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Journal Entry IX

Late night confessions of a broken heart.

By Robyn WelbornePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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3:44 AM.

August 16, 2016.

All of these years of my life, wasted, and still I have learned nothing … Why? I have been fighting for so long the very thing that I have desired the most. And now that I have it, I cannot keep it. Now that I have it, I found every way to lose it. ---It is now 10 minutes to 2:00 the next morning; still, I found the need to clear my mind. The need to empty every inch of my conscious. The need to set free my soul … This is my "Third Mask"; my True Form. The face of my soul, here, written down to be made immortalized on this lowly piece of scrap---

I finally have it, and yet I continue to push it away. I am a walking contradiction with no hope of redemption. Knowing the thing that I so desperately wanted the most would be forever lost by my hands is devastating to my whole existence. ---For being born of the "Equality Scale", the "Understander of Many", the "Universal Symbol of the Zodiac"; and yet, my arms are weighted down so heavily from my own misunderstandings that I have become "unbalanced---" …

From so many errors than successes in my life, I have come to the realization that I am not right. My core is stained with a deep embarrassment for letting my impulsive demons get so far out of control that it resulted in me being shown about myself from an outward source looking in. It brought forth to me a different realization that the very thing that I solely wanted has been fighting to want me back. And now that we have each other, it breaks me when I force it away. Have I become weak? Or, has my heart been made open; been made to feel again? Has it been encouraged to become comfortable in accepting the care it has for the thing that it yearns for the most? The possibility of loving something other than protecting itself …

Love. Was that it? The admission of love? Was this the reason why my fighting thing has never left me? This is the reason that leaves me questioning my previous demeaning actions. This is the reason that is giving me feelings of regret for the blindness that I have shown towards the very thing that was already mines before I even had it. "Rome wasn't built in a day." …

All the stalemated things must fall subject to a compromisable solution.

So, I have decided to make a change.

A change in ways.

A change in personality.

A change in the love that I feel so passionately that my treasured thing will remain loving me. Nothing is promised forever …

I do not need a forever if I cannot make my thing live in my present. My soul is at peace. My demons had been laid to rest (for the most part). Only by sharing this, my third mask has been broken. Shamed and bare, my ALL has been poured out so that I may be renewed in a hue more compatible for coexisting side-by-side with my thing …

Me and my world …

Me and my love …

It was always there,

And now, here to stay.

* * * * *

To whom that has been reading along this journey of my ink-soaked thoughts, thank you. Not only for enduring the spiraling plunge into my complex psyche, but also for comforting me with the trust that allows my heart to be cleansed. These honest words have been written from the personal emotions of a once unstable mind.

Forever Yours,

At Peace With My Love. <3

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About the Creator

Robyn Welborne

I am an aspiring creative writer who is currently working for my double Associate’s Degree in English. My writing has no limits and no filter. Anything and everything from all genres; if I think about it, then I will write it down. Enjoy!

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