I’m Allowed to Leave
You’re allowed to save yourself and leave.
You’re allowed to leave a story that makes you unhappy, that doesn’t feel completely right. You’re allowed to walk away when you feel like you have tried everything in your power to make it work. Life is full of people settling for how they think they should feel and not how they want to feel. I don’t want to be like that. I want to feel happy all the time, at least as much as it is possible. I want to laugh, scream, cry, whenever the hell I want. I want to be… whoever I decide that is at the time.
I am tired of being stuck in the same rut, trying to fix something that just might not be fixable. I am tired of feeling guilty because it hurts someone else. It sucks, don’t get me wrong, but I am allowed to be selfish sometimes too.
Yeah, you can call me that, it hurts and you say that I never meant anything I ever said but I did and I still do. But every once in awhile, don’t we all deserve to be selfish? To take a look at our lives and want a little more, crave more happiness, more adventures. That’s where I am and I am okay with being called selfish if it means trying to just be me for a little while.
It hurts obviously but it doesn’t mean that I don’t care or that I ever stopped. People walk into our lives everyday, some stay and some don’t. Isn’t that the beauty of life? The diversity of people you meet throughout your life that touched your heart, made you smile, gave you butterflies, gave a little heartbreak… it’s all beauty at some point, don’t you agree?
It can be hard, and I don’t mind that because I accept the challenge. But it shouldn’t be hard all the time. It shouldn’t be something you have to choose, you should want it all the time. And I am just not sure that I did.
I didn’t give up, I realized after some time that not everything can be fixed and not everything should be. You get to a point where you try so hard that it only hurts the more you go on and mend a broken bridge you don’t have the pieces for. I have to walk away for me... not because I am giving up but because I can’t take any more unhappiness. When the bad outweighs the good… what's the point anymore? Doesn’t seem like there is one anymore. What? Because we are comfortable and have been together for a little bit? It’s just not enough anymore.
Forgive me for the heartbreak that I provided you. Forgive me for the acts of selfishness I have shown. Forgive me for the love that might not have been enough. And forgive me for growing tired of trying to mend a broken fence that just cannot be fixed. But whatever you choose to forgive me for, forgive me for leaving our story that just didn’t make me fully happy in the end.
I love you, you love me more, I loved you first, you loved me better.
Forever in my heart, I am sorry.