Into the light

I’m in the gray. Gone are the colors and sounds of life. Gone are all the trappings of the living. My world is now limited to tints of darkness and cold. My whole universe locked in the confines of school bus 401. As always, I sit in the back. Alone. The gray makes me sad. Or maybe my sadness makes the gray. I don’t really know.

Kids are boarding bus 401. I can see them through a darkish haze. No real faces. No sounds. Just silhouettes, shadows, moving against the canvas of my existence. Then he climbs on.

Davy.

His face I see. Him I see. When he comes on, I remember the gun, cold and heavy. Its metallic taste in my mouth.

-I HATE YOU DAVY!

My voice booms in my lonely universe. So loud I feel bus 401 should simply explode under the sound wave. Yet nothing changes. Bus 401 stays the same. Davy doesn’t even shift in his seat. I’m about to recline, lay back in the gray when a voice, another voice sounds out.

-What you got there, Davy?

-Richard.

The name escapes my lips with a sob. Hardly more than a whisper and yet, this causes a ripple, which becomes a rip, in the texture of reality and through it, I can see colors again. The shadows are people once more and I can see the sunlight through the dirty windows of bus 401. In the center of it all, I see Richard.

-Oh Richard…

The name escapes my mouth again and I feel it on my lips like a soft caress. Gratitude wells up in my soul at this. To FEEL once more! Richard, dark-haired and lightly built, sits across from Davy. The square-shouldered boy looks slightly embarrassed and I realize that he’s pushing –shoving, really– a sport bag under the seat.

-Nothing interesting, Geeksquad. Just some dirty clothes and football gear.

Geeksquad. Everybody used to call Richard by that name. I used to call him that too, in my heart, but in a much softer tone than most.

Richard laughs and I can see light spill out from his mouth in waves. I feel heat again.

-You sure Davy? Could have sworn it was a dead guy you got in there!

Davy smiles weakly and looks away and I feel anger rise again. The light recedes. The gray boils around me and red streaks are starting to pop here and there.

Richard laughs (but it sounds false) and punches Davy in the arm. The punch is soft, more of a knuckle-rub, really. The worry in Davy’s eyes fades, replaced by a secret inner joy. Richard blushes then turns away to look out the window.

Anger seeps out of me.

Warmth comes off them in waves. Warmth and peace.

Transfixed, I look out the window and see that I can now recognize the neighborhood. My neighborhood. There is no more gray around me and tears streak down my face as I speak those two words:

-Thank you.

The whisper seems to carry over, to pierce the veil because I see Richard shiver. He turns around to look at Davy.

-I’m sorry about that joke. I didn’t really know how to bring Jonathan’s death up.

Davy nods and I can see tears on his strong face. Richard continues.

-It wasn’t your fault, Davy. It never was your fault.

Davy sobs but muffles the sound in his shirtsleeve and moves away from Richard, to sit by the window. Richard joins him on his seat and lays a hand on his shoulder. A new light, stronger than the sun seems to emanate from them. It’s so bright I can’t believe nobody on the bus is reacting to it.

-Davy, it wasn’t your fault.

Davy sobs once more then takes a deep breath and wipes his face.

-How are you so sure, Richard? After all, the letter said it all. I mean Jonathan loved you… And I… We…

The light burns brighter. I feel it inside me now and suddenly something clicks. I stand from my lonely seat (no kids sat there for months) and walk up to Davy and Richard. Bending close to Davy’s ear, I whisper:

-I forgive you, Davy.

Then I move to Richard.

-I love you, Geeksquad.

Light suffuses me now. It eclipses the sun and a peace like I’ve never known comes to me. Richard looks around to make sure no one is watching and then kisses Davy’s lips oh so softly. Davy looks surprised, dazed really and Richard says:

-I’m sure because I’m sure, Dave. That’s the end to it.

Bus 401 comes to a stop. Both Davy and Richard get off, shining bright. As in a trance, I follow them and step out. Into the light.