Is there a one?

I thought I found the one, surprisingly someone I never thought I could even imagine being within a relationship. We were so different, we still are, in my opinion. However, when telling myself this person was the one, I might not have found that person. I just convinced myself to believe in it. They were giving me what I never thought I could ever ask for in a relationship, but they also gave me something I never wanted to experience. Betrayal, my feelings not being heard and just not being able to communicate our issues.

I was so blind-sighted at the time, only now after the final cry session had been completed. I realised I fell into a hole of love so deep, that it took me so long to climb myself out when that love eventually started eating me emotionally and mentally. It’s hard to process losing someone when you’ve created this whole future in your head with them, but you have to realise that we are in a fairytale. Reality can hit you at any moment because we are in reality. It’s going to knock you back to the present when you are too caught up in your head that everything is terrific.

Couple in great relationships understand the realism of them, there are up and downs, and they do what it takes to solve their issues. Rather than being stuck in your head that everything is okay. This last relationship taught me a lot about myself:

• I fall too hard,
• I have attachment issues,
• I want to feel loved because I never got to experience being liked by a guy as a child/teenager,
• I crave attention from men, specifically compliments because I never got them when I was younger,
• And lastly not wanting to be alone

I cried a lot after the break-up and developed a lot of anger when I had to relive the pain in my head. I would daydream the memory when I would see something that would connect with the memory. It was so painful because it something specific but started to pop up more than I had ever seen it. I felt like I was being punished when I was the one that felt the most pain in that relationship. All I wanted was to move on, but the universe didn’t seem to want that for me.

Although this period of my life has scarred me quite severely. I’m building from this event, maybe for a quite a while. I don’t want to give up on love and finding someone that will give me the respect I deserve, because everyone deserves it. I want to find someone that can deal with my flaws, wants to listen to my problems and is happy when they see me. In my rebuilding, it will be hard to let someone else in my life who wants to be with me. I know deep down I’m not ready (I was crying while I typed that sentence). It’s hard to accept that, but until it’s ingrained in my head what I truly deserve from a boyfriend, then I can’t just fall straight for the next guy and continue the mistakes I’ve made.

At this stage in time, I understand that I need to take my time when dating. So I can look out for the red flags and not take things just because I’ve fallen head over heels for the person. Not having that attachment lets me see what I should see and let me leave when I’m not being treated the way I deserve.