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Is It Normal To Keep Pictures, Or Souvenirs, Of Your Ex?

Nothing and everything is normal in relationships. But should you be worried?

By Ellen "Jelly" McRaePublished 2 years ago 10 min read
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The love souvenirs | Image created on Canva

One of my closest friends invited me to a bonfire recently. She called it "the bonfire of his exes".

I found this invitation weird. I hadn't heard of such a ritual. It was a bonfire of his exes, meaning a ceremonial burning of every souvenir and memento belonging to her husband.

It turns out they had a wild screaming match when she found his box of old photos and love letters when they were moving. She couldn't believe he would keep such things of his past, considering how happy they were together.

He didn't see the problem. She said the way he was keeping things from his past relationship wasn't normal.

And in the spirit of keeping their union a harmonious one, my friend's husband agreed to let her burn everything linked to his former flames.

She welcomed my participation. "If you have anything to burn, bring it over."

The whole situation was a mess. I've avoided taking sides, by the way.

Their way of dealing with the situation wasn't the bigger problem here. It's the fundamental disagreement between them about what is normal and what isn't that has me thinking.

Is it normal to keep souvenirs from your past relationships now you're in a new one?

The definition of normal

I hate using the word normal in relationships because there really is no normal.

It's also not healthy to assess the behaviours of other people because we aren't the keepers of "normal". With our differing beliefs, what's normal to one person isn't to the other.

In the debate about keeping mementos, normal is out.

I believed it's more productive to analyse behaviours that should cause us concern versus behaviours we needn't worry about.

Why should we feel worried about mementos?

I can understand my friend's concern. Holding onto the past can indicate red flags about our relationship and the future commitment of our partner. Holding onto souvenirs of the past could mean:

  • Your partner continues to harbour romantic feelings for their ex
  • Your partner yearns for their old relationship
  • Your partner hasn't moved on from their old relationship
  • Your partner is still in connection with their ex, unawares to you
  • Your partner hasn't committed to the new relationship with you

Now, it could mean these things, or you could be way off base with your assessment. Irrational, in some people's eyes.

The problem with harbouring concern over our partner's past is it can reflect poorly on us. It can make us look like we're:

  • Jealous of their past relationship
  • Unjustly worried about your partner cheating on you
  • Distrusting our partner
  • Unable to maturely accept our partner has a past before us

As you can tell, this is a balancing act we need to become proficient at juggling.

It's about balancing the concern for our partner and their past with what is logical about the person we know they are now.

Green flag behaviours

The following are the behaviours you shouldn't feel overly concerned about:

1. Keeping old printed photos in the attic

We live in a world where we capture and store most images in digital form.

Sure, your partner might have a hard drive with old pictures on it, buried away in sub folders. That happens, especially as you switch from computer to computer, and have cloud syncing set up too.

It's saved without the user realising it.

The same applies to the printed photo.

It's been so long since printing images from a roll of film was the only way to share and treasure photos.

But whether we knew it or not, we used to collect physical photos unwillingly like our digital photos now. Instead of them having them stored on some drive, they're in boxes mixed with school photos and yearbooks.

An old box of pictures kept deep down in storage isn't the issue. As someone who's just moved house and discovered she has things she could have sworn she disposed of, you can hoard without knowing it.

Having possession of old pictures of exes is not a relationship crime. It's what you do with them. 

Feel concerned if:

  • Your partner is making a conscious effort to hide them - An extreme example would be taking out a storage unit you don't have access to or know about.
  • Your partner goes down memory lane way too often - They spend time in storage staring at these pictures and remembering their past.
  • Complete reluctance to part with them - Even at the slightest suggestion of getting rid of them, they are extremely defensive and unable to commit to the idea.

2. Keeping pictures that were of other memorable moments

The problem with photos of our ex is that they tend to become muddled in with all the other photos we have of other memorable moments in our life.

My brother's ex-girlfriend is in all the photos of my sister's wedding. I have pictures of my ex-boyfriend holding my nephew when he was born. Do these situations sound familiar?

This is simply a case of bad luck. The ex happened to be around during some of the most significant moments in your partner's life.

You can't ask your partner to get rid of the memento because it removes more than just the ex.

It's the memento of a birth, marriage, death, graduation and everything else significant in someone's life.

3. Gifts from the gift list

What we often don't realise is how much of the things our partner owns have come from an ex.

There are sentimental things like jewellery and watches, which I will address in the red flags section further below. Then there is everything completely unsentimental.

I call these all the things from the gift list.

It might not be a physical list, but it is possessions your partner has asked for or expressed interest in that an ex-partner has purchased for them.

