I was Dumped Twice

Have you ever taken back an ex who broke your heart?

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I did the exact same thing. I was first dumped by the ‘love of my life’ in May of 2017 and then six months later he wanted me back. I took him back like a fool in love and a year and a half later I was dumped again in May of 2019. Is May a cursed month or is it me?

But in all honesty I have no regrets, my life would be so different if things didn’t happen the way they did. I don’t know if it would be better, but I do know that it would definitely be different.

I learned quite a few lessons along the way, which I genuinely am grateful for. The first couple of months after the breakup I didn’t feel that way, but now I choose to look at the situation as a great life lesson. Being broken up with can really teach you some things about yourself.

Now I know how important it is acknowledge the signs that something isn’t right and to walk away from something that just isn’t working. It can be hard to recover from heartbreak, but it’s harder to recover from something that ruins your mental health.

My ex and I had a very immature relationship. We tried to make it work but it just wasn't meant to be. We ignored every red flag because we were so into each other. So I was very shattered when it ended for the second time around. What made it worse was that he was relieved it was over which cut me deep, but now I understand why it was a relief. I was looking at it with rose coloured glasses, and he could clearly see the reality of our situation. We both weren’t happy or compatible and it had to end. And when it did end a weight lifted for both of us.

Now I can safely say I have moved on and happier than I’ve ever been. After a few months of no contact, I was able to bring myself to a good place emotionally.

But what’s hard to let go of is the closeness we had, the comfortable feeling I had with him. I hear people talk about how fun it is at the beginning of a relationship, the new exciting feelings with butterflies and awkwardness. I have never found that appealing. I prefer when I am so comfortable with the person that I can be myself, I don’t like pretending I’m something I’m not and that is usually how it is at the start of a relationship. You tend to hold back a lot of yourself.

The fear of starting with someone new, especially for people with anxiety, is so intense. You crave for past lovers, you wish for simpler times, you worry that you aren’t good enough for this new person. You don’t want to show them your true colours because rejection is painful, so hiding feels safer.

If you experience any of these feelings it shows that you might not be ready to date and that’s okay. Sometimes being single can be more rewarding rather than ending up in another dead-end relationship.

Dating Too Soon After a Breakup

It’s normal for people to seek out someone to replace their ex soon after a breakup. No one wants to sit around grieving the relationship while the other person is out having fun. Unfortunately, there is no set amount of time it takes to get over a breakup, so being self-aware of your feelings before stepping back into the dating world will help steer you in the right direction.

If you still haven’t moved on from your ex dating can be triggering. You might meet someone new, grow a crush and then all of sudden they do something small that makes you miss your ex. It could be something as simple as a weird kiss, a seemingly rude comment, or even bad sexual experience. That is why moving past the anger and sadness is important before stepping back into the dating world.

It can be tempting to find someone new to start dating after a breakup, but should you do that? Or is it better to wait?

There isn’t a set time when it’s okay to date again, it all depends on you and your emotional state.

What it Means to Miss Them

At the beginning of the breakup, I didn’t want to admit to myself that I missed my ex, I didn’t even want to admit it to him. I thought that because I was missing him that meant I needed him back in my life, but now I know that isn’t true.

Missing them does not mean you need them back in your life. Missing them simply means you were used to having their presence around. You miss who you were when they were around. You miss the way they made you feel about life, about yourself. The memories are usually romanticized, you’ll remember bits an pieces that might have felt good at the time. Looking back it might feel nostalgic, but in reality, things weren’t all that great — at least not for me.

Sometimes we focus too much on one happy memory and forget the awful parts of the past. Reality needs to be present when you miss an ex, it’s there to remind you that your mind might be playing tricks on you.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t miss your ex or that it’s a bad thing. It’s actually totally normal to miss someone but don’t let those feelings make you believe that the relationship needs to be brought back from the dead. Hold the memories close and remember what it taught you about yourself and love.

Signs You’re Over Your Ex

Breakups can be ugly, mutual, relieving and everything in between. When relationships come to an end it can be painful, sometimes with the pain comes freedom or a sense of peace. It can bring on feelings of rejection, anger, guilt. There are so many emotions that people can feel because of a breakup. But what about when you’re over it all? What are some of the signs you’ve moved on?

• Your heart doesn’t sink to your stomach when you hear their name.
• Having a conversation with them bores you.
• Seeing them doesn’t give you butterflies.
• You don’t feel the desire to hang out with them.
• You just don’t miss them anymore.
• You don’t want their friendship.
• Knowing they’re dating someone else doesn’t hurt your feelings.
• You don’t fantasize about them begging for you back.
• You don’t social media stalk them.
• There might be weeks or months where you barely think about them.

The good news is if you can only relate to a few of these it means you are definitely on the right track. You’re healing, you’re moving on and you’re no longer letting it affect you.

Originally posted on Medium