish you weren't in, think you can't see the end of or are single AF... things won't always be this way. Change is constant and nine times out of ten when we feel stuck, it's in our mind. All we need is a little nudge.

So I say all of that to say that honestly, I love the idea of Valentine's Day, I'm 26 years old and this is THE first real date I've ever been on specifically for this day. Truthfully, it's a little overrated especially considering how society frames it and makes the people that aren't partnered feel worthless. It's not fair and it's not true.

Anyway, lemme hop off my soapbox. I chose the artists I chose because they all mean something special to me. I also jumped at making a playlist because - duh.

Honorable Mentions:

"Best Friends, Right?" - Amy Winehouse; this song breaks my damn heart. It's essential to be best friends with the person you're with but when that foundation is gone, what do you have left but to ask are we still really best friends?

"Fuck With Myself" - Banks; the epitome of self love. You do not need anyone else's input when it comes to how to love yourself! AND you don't NEED to be with anyone to be happy!

"Memories Faded" - Twenty88; going back in forth in toxic relationships is commonplace, unfortunately, and this song resonated more than I liked.

"3005"- Childish Gambino; This is actually not a love song! It's more about being afraid of that commitment. It's worth looking into the interviews he's done on this whole album (Because The Internet)

"Holy"- Jamila Woods; this is a beautiful affirmation to speak every day because it's encouraging you to love yourself and to not be afraid of the love that will surely come once you open yourself to receptive love

"Self Care"- Savannah Cristina; I was introduced to this song during the peak of my divorce. My husband is my best friend, don't get me wrong. But I needed to be alone. This song coming into my life at that time was confirmation.

(Not) The Love Of My Life - Yuna; a music video that has a lot of beautiful themes about arranged marriages- worth watching!!

I really hope you enjoyed this! Thanks for reading.