If I Was Still In Love

If I was still in love with her.

If I was still in love with the same girl from all those years ago. The girl who sat a table away with her overalls and oversized flannels. The girl who dyed her hair the same shade of red. The girl who I saw laugh with kids and do arts and crafts on the library floor. The girl who sat at the bar with me eating tomato soup after school that day. The girl who played ukulele and sang with a voice I wanted to listen to for the rest of my life. The girl who bravely cut off all her hair and dyed it the most beautiful shade of blue. The girl who became so confidently herself that I fell in love with her even more. The girl who was anxious, and pulled out her hair, and worried about her future, and just wanted to be loved for the person she was. The girl who would never answer a text but would sit and talk with you for hours and hours about anything and everything. The girl who would have your back no matter what.

The girl I grew up with. The girl I graduated high school with. The girl I watched shine on stage. The girl who sat on my roof with me and played music. The girl I laid with in the grass and we laughed and laughed with our friends. The girl who sat on the phone with me and told me she hoped I’d get accepted into college and we’d be closer. The girl that held my hand tight as we fell asleep together that night. The girl that never leaves my mind.

The girl that went off and start dating another girl that looked a little too much like me. And then got engaged. All those trips. Moving in together. Gemstone engagement ring. All these moments I hoped for us and watched disappear right before my eyes. With another girl.

The girl that sat with me on those same steps year after year. Catching up on our lives. Comforting and listening through bad times. Just laughing and talking and escaping for a while. Finding comfort and trust with each other like we have since we were kids.

And if in that moment, I could have held her and told her that maybe the timing was just never right. What if all those moments and bad relationships and distance apart was meant to lead us back to where we are now? And it was all meant to happen this way? All this heartache and “what ifs” happened so we would find each other again later.

And if I was still in love with her, I’d FaceTime her. And see her changed hair, her new glasses, a new person entirely. And I’d ask, can I come over? If I was still in love, I’d imagine a cozy little apartment somewhere far away from where we grew up filled with books and instruments and pictures and house plants and a floor covered in cat hair. If I was still in love, I’d see us taking road trips, going camping, playing music together again, watching movies snuggled close on the couch. If I was still in love, I’d be in awe of these two badass women taking control of their lives, building careers, living a good life, focusing on good energy, and supporting each other like they have since day one. If I was still in love, I’d see a future with her in it. Because it’s always been her.

If I was still in love.