Just a manic moment

As I sit here laying in bed in the early hours of the morning I can’t help but wonder... why is fate so cruel to make us fall in love with somebody we will never have.

Whether it’s bad timing, another relationship, family or distance it really doesn’t matter the reason. When you feel a connection to somebody you just do. You miss them when they’re not around. You wonder if they’re thinking of you the way you’re thinking of them. You spend countless days and hours and sleepless nights wondering what your life would have been like of things were different. But sadly they aren’t.

No matter the reason, they are happy with their lives... they were able to move on and be happy and have a family and you’re here sitting wondering if any of it was real. Was it all in your head? Did the looks and touches mean anything? Would things have been different in a different life.

I dont know why I’m still sad and why I can’t move on. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve lost such a spark of life. I just feel like sitting down and crying and just running. As time passes I wonder more and more if it was real. If any of it was real. If it was just the hopeless delusions of a young girl pining after the older man.

I would like to think that at least some of it was real. That some of it mattered. Because the fact of the matter is that even if it was in my head and even if it was one sided, it doesn’t make the feelings I had any less real.

I know I shouldn’t still think about you. I know I shouldn’t. I have no right to. But I feel like now I just think of how I envisioned you in my head. How I wanted us to be and how I wanted us to be together.

I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of thinking about what our future would have looked like. Because the sad reality is you were never mine. You were and are hers. I dont fault you for that, I just wish I didn’t have an ache in my chest anymore.

It’s been years and I keep telling myself it’ll get better. I’ll heal and move on. But I feel so broken. Not just because of you or what I pictured you to be. But because I feel very unloved and very unworthy of love. I try to please everybody and I try to be a good daughter, sister, friend. I dont know if I’m doing a good job but I’m doing the best I can right now. I just don’t know if that’s enough. Will anybody ever love me? And I hate that I feel like a “pick me” girl right now because no; I’ve survived plenty long without anybody. I just really would enjoy some affection, intimacy, knowing that I can look at somebody and KNOW that they’re proud to call me theirs.

And now it’s the early hours of the morning and as I still cannot sleep I’m going to honestly just let myself lay down and cry for a bit. Because I’m allowed to feel something and I’m allowed to feel very alone.

I just hope tomorrow will be a better day, because I have to believe that there is a person out there who will help fill that void I feel in my chest. Who will love me for me and who will accept all the pain that comes with my past. Because there’s a lot of it. I just hope they come soon because I’m tired. So freaking tired.