It's Crazy What a Little Distance Can Do

I have let someone walk all over me, even though it felt like they were supporting me. And no matter how much I care and no matter how much I know this is unhealthy, why do I stay?

Is it because I have my own life that I cannot imagine them not being there, and I know that it doesn’t matter if I’m in theirs or not?

Is it because they’re my best friend in this whole world, literally?

They asked me to move halfway around the world for them to get out of the horrible situation that they were in. Yet, it seems that they are unable to not put themselves in these situations where people use them and their feelings for their own personal need.

I genuinely know it’s because I want them to be happy with every aspect of their life and I know that they won’t be able to do it by themselves because of what they have suffered in the past and the fact that they feel as though they don’t deserve anything wonderful in life.

I’ve learned a lot moving around the world to a foreign country yet in different cities, I’ve learned that no matter how much effort I put into this person to support them to be strong and stand up for what they deserve they throw my effort into my face.

I didn’t have to come over here, yet I came here thinking it would be a new start because they said that they would leaving the mistreatment of themselves in the past the best they could. And this summer I had full belief they would…

Yet this new behavior is shocking to me. This behavior of telling me that you will come visit or having me travel all the way up to see you for you to ask me to come late in the night and leave early the next day. And to have conversations like we used to, and now everything I say is an argument and everything that goes against their thoughts is rude and I don’t listen enough.

Am I seeing the thoughts that you always hid, or are you upset at me? I wish I knew but I feel like I am talking to a brick wall, hard and immobile.

This person was the one person I told everything to, and also became someone I don’t know very quickly. And for all the years that we spent together relying on each other and telling everything to one another, I am starting to think they never had a policy of truthfulness with me, and I am a fool for believing that they did.

I was never one to believe that actions speak louder than words, but in this case, I have to believe that. Because they have shoved my faith, trust, and support right into my face. I would have preferred if they had screamed and left me with nothing, but instead it was a quiet stripping, one small thing after another. Even the times where they just lied blatantly to my face, I forgave and gave another chance. But how many times can I do this, how many times can I let them destroy my faith in a best friend.

Clearly, I don’t matter enough to them to deserve their time, attention, and truth. I’ve had this conversation too many times for me to have to energy to bring it up and talk to them again and again. It’s nothing but circles, and I am not going to be defined as insane hoping their behavior will change.

My journey has been very long and difficult, and I know what it’s like to find some sort of strength on your own, so if I can be of some help to someone. Even just smiling or encouraging them a little, it means the world to me. But, if they don’t want that, well.

If that is how it needs to be then I just have to acknowledge it and move on.