It's Okay to Be Alone

Over the course of this week, I have witnessed what a relationship should and should not be. Of course, I am familiar. I am versed on the subject. But, sometimes, you may need a reminder of the exact details of what you are looking for in a relationship.

What I witnessed made me angry, sad, and then complacent.

I was angry because it happened to some friends of mine, and I can be pretty protective over my friends. Another reason I became angry is because I thought I had chosen friends who did not let such decisions affect their wellbeing. "At any given time," I comment to myself, "Why would they choose such an idiot?"

Then, I grew sad for my friends, since it seemed they were stuck. They didn’t have a backup plan, or it seemed they were desperately seeking a way to make sure the one they loved never left. I am sad, because I know they can do better. But, it seems that they think they cannot.

Finally, I grew complacent. My feelings started to grow stagnant. If you choose, or chose, to put yourself into situations such as the ones I witnessed, then perhaps no one needs to give you sympathy anymore. Perhaps you should take control, and do what needs to be done and cut all ties.

Two years ago, I left my now ex-husband. It was mutual. We knew it was coming. I fought all my desires, but I could not fight who I was, who I truly am — a lesbian. After a while, we discussed our relationship, and I explained how troubled I was for dragging him through some very dark stages of my life, only to leave him for the opposite sex. He told me it was okay, and how he understood. Then, he told me he had never seen me in love until I had met a certain someone. It was true. I no longer speak to this certain someone, but heartbreaks come and heartbreaks go.

What I also learned about myself was my deep need to be with anyone and everyone. This was something that started to become a part of me at a very young age. There were times in my life when I wasn’t with anyone, but there were times in my life when even I don’t know the numbers, the names, or the faces. I came to terms with my addiction about a year ago, and have been “clean” for two years. In these two years, I have come to terms with more than just this one revelation.

When you fight urges, you start to learn things about yourself that are beautiful, ugly, and anything in-between. You learn what you really want, what you can do without, and what you will never, ever put up with.

I damaged myself. I am healing. I am not done, but I feel I am ready to put myself out there and try to form a real relationship. At least, I thought I was.

When I decided this, the Universe decided to show, or rather to remind me, what it is I could be getting myself into. And, since these were possible triggers (I am not sure yet), the Universe was telling me to become more aware. The Universe told me to wait.

Instinctively, I listened.

I witnessed a friend being yelled at. The yelling was borderline abusive. I watched another friend give their all, only to be tossed aside like garbage. I watched resentment take a toll. I saw what lust, love, and a naive heart can do to a person, all under one assumption — they are scared to be alone.

Alone is hard. Before I was married, I was never alone — ever. I didn’t know what it was like until two years ago, but really, more recently. When you’re fresh out of a relationship and you are alone, you sometimes do not feel alone. You still feel some sort of attachment. When you become completely detached, then you are truly alone. This is not something handled lightly, especially for someone like myself. However, I knew for the sake of everything that I am, I had to stop. I had to force myself into my own personal rehab. It wasn’t easy. Many times, I felt the need to jump back into my old habits. So, I stayed home. I kept to myself. I leaned on the support of nature, friends, family, and my wonderful dog, so I wouldn’t try and fill my invisible “void” with strangers.

This is why relationships can be difficult. Perhaps we are in one to stop feeling lonely. If so, it is a terrible thing to do to yourself and the person you are with.

When I witnessed what I didn’t want over this past week, I think the Universe was reminding me to take my time and work on myself a little longer. I have to tell you, I am absolutely fine with this. I have my own issues. I have to get myself more established. I thought I might be ready, but when I look around, listen to others, and follow my instinct, I know I am not ready. I will give myself another year perhaps. I will give myself as long as it takes.

I will work on myself before I drag someone into my life and hope they can work on me too, because I am too scared to work it out alone.

That’s the point that might sting a little.

If you’re reading this and it relates, read the quote above again and again, until it sinks. Let those words sink in deep.

I am not perfect. I can be destructive. I am, at times, a mess. We are all a mess. We should not pretend to be any different. However, just because we have issues, does not mean we settle for what we think we are worth. You are worth more than you will ever know, and it will take a special person to see exactly what you are, accept it, and be with you—not to fill a void, but to have someone to love. We must love ourselves first so we know the true value of our worth.

So, if you’re out there with someone who treats you like garbage, but your justification is “it’s better than being alone," you need to be alone more than ever.

Take the time needed to know yourself. Alone may be exactly what you need.

Thank you for reading.