I Will Always Be My Own Priority

Typical "almost" relationship. We met at one of the places I have worked at. We maintained a professional relationship at work and a better friendship on a personal level.

At the beginning of our friendship, we talked a few times every day for months and months. We got to know each other in so many ways I did not imagine. We went on cutesy little after work "din dins" at Taco Bell and sat in his car and talked. We connected genuinely and I was holding myself back from falling in love with this person because he was attached or was seeing someone.

I knew all of this yet I held on, because I couldn’t deny the sexual tension was there and I knew he cared; he still does. It hasn't always been a walk in the park for us, but I believed we could at least give this a shot.

The first lesson I learned was to address the elephant in the room and deal with it right away to avoid hurting myself. I asked for facts about his relationships. He answered with clarifications to reassure me. He owed me the truth to have the option of letting all this go. I braved through it and did not want to lose my friendship that meant a lot to me.

We still talked on a daily basis as his way of tabs on me. A little over a year later, every person had their doubts about us and what was really going on. Their hunches were right, and we kept it private; away from people's eyes. We had each other's back at work. He professionally helped me grow and vice versa. I was his secret sidekick and it was always like that and it worked just fine that way.

I learned that even if we complemented each other; I triumphed on my own challenges because his presence in my life did not hinder my already set path and goals. His existence did not require me to modify and add; he was easily inserted and removed in my life with no attachments. Our relationship always felt like an optional one that you can live without. I assured myself through this that I would be fine without him in my life and I lived by this rule to myself so letting go would be easier when the time came to do so.

Throughout the years of knowing each other, we had many disagreements where we would stop talking to each other and a month or weeks later we would pick up from where we left off like nothing happened. Held on tighter than we ever did.

...But we ended things abruptly; it wasn't healthy for my mental health. I chose my overall health and dreams in the name of self-love. I chose myself over my own security blanket. I wanted to see the world within my own terms and tick off the boxes on my bucket-list. I did not want to have to wonder or be given reassurance

I was and will never be an easy person to love and please. I have been used to dealing with my problems on my own. I do not like to partake in charades and wait for others' helping hand. I refuse to not be a priority in a relationship. I am a partner not the other half; we should be two individuals working as a team aiming to reach our goals together.

Why are you thanking him? You may ask, I thank him for teaching me that I am priority no matter what the circumstances. That I respect is due by communicating. He taught me to never be unheard, he taught me that I deserved someone who would listen to me and do something about my concerns and not let go in and out the other. I thank him for teaching me that I love I give should be reciprocated and reassurance is important. He showed how important it is to ensure the other person of their intentions whether it be for fun or what you both share is serious.

My mistake was trusting a man who never showed me what his intentions were with me.