If only

“If only I hadn’t stubborn before.”

Maybe I can get better job right now

“If only I hadn’t selfish before.”

Maybe I can be wiser now.

“If only I hadn’t careless before”

Maybe I won’t be in debt with many loan sharks right now.

“If only”. That word always ringing in my head for almost several days. I don’t know when my life become like this. Regret what I’ve done in the past until make my condition like this. What such a dumb I am.

I’m tired of the endlessly phone call came to my number. It was from the call from debt collector to collect my debt. Before I realize my debt is reach about $10,000 while my salary is only $500 per month. The debt collectors always asked me to pay about $1000 every month.

Oh god it’s so frustating me. The terror from debt collectors is really harsh. It’s not because I don’t want to pay my debt, but it because I can’t to pay such the large amount in 1 time. I need more time to pay my debt, but time is not the thing that debt collectors have.

It started when I get married 2 years ago and my wife moved to my apartment. My wife is an impatient person. Every time she wants a stuff, I have to get the stuff at that time. I try to follow my wife will because I love her and I want to make her happy. I started with take a small loan to buy her stuff that she want and I still can pay the installment in time.

For a few months my life is fine and happy. But suddenly without me realizing, the debt is going bigger every month. I’ve come to the stage where I have to take loan to pay my previous loan.

“I’m so fucked up”

This was my biggest mistake by taking loan to pay previous loan. I keep doing this thing for months and months until I come to phase where I can’t get any more loan to pay my previous loan. I’m feeling panicked, anxious, scared, all the emotion become one.

Sometimes I really want to call someone to help me, but deep inside I know that I can’t do that. I don’t want my family or anyone else know about my condition including my wife. I’m such a big failure to my family, not like my success sister.

I worked really hard now but still I didn’t get anything in return. No bonus, no salary increases, no promotion. I’m stuck in here. I already try to find another job with higher salary, but for almost 1 years I applied for job, I still didn’t get any good result. I also try to find another side hustle with do some freelance, but still I don’t get any client.

What a cruel life I’ve been done.

I’m tired with all of this.

If only I hadn’t take loans before.

If only I have money to pay my debt.

If only there’s somebody can help me.