Jamie's Journal

Tom looked over at the box, still sitting there on the kitchen counter where the lawyer had left it. He had been avoiding it, but reason prevailed over grief and Tom walked over and picked the package up. He removed the manila envelope in a single motion. Two items fell from out on to the counter: a small, black notebook and a folded piece of paper. Tom teared up for a moment when he saw the handwriting on the paper. His name was written on the outside in Jamie's handwriting. Inside was a note:

"For my beloved Tom, who knows me body and soul. This journal will hopefully help you know the parts of my mind I was unable to share before I had to leave. Everything inside belongs to you, because it is the story of all of my loves. You are the only character that really matters in THAT story."

Tom dropped the note to the table as he brought his hands to his face. the tears burst violently through his composure and he shook and sniffled and screamed. Then he opened the journal.

The inside cover was a surprise. In big, cursive writing in the center of the first page it simply said, "Jamie's Journal." It was surrounded by what might have been years of doodles and drawings. A masterpiece of wasting time. Atop the next page was the name Kevin. Beneath it was a few paragraphs which began with "I think I might be falling in love," and ended with "an alcoholic who will apparently sleep with anyone who gets him drunk enough." Not another word was written about Kevin.

The next half a dozen pages told of Mark, Eric, Zane, Nick, Jimmy and Dan. Each had no more than a page, and never a mention afterwards. Tom read through the anecdotes and chuckled to himself as he recognized Jamie's wit in the words. He read of Mark's "unfortunate preference for the company of his own reflection over all others" and how Dan was "unable to recognize, much less remedy, his chronic halitosis." He put names and circumstances to the men who had a part in crafting the person and personality that he loved. It was hard to decide how he should feel about it, so he just kept reading.

The next section was odd. It looked like several pages had been torn from the book. The first page without a name on top was there at the end of the missing pages. Tom turned the page to see that the next one had his own name at the top, and he quickly flipped back. He wasn't quite ready to face that story yet, so he resolved to solve the mystery of the unlabeled page first. There was very little written on it. At the top, in what looked like a continuation from a now-missing page, was written:

"I have played the fool for the last time. Lied to, cheated on, deceived, and destroyed by the one I thought I would marry. I am embarrassed and ashamed on a level I have never seen. It feels like the end of me."

Below that, near the bottom of the page was a scribbled note. It explained the mystery of the unlabeled page. By way of explanation, it offered:

"This page chronicles the end of a relationship not worth memorializing...not even mentioning. One thing worth saying about it, however, was that the way that it ended provided an opportunity to see the true character of not only that bastard Tony, but of another man who is very much worth mentioning. My Tom, whose story is in the pages to come, showed me all I needed to know the day this debacle ended. He chose compassion and support over 'I told you so' and 'You should have known better' when he comforted me. He showed me what I had been missing without even knowing or trying."

Tom froze on reading those words. He remembered the end of that relationship. He and Jamie had become friends. There was an attraction, but Jamie had had this abominable human being as his boyfriend and Tom would not interfere in that even though he knew that Jamie was unhappy. He watched without being able to say anything much without risking the friendship. It was hard on both of them.

The next pages loomed before Tom as he steeled himself to read them. This was not what he had expected when he opened the package. Once composed, however, he knew he had no other choice but to proceed. He turned the page and began to read what was written below his name. It read:

"I know that I usually start these entries with 'I think I am falling in love," or something similar, but with this one it is already past that. I don't know how or when it happened, but it did. I will try to tell the story the best I can, but it is full of unexpected and unexplained feelings and reactions and I am certain that it will not make any sense. Good thing that it is unlikely anyone will ever read these pages. At any rate, I will begin with, 'I met a man,' and then I will try to paint the picture.

Of course, I met him a while ago. He is that beautiful man I met a couple months ago before the party at Kurt's in New Hampshire. Clearly out of my league, and I was with Tony at the time, but there was something there. He met my eyes and didn't look immediately away. He smiled on reflex. It was genuine, and not that deliberate fake party smile. He didn't try to end the conversation early or brush off answering questions which required thought. He tugged at his shirt and moved his hand to his pockets unconsciously, giving an impression of insecurity, but his walk and delivery was all confidence. I was smitten even as I knew nothing could come of it."

