Just Friends

You don't know, do you?

Sometimes she hopes you don't, but other times a part of her hopes you do.

You don't know that the moment she met you, her entire world seemed to shift. You don't know that the things you'd say to her, or the way you'd act towards her would give her a sense of hope that there was something good for her out there. You, of all people, made her feel something. You made her feel alive. She never told you because she was scared that you'd want to stop talking to her.

You don't know the nights she'd spend, lying awake, thinking of you and all the possibilities that she was hoping would somehow, eventually make their ways into her life.

You don't know that every time, when you're in the same room, she has to do everything she can to not look at you constantly, even though you're all she wants to stare at.

You don't know that you were her first choice for a dance, but she was so nervous to ask you that she decided to choose someone else, someone she thought she would have a better chance with which, in the end, she had no chance with at all.

You have no idea how she feels about you, and how much it broke her heart to hear you talk about another girl. As if everything she was wishing for and hoping for was for nothing, her life coming to a screeching halt.

On days that are difficult, days where she needs someone to sit with her for a little while, you are the first one she thinks of. Like a breath of fresh air, you help her breathe again. Sometimes she almost reaches out to you, but she never does because she feels pathetic. And embarrassed. Maybe even a little humiliated. She doesn't want to seem desperate, or clingy, or a mess. So she teaches herself to weather the storm on her own.

And she does, even though it hurts. But she's strong. She's a fighter.

You don't know how many times she's been hurt. She may still be young, but her first rejection was a few days after her 16th birthday those few years ago, by a guy who stopped talking to her afterwards. Little did she know that this was the start of many rejections and broken hearts to come.

You don't know how much she longs for your touch, your body touching hers as you pull her in for a hug. Solid. Comforting. Protection.

You have no idea how much she wants you there, or how much you mean to her. How she wishes she could just tell you, but how scared she is to.

Because in the end, after everything is said and done, if it comes down to it, she's rather have you as a friend than not in her life at all.

Even if being "just friends" is all she gets from it.

As time passed and she grew more into herself, she realized that she could be strong, and she could have everything she's ever wanted. She realized that she's worth more than she thought. She's learned keen communication skills because one of her best friends taught her that she doesn't have to be afraid to open up and reach out. She can start over.

But there are still days where she looks back and wishes things would have been different. Days where it's hard for her to breath and hard for her to see the light. Yet she fights, because she knows she deserves better. After everything she's been through, she deserves to be happy. To feel joy.

One day she will find her superman, and one day, maybe it won't hurt so bad.