I Was In Love With a Gay Man, and I Didn't Know

I met Clint when I was a junior in high school and he was a freshman. I’ve always had a thing for younger guys, apparently. We were both in band; he played saxophone, I played clarinet. When we met, he was dating a girl named Beverly, but that didn’t last long.

We were attracted to one another from the start.

This one time, at band camp

The iconic movie series, American Pie, made jokes about band camp, but they’re fairly accurate. It’s a pretty wild place. The band geeks may seem innocent, but trust me, they aren’t.

When you put a bunch of sexually repressed teenagers in a situation where they’re not well supervised, they’re going to do dirty things.

Clint and I spent a lot of time together during camp and we ended up sleeping together. Unlike most band camp hook-ups, our relationship blossomed instead of petering out after camp. By the time school started, we were happily in love and going steady.

Young love

Though we were both young, we knew we loved one another. We spent every waking hour together, whether we were in school or at home. Late night phone calls were normal. Weekends spent at each other’s homes were common. Granted, we were watched like hawks (at least, our parents thought they were watching us pretty well) but we were still allowed to spend a lot of time together.

Clint wasn’t my first boyfriend, but he was the first boyfriend I had who genuinely seemed to want to spend a lot of time with me. Between classes, we would pass notes in a spiral binder we shared. We both loved to color and would purchase coloring books to share as well.

It was my first taste of what a loving relationship was supposed to be.

That’s the way love goes

When Janet Jackson’s album janet was released, Clint bought a copy immediately. Both of us were music geeks and listened to a wide variety of music constantly. The janet album along with Prince’s The Hits 2 were the soundtracks of our relationship.

We did all matter of dirty things to one another to the beats of Gett Off, Sexy MF, Purple Rain, That’s the Way Love Goes, and more. Both CD’s were well used, just like our bodies.

Clint wasn’t my first when it came to sex, but he was the first to show me what it meant to be fully embraced for who I was. He loved my body, curves, flaws, and all and showed me each time we were together.

Come undone

Clint and I shared everything, including a best friend. Andy was openly gay and flirted with everyone that moved. Men and women. He didn’t date, we did live in a southern baptist town after all, but that didn’t stop him from letting everyone know he was available.

Andy was the only openly gay man in our school. Surprisingly, considering it was the early 90s and where we lived, he never caught hell for it. I think it was because he had an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude about it all.

Unbeknownst to me, that attitude extended to sleeping with anyone willing, including my boyfriend.

Looking back, there were signs, but at the time, I couldn’t see them. I was naive to a point, but not so much I wouldn’t have noticed if I was being mistreated. I never was. Clint was always respectful and loving to me. Our sex life was phenomenal. I never felt neglected. We both had a high sex drive and were on each other like rabbits constantly.

He and Andy were close, but it didn’t seem strange to me.

When our relationship ended, it wasn’t because he left me for a man. Our parents actually ended our relationship for reasons I still can’t discuss openly to this day. But it had nothing to do with our feelings for one another.

Coming out

Clint never came out while we were still in school. I didn’t find out until years later that he was gay. It was well into adulthood before I learned of his affair with Andy.

I was in my 20s and hanging out at the only gay club around. Andy was there, it was the first time I’d seen him in close to 10 years. We were catching up and taking shots together when he decided to come clean.

He broke down.

He apologized for sleeping with my boyfriend while we were together. He told me every guy he was with while we were in school, some names truly shocked me.

No regrets

I made the mistake of telling my first husband this story. He found it amusing to tell me I turned a man gay. Obviously, that’s not possible.

I have no regrets about my relationship with Clint. It never feels good to learn you’ve been cheated on, but I still can’t be mad. He treated me with the love and respect I’ve often missed in relationships since.

My husband now treats me the way Clint treated me then. I can never regret being shown that’s the way love goes, so I knew how to accept it once it came into my life again.