It’s a Love Story

Thump. Thump. Thump. My heart pounds as I come across your profile for the first time. I swipe to the right seeing hearts fill the screen my own heart does a flip. Ping! I see your message start to filter through the cracks in my heart. Months go by and as much as I shove you the brick wall facade you leave up doesn’t budge. You stay. Even as I talk to others and try to flirt my way through existence, you stay. As men come and go breaking down what is left of my withering heart, you stay. So one blistering summer day I make a decision, I stop shoving. We lay in my bed a mess of entangling heart beats and as I gaze into your half lit moons that encompass your eyes I know I’m home. Immediately I put my everything into you and I force the love that remains onto that towering brick wall. We make it official. Ding. Ding. Ding. Support pours in from all angles. The hurt and the pain starts to fade replaced with your smile and your laugh. Every date planned and late night adventures fill me up with an unimaginable hope that comes to the brim like a glass about to spill over. I try to show you in every way that my heart is yours now, so I do what I am most afraid of and say the most meaningful words I know. We’ve only been official three weeks but my heart has known yours for a year and it can’t take the silence any longer. But the silence continues. You don’t respond. You say you’re not ready for that yet. Crack. I say it’s okay and to take your time all the while the crevice grows. A week goes by and my mind battles itself. I constantly pick and pull and the threads keeping my mind in tact. Every day feels like a struggle with one second full of never ending happiness and the next gut wrenching pain and sadness. My two sides constantly yell at one another making it hard to read the subtitles of my heart. The finally you say it back. The day was bad and long until you couldn’t stand another argument another sad moment so utter what my heart longs to feel. And it does. It feels it so much it never wants to let go and it pushes and pushes for it to stay. Month after month goes by filled with happy times overlooked by small fights and missed dates. I thought I was giving you my all when really it was therapy session you didn’t ask for. The days feel forced and my mind questions you at every turn because that’s what it knows. My heart loves your more than anything else but my mind knows yours is fading from view. I start to push more and more knowing the moment is coming when that brick wall will consume me. Crack. You say you’re fine and that nothing is wrong. The strings feel that familiar pull and my mouth starts before my heart can wrench it back. I question again and again and again. Leaving you tired and drained. The fight felt like the leaves when they fall off the tree, drained and used. The next day comes and my heart knows what’s coming. We talk for hours on end not wanting the resolution to come but secretly knowing that it will. Crack. The resolution is here. Your heart leaves mine for good. Days feel like years and my heart is done for good. It knows nothing but pain and bleeding. It doesn’t understand and it wants you to come back but the mind knows you want yet the pulling won’t stop and it’s overwhelming and suffocating and it never ever stops. Until one day it does. One day the crevices stand still and the heart feels okay. Crack. You have found another. The heart breaks all over again and it knows it will never be the same. The heart try’s to grow and move but it can’t it still connects to yours. But you can’t and you won’t ruin the happiness you had so many times before. You want hurt his heart again. So you keep it in and do what the mind tells you to and you laugh and the heart aches again. It knows that love will never leave but you have to let it go. Then it happens again. Thump. Thump. Thump.