It's Because I'm a Nice Guy

Every woman knows this man. He’s the one who sends you Facebook messages every day and likes all your pictures to the point where it becomes uncomfortable. He’s the one who’ll offer to work on your car for ‘free’ but will become angry when you reject his request for a date. He’ll take interest in the things you like, solely to impress you.

He’ll even go as far as to read your blogs, and then grow angry with you for wasting his time when you don’t want to date him. He’s the one who wouldn’t be friends with you if he didn’t find you attractive. He’s the guy who’ll call you names when you politely reject him. He’ll tell everyone you friend-zoned him, and then he’ll slut-shame you for talking to any man that isn’t him.

I can still remember the first time I became aware of a “nice guy”. I was working at Wal-Mart, and there was a guy who would always find a way to be around me. He reminded me of Dave Coulier as he walked the department while playing the drums on his stomach.

For some odd reason, he’d taken an interest in me. He’d often comment about my looks, the clothing I was wearing, or what I was currently in the process of doing. I didn’t like him, but I was willing to be his friend. He seemed fine with the fact that I didn’t want to date him until his friend took an interest in me.

I’d never seen anyone throw their friend under the bus as quickly as he did. Suddenly, his friend had developed a habit of clipping his toenails with his teeth and other disgusting things. Nothing ever came of his friend’s flirtation with me, and both men were fired shortly after I’d met them.

Years later, that “nice guy” came across my profile on Facebook. I was having financial problems at the time, and he knew it. He asked me out under the premise that he would make sure I had something to eat. When I said no, his response was to inform me that he thought I was a two out of ten, looks-wise.

I pointed out that he was clearly trying to date me and had only insulted my looks once I rejected him. He claimed that he liked my ‘goth style’ and was still willing to date me. I didn’t have a goth style. I dressed much like any other woman my age, but he needed an excuse for his behavior.

It didn’t take long before I encountered another man like this. The department I worked in had several department managers, and this “nice guy” happened to be one of them. I developed what I thought was a friendship with him.

We didn’t talk outside of work, but our coworkers thought of the friendship as something more. I’d be asked about him at least once a day, and sometimes my coworkers would throw out negative facts about him (someone told me he used to be 300 pounds and that he was obsessed with an ex-girlfriend). I usually didn’t pay attention to these statements and believed some of them to be jokes.

One day, the “nice guy” got into an argument with me. I’m not sure what I did, but one day I angered him, and he yelled at me about how many times he ‘went to bat for me’. It was as if he wanted credit for being kind to me. Our friendship wasn’t quite the same after that.

Then there’s the “nice guy” that I actually dated. I noticed something was amiss with him when he told me about a woman that he’d gone on one date with. He’d given her a free tattoo design. They spent the entire ‘date’ at the tattoo parlor. After she was done getting her tattoo, she didn’t want to see him again.

Sure, her actions were wrong. She should have paid him for the tattoo design, but his actions were worse. I remember the expression on his face when he told me he wished that tattoo would get infected. I felt confused because she shouldn’t have bothered him anymore. He wasn’t interested in the woman anymore, but he viewed his time and efforts as wasted.

The most recent “nice guy” that I’ve encountered was a coworker. I was desperate for a friend, and I think he knew that. He swooped in and was more than willing to provide me with his friendship, but what I didn’t know that he was evaluating me for a romantic relationship. He’d ask me weird questions and tell me things that made me feel uncomfortable. He started to get jealous of the other men at work. He also began telling me toxic things about his past relationships.

I remember him telling me that his ex was stupid, but at least she’d been hot. Each sentence he uttered brought many more red flags, and I knew he hadn’t befriended me for the right reasons. He’d often insult me as an attempt to draw me closer to him, telling me things like I must not be a good person because my other coworkers didn’t like me. Things became worse after he asked me to go for a walk with him and I responded with ‘maybe’.

His behavior reached a boiling point one night when I was doing homework after midnight. I’m not sure what bothered him, but a message popped up on my computer stating that he’d gone through all the trouble of getting to know me when no one else had. From the way he acted, you’d think he wanted an award. Because I worked with him, I struggled to make up with him, but that only made things worse.

The issue soon exploded into work and stressed me out to the point where I dreaded going into work. Seeing him left a knot in my stomach, and I soon became afraid for my safety, but he was a nice guy, right? At least that’s how he saw himself.

Now, I see it as a red flag whenever a man describes himself as a “nice guy”.

While the experiences I’ve had are less than ideal, they have at least taught me what I don’t want in a man. And that men who describe themselves as “nice guys” rarely are. Every nice guy I’ve met has wanted something from me and thrown a fit when he didn’t get his way.

That’s why I’m looking for a good man instead of a nice guy.

Previously published in The Virago.