Humans logo

I Was Triggered Today

Learning how to heal childhood trauma and develop self-worth

By B. NoellePublished 4 years ago 4 min read
1
Photo by S&B Vonlanthen

It was a simple Sunday morning, nothing special. Except that I slept in later than usual and didn’t emerge from my bedroom right away. Instead, I lay there relaxing and meditating while massaging my muscles for an hour.

When I finally opened my door it was around 9:30am. I knew that my father was going to say something judgmental, as per usual — I had mentally prepared for it.

Except this time I was going to stand up for myself. I was going to let him know that it bothered me when he made sideways comments about my lifestyle choices.

It has been an ongoing issue with my dad since I was a child. Me never feeling good enough and always trying to garner his approval. But never succeeding fully.

My Dad

My father grew up in a third world country, the middle child of seven. He didn’t get a lot of attention and preferred to slip through the cracks. Independent by nature, he didn’t talk a lot and was wont to wander off by himself.

He had always been this way, apparently. Something I didn’t learn until my 20s when my uncle relayed a story of how my father managed to communicate his indifference and independence through gestures alone.

I imagine it would be hard to be the middle child of such a large family. Especially when your mother is sick and doesn’t have the time or energy to take care of her seven children.

For this I have been sympathetic and understanding of my dad’s lack of ability to emote or discuss feelings. But today when we faced off and I tried to communicate to what felt like a wall, I was reminded of all the pain from childhood. Of never feeling good enough or loved.

So I called two of my friends — actually four, but only two picked up — and I cried nonstop on the phone with them. I can’t remember the last time I cried that hard. Reminiscent of my childhood, for sure. And that’s how I knew I was dealing with the trauma of an old story.

Acceptance

After hanging up the phone with both my friends, I was still hysterically crying. They basically both told me the answer to my problems was one little word: acceptance.

I was supposed to accept the way my father is and not try to change him. Instead of having expectations, I was to have compassion.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. I appreciate what he sacrificed and how he worked to take care of his family. However, as a little girl, never hearing the words “I love you” can cause that little girl to grow up with boy problems.

And boy did I have my share of problems. Still do, if I’m to be honest.

But it wasn’t until tonight that I realized that until I accept my relationship with my dad and heal my childhood and learn to provide that approval and love for myself I will never be able to have a healthy relationship.

If I can’t approve of myself and truly know my own value and worth, I will always be searching outside of myself for someone to tell me that I matter. And that person will never be enough either. Because no matter what they will tell me, I won’t believe it.

Healing My Past

It is through healing my past that I will be able to heal my future. Once I can make peace with how I was raised then I can move forward in life with a new perspective.

My belief system will be changed, and therefore, my actions will change. I will no longer need to break up with my boyfriends any time we have an argument. I won’t make them fight for us or need them to try to win me back for me to know they love me.

When I can understand that my dad did and does love me, then I will be able to accept that all these boyfriends of mine who told me they loved me, were actually telling the truth. And hopefully the next one, I’ll believe too.

It’s a long journey and today it was incredibly painful. I was transported back to being that little girl crying in her closet, writing poetry because she thought her daddy didn’t love her.

Now that I have the awareness that I have been carrying this pain and this shame around with me my whole life, I have the opportunity to change. I get to make new choices.

There will always be that sad little girl who doesn’t realize that her daddy loves her. But now, there’s also that grown up woman who can hold that little girl and sing her a song of beauty, validating that she is, indeed, worthy.

love
1

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.