If You Want Closure After a Breakup: 6 Things You Need to Know

"We finally find that shutting down is something we do." ~ David Deida

When my last relationship ended, I didn't really understand why. After eight years of being together and still feeling romantic, my partner left saying he didn’t feel able to commit.

He didn't want to work on it in a relationship because he knew nothing would change him. So, I had no choice but to let it go and do all I could to get myself out of deep sorrow, strengthened by great confusion.

Now, more than a year later, I can't give you a specific reason why we broke up. I'm still thinking about separation and it can sometimes bring feelings, even now.

But these days, instead of this burning need to understand and make sense of it, I become more and more curious when I think of the reasons we ended up. I think this could be an unattainable situation we call "closure."

This shows that it led me to explore what closure means: why we fight for it and why it sounds hopeless when we think we can’t achieve it. Do we really have it and where does it come from?

What is Closure?

When we say we want “closure” at the end of a relationship, what do we really want?

I’ve found that when people talk to me about needing closure, what they usually say is that they want answers and understand why things ended the way they ended up.

Depressed people often believe that they will get the closure they so desperately want, if only they could understand why. They hope that this information will help them to stop thinking too much and to relieve their hurt feelings.

I too believed this, but the painful experience of my past divorce taught me that it does not work that way. The closure must come from within because if you look to your ex or elsewhere to find it, you will be left frustrated and helpless and will prolong your treatment process.

So, let's look at some facts about closure that explain why it should be an internal function:

1. Your ex's answers will lead to more questions.

During my separation, my ex and I had a few conversations that involved me doing a lot of asking why, but I didn't get many answers. He could not really explain; he told me, “It's not you, it's me,” and if someone gives you that as their reason, you have nowhere to go.

For someone to leave it you probably feel it is the best way to end it. But for the rest of us, it is not deeply satisfying, and our natural tendency is to ask by asking more questions: "What is wrong?" "Can I help you with anything you're dealing with?" "Can we fix it somehow?" "Can we at least work on it?"

It is important to know that if we are still in love, there is nothing they can say that will give us closure. The answers will never feel complete, it will only lead to more questions and more anticipation.

2. "One last meeting" increases the pain.

If there is still communication after the separation try to ask for one last face-to-face, to help you understand and get the closure you want. But for all of the above reasons, this will not help.

Meeting often is an excuse for communication because the ending feels very painful in the end. Sometimes there is a veiled hope that by seeing them in "one last word" they may reconsider or have doubts about leaving.

No one has ever made a mistake in seeking a closure in this way, but before you decide to reunite, check if you hope to reconcile. Think about how your pain can be felt if you don't get it.

3. Your closure cannot come from their reality.

You can’t trust the words of someone who broke your heart to shut you down. Not because they are deliberately unfaithful (except in certain cases where they are), but because there is absolutely no single truth during the separation.

The answers you get from your ex can bring you understanding or peace at first. But if you rely on them for your closure, and then the facts shift, they can set you back and bring you even more pain.

I allowed myself to feel deeply reassured by my ex’s statement that he left because he needed to be alone. So, when she told me two months later that she was having an affair again, it left me feeling sad because I had allowed my peace of mind to come from her words and not from my treatment. I believed "It's not you, it's me," and then I felt a fist in my gut that it was really me.

However, as I began to go through the process of treatment, my growth allowed me to change my view of the meaning I had given in this revelation. I’ve learned to rewrite the deep feelings of rejection of my own creative, more empowering, understanding why we ended up.

You can’t stick to confirmation from someone else’s truth or their meanings, because they won’t have a lasting meaning for you. Your closure will only have a solid foundation if it arises from your reality.

4. Progress should be unconditional.

You empower yourself when you believe you can only be shut down by your ex-partner. In doing so, he effectively allows them to say whether it is right to continue living.

If you need to apologize, change your behavior, explain, empathize, forgive, or anything else from them before moving on, what happens if those things do not come? Are you okay with spending years waiting for someone else to fix your pain?

No matter what your ex-partner tells you or holds you back, they still do it back then, no matter what their current situation or how they behave in the future, does not match your response to any of these things.

Your ability to find closure is unconditionally controlled, and it becomes much easier when you stop focusing on the past.

5. Closure is not an artificial thing - what you do is important.

We have the same understanding that "time heals a broken heart."