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Kittens & Computers?

by K. Alexandra 4 years ago in humor

(Tuesday evening)

So this guy seems okay... what can possibly go wrong?#MyWorstDate

(Tuesday evening)

The rain continues to pour immensely from the grey heavens... almost as if the angels were reminding me that going to this so-called 'date', was a bad idea. I ignored them despite the continuation of the rumbling thunder, which made my heart jump and that did not help at all. I finally arrived at the Fire Bird Restaurant...

The lights were slightly dim, projecting a romantic ambiance...

Waiters and waitresses desperately running to their customers, with their trays held high, filled with delicious food, praying to God that neither food item makes an impact to the ground. I stand near the entrance way as I texted Nick, "I am here."

Eight seconds later, Nick arrived with a hopeful smile, "Hey K, nice to meet you. Ready to eat?"

"Yes of course," I replied. We sat comfortably at our table across from each other, his beady eyes continued to stare at me while the angels from above continued to bang the thundering drums of warning.

My brain silently shouts, "Enough with the thunder already, do something to else to keep you occupied for the love of God!" By avoiding his intensely constipated stare, I continued to look over the menu hoping his eyes would look elsewhere.

I sit in silence, Nick goes through a long conversation... mainly about himself... I didn't mind it at first, but as the clock was ticking very slowly, I realized I fell in a deep hole of boredom and I could not get out of it.

As my mind tries to climb out to freedom, it was also trying to communicate with my expression, "Try to smile... you're starting to look like a raging bitch right now. Settle down fool!"

Then the awkward silence commences once again (for the sixth time), Nick's hazel beady eyes began to examine me without asking for my permission, causing my heart to beat uncomfortably as his eyes trailed from my face all the way down to my chest. I lifted my menu up quickly, trying to hide myself, the awkward silence ended as he finally asked me questions:

Nick: "So do you drink?"

K: "I'm not much of a drinker to be honest."

Nick: (Five seconds of awkward silence) "That's interesting... do you smoke?"

K: "Which one?"

My blunt conscious suddenly appeared with an attitude, "Are you serious? Bruh! You made yourself more obvious. Good job Ms. Pothead!"

An enormous chuckle erupted from his body, causing some of the people in the restaurant to stare, there was no point in hiding my face at all. "So let me guess, you smoke that drug?"

Suddenly two separate conscious appeared in a human-like form, my kind and considerate conscious name Marissa appeared on my right shoulder; my Blunt conscious name Jimmy, appeared on my left shoulder. They silently continued to observe the young pitiful man, Marissa kindly nodded at some of this "discoveries", while Jimmy did his best not to pass out.

Marissa: "Now K... remain calm... this poor, pitiful fellow is not aware of what he is saying. His brain is somewhat abnormal, he knows nothing about the beautiful please... forgive him."

Snores erupted from Jimmy's mouth, causing Marissa to jump in fear, her eyebrows narrowed as her bullet eyes continued to stare down at him. She quietly walked up to him then slapped him across the face, causing him to lose his balance. He managed to catch himself from falling off of my shoulder; he sat up with his eyes wide open and his listening ears in place.

Nick: "Do you know that marijuana is not good for your health. That it makes people lazy, they're never productive when they're high."

Jimmy: "Marissa!"

Marissa: "What?"

Jimmy: "You had to wake me up to listen to this dumbass bitch?"

Marissa: "Oh shut up and try to keep K calm."

Jimmy:"Are you seriously asking me to keep her calm? Do you even know me? I can never keep her calm. I have no chill! You better recognize."

He continued to talk about his "report" on marijuana, something that he discovered on a website, made by people who are against it. What felt like for hours, it seemed as if he saw the expression of boredom written all over my face and quickly changed the subject.

Later that night, as we were walking out of the restaurant, Nick turned to me with a hopeful smile, which for some reason was making me feel uncomfortable, "So dinner was great, I wasn't sure if you wanted to come by to my place?"

Both Jimmy and Marissa shook their head vigorously, "Yeah I don't know, I work in the morning." That was a lie.

Nick: "Well I have kittens."

K & Marissa: "Sure!"

Jimmy: "Are you fucking kidding me! This dude sucks, and we are going to his place? What is wrong with you two? We can see kittens at a pet shop, let's go!"

As the heavy rain continued to pour, I followed him to his apartment, with Marissa excited to see the kittens... and Jimmy's face written in fury. We finally arrived at his apartment, so far it looked normal, as I entered in the building the sound of kittens echoed throughout the hallway.

Nick opened the door and a sea of kittens stormed towards me, some of their claws pinched into my skin as they climbed up my leg. I settled my things on the couch and I noticed Nick was in his office working on his computer, "Where is your bathroom?" I asked.

