If I go Dutch on the Bills with My Lady, Will She go Dutch in our Relationship?

Dear Lex,

Recently I came across an IG post that said if you split the bills with your girl she will only give you so much in the relationship. Ever since I saw that, I had been thinking that she culd be talkin to someone else or planning to leave me behind my back or just that she will never give me 100% if I don't take care of everything. I don't feel like I should have to pay for everything because she lives here too. She eats too. She not cheap. Going dutch on the bills is because if I weren't here, wouldnt she be paying them alone anyway? idk if I were married, that be different

Sincerely,

RP

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Dear RP,

The funny thing is, I know exactly what post you are talking about and I too have been thinking about it ever since it was on IG. Unfortunately, for the majority of woman, I do think that the post is true. If man goes half on everything (or mostly) financially, I do believe that a woman will go half on everything else in the relationship.

For a while, I agreed with you 100% about going dutch on everything. I used to have a strong belief that until you are married, things probably should be split just because, just incase the relationship ends you don't want anyone feeling as though they were used. However, now I realize that women already bring sooooo much to the table majority of the time. Usually women come into the relationship cooking, cleaning up majority of the mess, making the house a home, taking care of the kids (if you have them), a job and more. Ofcourse a man brings a job, companionship and security but also, looking back, it was already put in our heads a long time ago that men are providers. So if you come into a relationship and only provide for your half... then a women may not give you 100%.

Unfortunately, I do think that the ideas of men being the financial provider dates back to a long time ago and regardless of what I think, women may look to men as being the primary financial providers regardless of the true relationship status for many years to come. Whether it be whenever you go on a date or have to pay the bills, majority of women will just expect you to do it all and there is really nothing that you can do about it. If you feel so strongly about it, just a recommendation would be to have this type of conversation in the beginning. It can seem kind of heavy for people who may not even be officially dating yet but it will stop all of these issues from occuring in the future of your relationship.

As far as, what should you do moving forward... I would recommend a conversation that can get the two of you on the same page. MAYBE you should even talk about what do you bring to the table for eachother (not including financials), just to make sure that the both of you are on the same page in the relationship. Sometimes women expect their man to be so financially capable because they lack other things in the relationship such as emotional maturity and availability. Either way, I think it will all be fine in the end if the two of you can come to a decent agreement about the financials. In my relationships, I usually take the whoever pays or what pays stance. We don't talk about it much; we just know that someone is going to pay and as long it is not continuously the same person then there is never an issue.

Goodluck!

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