I Wish I Could Trust You

You know what sucks about people you love hurting you? Of course the actual pain sucks, and the confrontation about it sucks, and just overall getting that much bad news sucks. But the worst part, I think, is the aftermath.

And I'm not talking about the aftermath where you hate the person forever, and cut them off. I'm not talking about that. That's easy, or at the very least, easier. You block the person out, cut them off, and shut the door on that portion of your life. Yes, you'll remember them, but it turns into a distant memory instead of something present and in your face. And, you can be certain that they won't hurt you again. They're not a part of your life anymore, so how could they?

No, the aftermath I'm talking about is when you forgive. When someone hurts you, and you have the whole blow up; you have the confrontation, and then you have the apology. And, after the apology, you have the forgiving. You forgive the person, you make amends, there's a trial period where things are rocky, but ultimately, you guys end up "cool." In some cases, you even manage to still be friends. You remain in each others' lives, communicate regularly, manage to hang out.

The problem there is that despite the forgiveness, despite being "cool," and despite still being friends, things will NEVER go back to the way they were.

They might get close, but never exactly the same. Why?

Because of a little thing called trust.

Forgive all you want, but you'll never forget when someone breaks your trust. That's a permanent mark on your relationship with that person. There's always going to be that little reminder in the back of your mind of the time that this person let you down, stabbed you in the back, and hurt you. And because of that, things can never be the same.

And you won't notice how much this sucks until a very specific moment. You don't notice until that moment where something else happens in your life to cause you pain. Something else hurts you, and you find yourself needing someone to confide in. You find yourself needing someone. And in that first moment of needing someone, the first thought is to go to that person.

You can't help it honestly; it's a force of habit, because in the past you used to always go to them. In the past, you always went to them for comfort and safety. You went to them to vent and cry, and let it all out. You showed them your pain, and let them help you heal.

And it sucks because you realize in the moment that, now, you can't.

You just can't anymore. You want to go to them on instinct, but you can't because you don't trust them anymore. They burned the bridge, and there's no way back over. As much as you used to be able to rely on them, you just can't do it this time. They're too different to you. They're not the same person. They used to be someone who would never hurt you, someone you could bear your soul to and feel safe. But now? Now, they're one of the people who DID hurt you. They're one of the people who you let in, and in response, they used the proximity to stab you. How could you possibly look for comfort there now?

Honestly, that realization is infuriating. Not because you re-live the incident with that person, but because you start wishing for things you can't change. You wish they'd never messed up. You wish you could turn back the clock to before you could no longer trust them. You wish you could automatically just start trusting them again, just so you have that comforting place back.

But life isn't a fairytale, and not all wishes come true.

Yeah, that really sucks.