Perhaps it was a winter coat from a year before, or a book they wanted to read.

There's nothing to worry about if they do keep it, especially considering how unsentimental it is.

Replacing it simply because an ex-bought it is a waste of resources and money.

4. The three P's

It's irrational to expect your partner to remove the following P's from their former life; their pets, their property, and the people they gained through their ex. In short, I'm referring to their kids.

Pets and children are a given. They are living life forms your partner has vowed to look after and nurture.

The vow isn't with your ex. The promise isn't to keep their ex happy. It's because they care and love the living life form and want it to live a safe and happy life.

Keeping property isn't always about staying connected to an ex. It's a superficial and narrow-minded way to assess holding onto property. It doesn't factor in any other scenario, such as:

  • Holding onto it for stability for the children - Keeping their routine normal and remaining close to school and facilities they use
  • Financial reasons - You don't sell a house on a whim. For some, it's their investment and they can't financially afford to offload it because of a break-up.
  • Where they live - They might have lived there with an ex, but it's always been their house, the house they wanted or built, or their dream forever home.
  • Convenience - It's not so simple to move house because you shared the property with an ex. This house could be close to work and relatives, a disruption you don't want to make.

Red flag behaviours

I'm not going to call it abnormal, because there isn't anything weird in relationships. They are only red flags and parts of the relationship that could lead to bigger problems.

These are those behaviours.

1. Phone Pictures

We keep our phones on us at all times and they are a ready source of contact with the past. Pictures on their phone aren't the same as pictures buried away in storage where you have to dig through to find them.

If they are at your fingertips, with easy access, it can indicate they are keeping them for that reason.

It's not a guarantee. Don't underestimate how lazy people can be at cleaning out their phones of old pictures of their ex.

A greater red flag would be speaking about this issue with your partner and explaining how uncomfortable it makes you feel. And your partner refuses to do anything about it.

2. Pride of place memories

Having the pictures somewhere on your phone is one issue, hanging on the walls of the home is another.

If your partner is continuing to display pictures of their ex in their home, this is a red flag they haven't moved on from the relationship.

The act of taking down a photo is easy to do in principle. But emotionally is a different story, and the fact they can't make that emotional step is concerning.

Photos with exes and children are a contentious issue. They were a family before you entered the picture.

The same goes for wedding pictures and significant moments in their life I mentioned earlier.

A discussion about these momentos wouldn't hurt your relationship, especially if you could compromise on the placement of the pictures. Or if they could find an alternate picture from that day.

For example, they should be able to replace a family photo with one of just them and the kids, or with you and their kids.

It isn't unreasonable to have this discussion if you live there, too. If it's your home, you're entitled to have a say in who's faces live on your walls and who you have to stare at every day.

3. Sentimental jewellery

Much to my ex's dismay, I throw out the Tiffany ring he gave me. It was hard to do considering the ring's value. I should have sold it, reflecting upon it in hindsight.

But I was angry and hurt and wanted to get rid of this souvenir of my former life.

I know first-hand how sentimental jewellery is and the significance of holding onto it. Yet, continuing to wear it is even more problematic.

They actively keep this treasured part of their ex close to them at all times. We could view this as worse than the photos on their phone. At least the photos aren't always in plain sight.

Again, a conversation is best about this topic, as you can't always be sure how sentimental the jewellery is. Or whether it was one of those gifts they wanted, and their ex happened to give it to them.

4. Awaiting collection items

I can't justify or reason this behaviour as anything else but a red flag.

When someone is holding onto the possessions of their ex, waiting for them to pick them up, it's a connection they can't let go of. They are literally waiting for their ex to return at some stage.

It's hard if they only just broke up and they are still dividing assets.

That's when you've entered a very fragile stage of the break-up, where they haven't quite completed their separation.

But years later? That's a concern.

The items should have been returned or disposed of, not hanging around as a reminder the ex could return at any moment.

How worried do you get?

Worry is the building of concern to the point of exhaustion. It's the moment when you all the red flags add up and you can't see any good for the bad. 

But here's the other problem. What's a red flag to me is a green to you. You might read through my list and disagree entirely with everything I warned you to stress about. 

So where does this leave us?

It leaves us with communication and conviction. Only you know your partner, your relationship and their behaviours. And only you can solve your worry with communication about the red or green flags you see. 

Don't let worry consume you. Do something about it now.

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About the Creator

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

I’m here to use my wins and losses in #relationships as your cautionary tale | Writes 1LD; Cautionary tale #romance fiction | http://www.ellenjellymcrae.com/

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