Laughter came unbidden as Tom remembered the conversations in the weeks after that party where they danced around flirtation and misunderstandings. He smiled as he thought of what a miracle it was that they had ever even spoken. It seemed so much longer than just a year ago. Finally, he turned the page and read the next entry. It was from a couple days later:

"I have started calling him my 'Diamond' as a nickname. I think he believes it is because of the jewelry he likes to wear, but it is more than that. He is completely oblivious to the fact that I have fallen for him. It will be awkward if I ever get the courage to talk about the real reasons for the nickname, but the name reflects him so perfectly that I am sure I will cave at some point and endure the embarrassment of telling him. The fact is that the obvious is true. He is truly gorgeous, and certainly worth being called a jewel, but he is also tough...hard like a diamond. He is strong, and discerning and absolutely blunt in his evaluations and opinions. Hard in nature but not mean. Honest to a fault; transparent like a diamond. At any rate, I have a pet name for this man for whom I have fallen unreasonably and unrequitedly in love. Story of my life."

Tears fell but he could no longer put the journal down. He pressed on, reading day after day of observations about himself. He watched the development of his relationship from the other side. He stopped and laughed out loud with the recounting of Jamie's thoughts on their first kiss:

"Finally, a date...well, a date of sorts. We drove up to the party together and spent the night at a hotel by Kurt's house afterward. I was controlling my expectations, or at least trying to control them. In truth, I hung on his every word and spoke little. I kept thinking of shutting him up with a kiss but enjoyed hearing his voice too much for that. If that idiot from New York had not come along and flirted so much, I might never have found the courage. When I saw him move in and wrap his arms around Tom's waist, I couldn't control myself. I knew I was likely to be rebuked and humiliated, but I had to at least try to kiss him. I did. I was not rebuked..."

Another entry, just a couple sentences, gave him pause once more:

"I have just realized that Tom is the first person I think of when I wake up, and the last I think of before I go to sleep. If we weren't separated by this damn virus, I think I would already have proposed. Probably better I save myself that embarrassment. How could he ever consider that? I guess I will let that question go unanswered until after all of this is through."

Shocked as he was at the revelation, he could not stop his momentum reading through the little black book. It pained him that for so much of their relationship, Jamie had been so insecure and unsure of his feelings. He wished he had been more deliberate about sharing how he felt earlier. If the journal was teaching him anything, though, it was that regret wouldn't change anything and would cheapen the end result. He refused to do that. Finally, he got to the final page. It was the final hammer blow. He read and dropped the book to the counter, reaching even as he did for a little envelope taped to the back cover. His hands shook as he re-read the page and opened it:

"So, I guess the wedding will never happen. Not because I don't think he would want to, but because I will not be around for it. Joke's on me. I have been saving my whole life for my wedding and honeymoon. I have kept the money tucked away unreachable even to myself until recently. Now that I have found the man of my dreams, and the will to ask him, I cannot. From what I can tell, the doctors think that this will progress fairly rapidly. I laugh to think about all of the things that I endured and avoided to keep from getting COVID, only to be taken out by this. It is so crazy I wish I had written it as fiction before it became truth. It would have been a great ironic tale before it became my life.

But if I can't give my man forever, I will give him my wedding, or at least the means I have saved for that wedding. I will give him this journal, so that he can see without embellishment how I feel and why the money is for him and him alone. He will know my sincerity and the reasons he deserves to have it so that I can have the peace of knowing I had something to do with that incredible soul reaching for his dreams. Fourth wall be damned, I will say it. I love you, Tom. I have since I met you. Everything in this journal is yours. The memories, the truths (all the awkward, embarrassing truths) and the means to start a life without me we both can be proud of. I am yours forever. Love Jamie."

The envelope, at last open in a fit of shaking hands and weeping, opened to reveal a cashiers check made out to him in the amount of 20 thousand dollars. Jamie's wedding money, his now as a gift for the wedding which would never happen. He had no words. Well, he had no words of his own. What he did have was a journal full of all the words he needed. They weren't his own, but they were the right words, and they were enough.