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In Another Lifetime

by kaitlin hull 3 years ago in breakups

Codependency's Dark Storm

"The light of hope only shines bright when we face the darkness shrouding it first."  This is Photograph by Kaitlin Marie hull and was captured in August 2018.

I still remember the first time my eyes met yours. I was rendered speechless by the kindness and compassion, the swirls of blues and greens, and the way your eyes had the depth of an ocean beneath them. I was beside myself, for never before had I been so drawn to another person in my life. We tried to fight it, tried to deny it, but the bond we grew to share became unbreakable and we could no longer pretend. People tried to keep us apart but it merely fed the desire like oil to a flame. We became inseparable within a few months. Romeo and Juliet quickly became a building block in our relationship. We clung to every second as if it was our last and gave each other a part of ourselves we didn't know we had to give. We did everything together and eventually started to shut people out one by one. All we needed and wanted in that moment was each other. We were blissfully unaware that this was the start of an horrific end.

Over time, what was once beautiful and cherished withered and suffocated us. We stopped going on dates and gradually stopped going out at all. We became each other rather then growing as individuals. We cut off nearly all ties to friends and family alike. It grew to the point where we could no longer function apart. We were so deeply attached to each other we could not see the destructive aspects of our relationship. We had completely lost our sense of selves within each other. Still I recall the day that one phone call brought me to my knees and stole my breath. "I can't do this anymore." Those four words became Earth shattering to me. Tears erupted from my eyes and the sobbing ensued. I couldn't breathe; it felt surreal. I so desperately wanted to believe it was a dream. The feeling of mourning a loved one came to mind as to how much pain I endured in that moment and years to come.

I dried my face and shakily as well as slowly struggled to get up from the front deck floor at my house. I waited to gain my composure then I quickly drove to your job. I refused to give up. We talked for a few minutes and then you kissed me and said, "Maybe in another lifetime." Then you were gone.

I was frozen. The nightmares ensued. Every morning I relived the knowledge that you were gone. I couldn't sleep or eat, let alone feel much at all. I threw up every morning due to separation anxiety. I mourned you for years to come and numbed myself with alcohol. There were many nights I blacked out and didn't come home. Many times I had no idea what happened or where I even was. Those last words, "maybe in another lifetime" swirled within my mind; for years, I struggled to forget. The single kiss goodbye stays within me evermore. Some pain simply cannot be erased or therapy driven out. My love for you seemed irrevocable. It was as if I had hollowed completely as if I were a shell with not a single worth.

I struggle to feel a sense of self worth to this day. Without you, I felt unsafe and I grew to fear everything. I had shut myself out to the entire world. It's not that I didn't want to see my friends and family. I missed them so dearly but I had forgotten how to interact with anyone, even myself. I was so afraid I would rarely leave the house and when I did, my panic attacks were so severe they brought me to severe nausea. No matter what I did I would always retch my brains out. I completely fell apart. I continued to spiral to the point we're I wound up going through several hospitalizations for mental health. I was so dependent on you I no longer knew how to rely on myself let alone be myself. I went through so much pain when you left and still struggle to this day with it and my mental health. Every day I get up and strive for change is a step in the right direction because when you left, the person I became was unrecognizable. Your were everywhere I went, not in reality but within the chaos of my mind. In every song, every show, every breeze, and every breath, there wasn't a single moment that my mind didn't lead straight to our memories and you. I was so detached from myself I had to learn to live again to be me again. I'm so much stronger than I once was but I will live this for the rest of my life. It is my scar to bear.

These days I'm in a healthy, loving long term relationship. Although the pain of losing you was unbearable, it led me to him and that would never have come to be if I never faced the darkness of codependency. The moral to the story is to always stay true to yourself. Recognize the signs before it's too late. The more you bury your problems, the more they fester and grow. Never allow your love for someone else outweigh your love for yourself or compromise your needs for someone else's happiness. You deserve happiness and to live your life unshackled by such struggles. Be strong. Be brave. Be you.


kaitlin hull

My names Kaitlin but y'all can call me kat. I love writting,drawing,reading,and music. I also have a passion for photography. I currently work full-time and go to school full-time as well. Any extra funds would help alot so yeah lol

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