Lauren Bonvini on Why Trying to Look Confident Often Makes Performance Anxiety Worse

Lauren Bonvini is a Seattle-based stage fright coach who helps performers, speakers, and creatives work through performance anxiety and build confidence, presence, and self-trust.

One of the most common pieces of advice people receive before a presentation, performance, meeting, or speech is simple:

"Just be confident."

While the intention behind this advice is usually positive, it often creates more pressure than it removes.

For someone struggling with stage fright or performance anxiety, being told to "be confident" can feel impossible. They may already be worried about forgetting what to say, sounding nervous, making mistakes, or being judged by others. Adding the expectation that they should also appear completely confident can make the experience feel even more overwhelming.

The truth is that many people spend so much energy trying to look confident that they lose touch with what actually helps confidence develop in the first place.

Real confidence is not usually created by forcing a confident appearance. More often, it grows through practice, experience, self-trust, and a willingness to stay present even when nerves are present.

Understanding this difference can change the way people approach public speaking and performance anxiety.

The Hidden Pressure of Looking Confident

Many people enter speaking situations with a mental checklist.

They tell themselves:

• Don't look nervous.
• Don't make mistakes.
• Don't let your voice shake.
• Don't pause too long.
• Don't look uncomfortable.
• Make sure everyone thinks you're confident.

While these goals may seem helpful, they often direct attention inward.

Instead of focusing on communication, the speaker begins monitoring themselves.

Every sensation becomes something to analyze.

Every pause becomes something to evaluate.

Every moment becomes a test.

This creates a cycle where anxiety feeds on itself.

The more someone worries about appearing confident, the harder it becomes to remain present.

Ironically, the effort to hide nervousness often increases self-consciousness.

Why Confidence Is Often Misunderstood

Many people imagine confidence as a feeling.

They assume confident speakers walk onto a stage feeling completely calm, certain, and fearless.

In reality, confidence is often a behavior long before it becomes a feeling.

A confident person may still feel nervous.

A confident person may still experience uncertainty.

A confident person may still have moments of self-doubt.

The difference is that they continue anyway.

Confidence is not always the absence of fear.

It is often the willingness to act despite fear.

This distinction matters because it changes the goal.

Instead of waiting to feel confident before speaking, people can focus on building confidence through participation.

The Problem With Self-Monitoring

Performance anxiety often increases when attention becomes trapped on the self.

A speaker begins asking questions such as:

• How do I look?
• Do I sound nervous?
• Can people tell I'm anxious?
• Am I doing well?
• What are they thinking about me?

These questions create distance from the actual purpose of communication.

The speaker becomes both performer and critic at the same time.

This mental split makes speaking harder.

It becomes difficult to listen, think clearly, and communicate naturally when part of your attention is constantly judging the experience.

Many people discover that anxiety decreases when they stop trying to monitor every detail and instead focus on the message they want to share.

Communication Is More Important Than Performance

One of the most useful mindset shifts involves remembering why you are speaking in the first place.

Most presentations, speeches, and performances are not about proving worth.

They are opportunities to communicate.

A presentation exists to share information.

A speech exists to deliver a message.

A performance exists to create connection.

When communication becomes more important than image management, pressure often decreases.

Instead of asking:

"How am I doing?"

Try asking:

"What do I want people to understand?"

This simple shift moves attention outward.

It encourages connection rather than self-protection.

Why Imperfection Builds Trust

Many people assume audiences expect perfection.

Most audiences do not.

In fact, audiences often connect more easily with people who feel genuine.

A minor mistake rarely destroys credibility.

A brief pause rarely ruins a presentation.

A moment of nervousness rarely matters as much as speakers imagine.

What people often remember is authenticity.

They remember clarity.

They remember usefulness.

They remember connection.

Some of the most effective communicators are not perfect speakers.

They are speakers who remain engaged with their message even when things do not go exactly as planned.

Building Confidence Through Evidence

One reason confidence feels difficult to access is because people often treat it as something they either have or do not have.

A more helpful perspective is viewing confidence as evidence.

Confidence grows when the brain collects proof that challenges can be handled.

Every time someone speaks despite feeling nervous, evidence is created.

Every time someone recovers from a mistake, evidence is created.

Every time someone participates rather than avoids, evidence is created.

These experiences teach the mind something important:

"I can handle this."

Confidence becomes less about belief and more about experience.

The strongest confidence is often built through repeated action rather than positive thinking alone.

Small Speaking Wins Matter

People often underestimate the value of small speaking opportunities.

They focus only on major presentations and overlook everyday moments that build confidence.

Examples include:

• Asking a question during a meeting
• Sharing an opinion
• Introducing yourself
• Speaking up during a discussion
• Recording a short video
• Practicing out loud

These situations may seem minor, but they create familiarity.

And familiarity reduces fear.

The nervous system responds differently to experiences it has encountered repeatedly.

Each small win becomes part of a larger foundation.

Letting Go of the Need to Impress Everyone

Another source of performance anxiety is the desire for universal approval.

Many speakers unconsciously believe they need everyone to like them, agree with them, or think highly of them.

This creates impossible standards.

No speaker receives universal approval.

No performer connects equally with every audience member.

No communicator controls every reaction.

Trying to manage all of those variables creates unnecessary pressure.

A healthier goal is simple:

Communicate clearly.

Be present.

Share your message.

Allow others to have their own responses.

Confidence often grows when people stop trying to control every opinion around them.

What Genuine Confidence Looks Like

Genuine confidence is usually quieter than people expect.

It is not always loud.

It is not always charismatic.

It is not always dramatic.

Often, confidence looks like:

• Showing up despite nerves
• Speaking even when your voice shakes
• Staying present after making a mistake
• Returning attention to the message
• Continuing when things feel uncomfortable

This kind of confidence is available to far more people than they realize.

It does not require perfection.

It requires practice.

It requires patience.

And most importantly, it requires self-trust.

Final Thoughts

Trying to look confident can sometimes become another form of performance pressure. When people focus exclusively on appearance, they often become trapped in self-monitoring, perfectionism, and fear of judgment. Real confidence develops differently. It grows through action, experience, communication, and the willingness to keep showing up despite uncertainty.

The goal is not to eliminate every nervous feeling. The goal is to learn that nervousness and effectiveness can exist at the same time. When people stop trying to appear perfect and start focusing on connection, communication, and self-trust, confidence often begins to grow naturally.

Lauren Bonvini is a Seattle-based stage fright coach who helps performers, speakers, and creatives work through performance anxiety and build confidence, presence, and self-trust.