if there’s no work, there’s no hope.

While everyone probably prefers to tell the story of how they met their lover and the beginning stages of that relationship, no one really talks about the work that is actually required to nurse that relationship. And while the term “work” has a negative connotation to the majority of us, that’s not really what it means within a stable relationship. On the contrary, it’s a requirement needed to have a healthy relationship and has to be given in equal by both parties involved.

Living that honeymoon stage at the start, especially if it’s your first relationship, probably paints a picture of how you think it’s suppose to be the entire time. And if I have to admit, I wished we could keep it that way. At the start its so easy to become consumed by the love that is starting to form. It blinds the possibility of that love not being present in that same force in the future. The amount of dopamine and adrenaline are so high, it numbs all other emotions and fears. It really does feel like life is perfect. So when there starts to be turbulence or things seem to feel a little rocky, it kind of takes you by surprise without knowing the correct way to deal with the situation. Now no two relationships are the same, so each situation has to be dealt with through both people.

No one can really be ready for these times because each moment is always different. And despite the amount of fights, arguments, lows and brokenness you’ve felt in previous relationships or moments, nothing has ever prepared you for those moments in the future. Because in the future, you assume that you will be better equipped to deal with or even avoid these moments. We want to hope for the best but sometimes during the worst, we are unable to see us as the best.

I remember thinking at some times that it would just be easier to give up and to just be single. And obviously that would just be the easier solution, it’s no ideal. It’s better to see it as an opportunity to grow the communication between you and your partner and learn what bothers who and what the other person has to offer. Relationships are nothing but a give and take process that will be ongoing for as long as you want that relationship to last.

This might be what triggers a lot of couples, the requirement of more than they actually want to give. Relationships are suppose to be a 50/50, we’ve normalized that so much, so it’s implanted in our minds. What we don’t hear much of is that at times, one of the two will fall short and bring an imbalance. It’s the responsibility of the other half to be okay with maybe giving a little more for a while until the stability is regained. So whether its 50/50 or 20/80 or even 70/30, each moment that you’re able to work through these situations together, the couple and the foundation of the relationship strengthens.

I know for me, at the beginning it caused a lot of confusion as to how much more I’m suppose to give or how much more I’m suppose to receive. The more I look back at my first relationship, there were a lot of moments where we could have ended it and probably should have ended it in order to help our mental state. I can’t put the entire blame on my boyfriend at the time either because I knew that I was not perfect. We were young. We made a lot of mistakes. But we tried our hardest to aways work things out. What we were really doing was just putting a bandaid over a deep cut. There was so much internal pain spewing out through the creeks of the piled up bandaids. We never got to the root of a lot of our turbulence, so what we saw as another mistake or mishap, was another mistake or mishap to further numb our internal hurt. Once toxicity has joined the party, it become more than just a little work. But of course, each relationship is different and each person has to know what is going over the limit for them.

I think for the both us at the time, we found a lot more comfort in staying together because it was just easy. I almost hate to say it, but it was a lot more convenient to an extent. Looking at it now, doing this only added to the hurt that I felt inside and would make the moment of separation in the future harder than it should have been. We did this more times than putting in the proper amount of work or have a further conversation of what would be the best decision to take. This is not the best way to problem solve because what it created in our mind was the belief that despite the mistake, it will always be okay. And while I’m not saying that things won’t be okay, it doesn’t rationalize that these harmful choices were made over and over again.

This was my problem. This is what I continued to do. This is what I became okay with doing.

So the more times that this continued to happen, it became very routine. We had formed an unhealthy A-B-C pattern that we would cycle our problems with and then we would go to bed and wake up the next morning like everything had been solved.I didn’t see the damage I was doing myself each time by using this problem solving method that we had created. And I wouldn’t see how much this would affect me later in life, especially with my future relationships.

The most damaging element that you can walk into a new relationship with is communication, well the lack of communication. We hear it day-in and day-out, communication is key, literally everywhere in life. Most of us start to desensitize this phrase; I started to do this in my relationship without really knowing.

Instead of sitting down and properly trying to talk through situations, we got caught in a whirlwind of avoiding “hurting” ourselves even more. I started to lose my voice and just refrained from saying how I was really feeling, despite how much anger, sadness or resentment I was actually feeling. And of course, I can only talk to through my point of view and how I felt.

The more time that progressed, it seemed as though I was never heard or that my opinion didn’t matter, or that my wants and needs weren’t as important. I’m not placing the blame on him or fault him of my insecurities, but if I’m being honest, the lack of communication we had in our relationship would create heavy doubt and insecurities in my head that wouldn’t present themselves until years later. All I knew is that I was fucking lost without our relationship, and even within me.

We tried to make steps in the right direction but each time we did, we ended up taking more steps backwards than frontward. We weren’t invested enough to put in the proper work needed to make things work and to push ourselves forward together as a couple. Relationships cannot survive this way.

They don’t work.

Our relationship didn’t work.