Nick: "It's down the hallway, you can't miss it."

I walked towards the bathroom, and I noticed all of the kittens were following me, I tried closing the door but the kittens managed to get in. Despite their little eyes staring back at me, I did my best to remain calm.

"Why are you here?"

My eyes widened and my body became stiff, my eyes slowly moved its view to the floor, and to my surprise a ginger kitten began to talk in an innocent little girls voice. A part of me wanted to scream, until Jimmy replied softly, "It's okay K, you're just being high right now, this is an illusion."

Ginger: "She's not high, I really am talking."

I slowly got up and desperately made my way to the door, but all of the kittens tried to climb up my leg, causing myself to lose balance. I managed to save myself from falling but my hand accidentally hit the bottles, causing a huge mess.

K: "I... I must be dreaming."

Ginger: "Lady if this was a "dream", you would've been awake by now."

Ginger clapped her tiny paws together then raised them up high as if she were doing jazz hands, I almost let out a slight chuckle, "Okay you're cute, but this shit is ridiculous."

Ginger: "I know it is, but listen what I am about to tell you... you need to get out of this apartment now."

K: "I know, you don't have to tell me that... I'm just trying to figure out how to cut this date short, I tried texting my friend to do a fake emergency call, but she's busy."

Ginger: "Doing what?"

K: "I don't fucking know!"

(Transition to my friend)

My friend arrived at her beloved home from work, the sleepiness consumed her body, causing her to drop her jacket and purse to the floor, she slowly walked towards her bedroom and plotted herself on her bed. Five seconds later, a snore erupted from her body, despite the phone ringing continuously, she was out like a light.

(Back to the talking kitten scene)

K: "Well this is great, I call six times... and nothing."

Ginger: "Hey just out of curiosity... is it possible if you can take us with you?"

K: "Are you serious? What's wrong with the apartment?"

Ginger: "Oh the apartment is lovely, I thank God for giving us a roof over our little itty-bitty heads... but... the guy sucks to live with."

K: "If I was living on my own I would, but sadly I don't. So it was nice knowing you."

All of the kittens quickly followed me, while they silently purred with sadness while they continued to beg. I arrived in the living room and found that Nick was still in his office doing 'God knows what' on his computer.

I slowly walked up to him, he still didn't notice I was there, I cleared my throat, "So what are you up to?" I questioned. "I'm trying to fix my computer... hey you don't mind helping me?"

K: "Helping you? With what exactly?"

Nick: "With my computer, I need help fixing it."

Marissa-: "Did he say what I think he just said?"

Jimmy: "This bitch..."

Ginger-:"Oh god.... take me with you."

K: "Oh I'm sorry... something came up, I have to go home."

I quickly grabbed my coat and my purse, while Nick tried to catch up to me, "Hey wait!" I stopped near the doorway, part of me wanted to ignore him and head home, but my kind heart wanted to hear what he had to say, "I just wanted to say, I had a great time tonight, we should go out again."

Jimmy: "Over my dead body."

Marissa: "Don't do it... don't do it."

K: "I.... I'll let you know."

After awkwardly shaking his hand, I power walked towards the exit, to my amazement it stopped raining. I calmly walked towards my car, feeling content knowing the rain finally stopped.

"You know, if you had your shit together and was living in your own place, you probably would've taken all of those kittens with you," Marissa replied.

K: "True... but I'm not taking that Ginger kitten with me, fuck that."

Jimmy: "Well guys, I think we learned our lesson."

K: "Which was?"

Nick: "Never go out with a dumb ass whose only source is the fucking Internet."

A few days later after that 'interesting date', I kept receiving texts from Nick, wondering where I was, "Hey K, I just wanted to know if you wanted to go out with me again?"

Marissa: "This is, like, the tenth time he's messaged you... does he not get the idea?"

Jimmy: "I said before... and I'll say it again... his only source is the Internet. The man's brain is tinier than your breast."

Marissa: "You piece of shit!"

K: "Hey! Hey! I don't want you two fighting in my head, so shut up."

Marissa: "So what are you going to do?"

Without saying a word, I pressed a button that took me to Nick's name, my finger pressed the screen as I continued to scroll down the page until I finally found the "Block" button; after pressing the button I was relieved. Life is unpredictable, you never know what strange person might pop into your life and vanish at the same time, but one thing is for certain, many years from now I am going to look back at this and laugh. I just hope I don't bump into another Nick, ever again.

The End


K. Alexandra

I am a 26 year old writer who enjoys creating stories and is always daydreaming in my big brain. So madams and monsieurs, welcome to my world of imagination, take my hand, sit back and relax, kick off your shoes, and enjoy the ride :)

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K. Alexandra
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