I’m in a Straight Relationship but Am I Straight?
What do I identify as?!
April 2018, my boyfriend and I will be celebrating our 10 years of being together. We met when we were in high school and fell fast and hard in love. Fast forward to today... we have two young children together, two dogs, and a home. We have created this whole life and 90% of the time I’m content.
Since day one I’ve always been attracted to my current partner. That has never been the issue, when I saw him for the first time, I was instantly in love. Our sex life then and now is wonderful. I’m satisfied mentally and sexually with him on a general basis. Of course with kids and work and simply put “life in general” we aren’t in the bedroom like we use to be when we were fresh or as much as I would desire to be. And I’ve always felt that I was the one to demand sex more. I crave(d) it. I’m not sure if a lot of women in straight relationships can resonate with me. But I’m aware that my sexual appetite is healthy and possibly healthier than most other individuals. I'm always looking for the next best orgasm. That certainly doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings... Of course being intimate and romantic is important and it’s not always about sex and only sex. But I do enjoy having sex more than making love if we are being completely honest here. Since my partner is more on the reserved side he isn’t too keen on a hot and steamy hookup in an empty parking lot for no reason. He would much prefer to be in a more intimate setting oddly enough. We have discussed the possibility he gets spiked anxiety in situations such as those. So we are like night and day. Maybe I’m too spontaneous? Or maybe he needs to live a little. It’s something we have struggled with as a couple being so completely different. Take note that this isn’t the deal breaker in our relationship. We regularly discuss our sexual needs and wants with each other, however with all that communication—in the end we still prioritize sex a lot differently and it only comes natural to the both of us to do so. Everyone has different needs and mine seem to be a lot larger than his. Either way I catch myself fantasizing about random women. Would the sex be amazing? Or would it be uncomfortable and awkward? Maybe I’m subconsciously craving something different? Am I bixseual? At first it was all extremely confusing to me.
Before I go any further I need to admit, that I’ve had the stereotypical gay (lesbian) moment. You must know exactly what I’m talking about, your young and experiencing new things. My first party lesbian moment was pretty short lived and I’m sure there was a lot of convincing on the other side of the room for it to happen. I was shy and inexperienced. High school was a tricky place. Especially in the late 80s and early 90s. Everything was still very judgmental and a hot make-out session between me and this party girl was only cool because people said it was. But no one really cared how I actually felt. It was only accepted under certain circumstances which is wrong. And I wish I had more knowledge at the time. It felt awesome and exciting by the way! She was an amazing kisser and it was easy to imagine it going farther than just a kiss. Even though I had way too much to drink at the time I was coherent enough to realize it turned me on. But instead of acting on my urges I put those cool points in my pocket and continued on as if it didn’t blow my mind that I loved kissing girls just as much as I loved kissing guys. It was gossiped about for a couple weeks than everyone moved on and I guess essentially forgot about it. But I sure didn’t.
So here’s the million dollar question... what am I?
- Am I straight but trying to fill a sexual void by turning to same sex fantasizing based off my earlier experience?
- Am I secretly gay playing house with my male partner of 10 years?
- Am I bisexual?
- Or lastly am I just an adulterer, who is portraying unfaithful tendencies? If I’m not fantasizing about my partner I shouldn’t be fantasizing at all right?
All are not who I am. I stopped attempting to put myself in 3 sole categories only (Straight, gay, and bisexual), because let’s be honest, the world is more colourful than black, white, and grey so to speak. A lot of individuals do not fall in those categories and I am one of them. My path of realization has been a long journey: with tons of self doubt. But now I feel more confident in who I am as an individual. With a lot of soul searching I’ve came to the light at the end of the tunnel. I am a pansexual and proud. How did I get to this realization? Well let’s say for the sake of this article my partner of 10 years and I decided to end our current relationship. I know in my heart I wouldn’t necessarily opt towards woman and woman only when moving forward, nor would I opt for another straight relationship only either. It never would come down to gender or a label as a decider. And it feels so amazing to say that. If a connection is there—it’s there plain and simple, male or female. The surface is the least of my concern when it comes to my initial attraction to someone. I kissed that girl at the party because she was an outgoing party girl who most loved to be around. She was attractive and bubbly. She was easy to talk to and was kind to other people. She was and probably is still a good person and her qualities are what I like in a partner. If she were a boy I’d be just as excited. I truly believe that’s why I can picture/fantazise being with women and men alike.
Feeling even more confident because my current straight relationship has a fiery connection still after realizing my self. Technically I would consider him as my truest friend, my sexual partner, and the father of my children. We have a beautiful, complex relationship with normal ups and down, but we’re on a healthy road and that’s all that matters to me. Fantasizing about women on occasion doesn’t mean I’m going to be unfaithful. I’ve put time, effort, and lots of love into our relationship and I don’t intend on tossing it aside because I enjoy both sexes not just one. I’m committed to him and all of him. And I simply feel blessed to be able to enjoy the best of all worlds not just the sole 3, when it comes to where my attraction lies. After my godly moment of awareness I felt the last piece to my puzzle formed the unique and proud design that is me.