January 26,2021

Dear Diary,

Let’s just say it was an interesting weekend and not to mention the start of the week was extra weird. Me and bestie (Jaylan) haven’t talked in almost a month because he’s a total dick. I have to say, I was thinking about him a lot on Sunday. I keep telling myself that he does not like me like that so I should just go on with my business. It’s soo weird. He’s always the hell around!! Its like we are joined at the hip, brain or heart. We are connected somehow. Sunday I was at home, just thinking about him and all the 20yrs we were “friends”. I was thinking about him real hard and something was like, something isn’t right with him, his mom or his daughter. I PROMISE, not even 2 hours later, BOOM, he calls me. Apologizing for being such a dick and for treating me the way he does and all this other stuff. Of course, he asked to see me so you know I said yeah. He comes over and we have this discussion about why he treated me like trash and he’s like he doesn’t know why he would treat someone who has been around soo long the way he does. He couldn’t do anything but look in my face and kiss the hell outta me. Then bestie says I don’t know what I be thinking cuz I don’t want anybody else to have you! Like what the hell!! NIGGA, IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU BETTA PUT A RING ON IT!! That’s all I’m sayin!! But here’s the weird part. After all the mushy stuff, he goes, Kayla is going to the Navy!! EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCK!! He looked soo worried and hurt but at the same time realizing that his daughter is no longer a baby but a growing woman that has realized that she must do something better with her life. I was just looking again like damn how does that even work? I just had this thought in my head about something not right with them. Bestie sees the look on my face and he’s like, did you have a feeling before I called you? I told him yeah like something wasn’t quite right with yall. He was like you always get those feelings with me when something big is about to happen around me. Look, I don’t know what it is with Bestie but somehow, we are deeply connected to each other. I don’t know if you call it a soul mate or a soul tie, but we feel each other and we know each other to a T!! We argue but we always go back to each other. I don’t know what’s up with us. I don’t know if he was serious this time or he just wanted some damn pussy? All I’m trying to know is if a man is consistently coming back to you then is it love and caring or is it because he knows you care and love him. I mean it’s been 20yrs for crying out loud!! There has got to be some kind of love there. No matter who I date, when it’s starting to come to an end….. Here comes bestie with his I miss you ass. It never fails, HE IS ALWAYS AROUND!! I just want to be married and be able to be with a man for the rest of my life. I haven’t had that and I’m starting to think that he is terrified of doing that. He did say he was scared of me like that because if anything happened then he might end up in jail. I don’t know what to think about that? This situationship is CRAZY!!! We’ve been at this for 2 decades and right now… I’m just going to continue to chill with O which seems wrong but I don’t know what Bestie wants. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS, but he does know he doesn’t want anyone else to have me!! Yall men are a trip!! O on the other hand is far too damn stressed for me. He always yelling at his son and I have no clue why. That boy be up till 10 or 11 at night when I’m not there. When I’m there during the week, his butt is sleep by 9:30pm, WITHOUT SCREAMING AT HIM!! He got a whoopin because he wouldn’t eat his breakfast and he sat there for 2hrs. I didn’t make him sit there for 2 hours, I figured he would tell me when he was done. I also think he sat there and played with that food because he thought somebody would give in and feed him the bullshit he is used to eating. Nope he got his ass beat!! I believe O is extra stressed out right now and he’s definitely taking it out on his son which is not cool at all. His son could be in the room watching tv and singing the song or laughing and here his stressed out ass goes telling him to be quiet. I don’t think he really deals with that boy at all. I think when he gets home from school, He goes and watches tv until its time for a bath and dinner. Other than that, I really do believe there is no interaction with him. When I’m there on the weekends he’s on the computer and he doesn’t play with him, take him to the park that’s right around the corner or even just sit and watch a movie wit him. It’s really hard to watch and be around sometimes because I feel bad for the son and then I feel like he doesn’t really like me like that. Now here I am, caught between familiarity and stress working on a plan. With Bestie, I don’t have to pay for anything if I really don’t want to pay for anything (but I don’t take advantage of that, he is my last resource). With O, he’s stressed, unemployed but thank God he’s thinking about going back to work…. MAYBE. He was talking about looking at some childcare centers and I will definitely help him look for a childcare center if he needs the help. It’s definitely been an awkward weekend and start to this week. All I can do is ask God to guide me and listen. We’ll see how this plays out. Imma Holla Atcha!!