I Want Her, But I'm Terrible at Talking About My Feelings
Perhaps you'd care
Before I begin, I have to confess, I've never in my life written about stuff this personal. It feels weird, scary, exciting, all in one sentiment. To give you a brief background... I've been through most of the general "phases" one has romantically, all but one.
Been rejected, been in longer relationships, been in short ones, been a fuckboy, been lonely, but I don't think I've ever been in love.
It may sound silly, perhaps it is, but despite the "relationships" I had, I would never feel safe, secure or anything like that in my partner's arms. Nor would I feel like time passes by too fast with them. Not to mention that I never really had feelings of sorrow after a breakup, life just kind of went on, nothing unusual...
Most people describe me as the staple Gemini man, although I do not believe in that stuff at all, but I'm afraid she might. One thing in particular which does not apply from the basic characteristics of Gemini, is the passion for lying. I don't lie, it makes me feel terrible.
Although I do take care of myself, which has gotten me quite some success in my love-life, I cannot really talk about my feelings, I never do. Sure, every once in a while I will engage in a conversation surrounding that, if I'm with the right person, but never in terms of what feelings I might have for someone.
After a fuckboy phase I had a few years ago, I moved away from the dating scene, simply because I found no joy in it anymore, and when it came to serious stuff, like commitments and relationships, I immediately knew I wouldn't want that.
Then she came along.
Personally, I think that all of my previous lovers were generally considered to be beautiful. I had some high standards, so as narcissistic as it may sound, beauty would not be as relevant, because I've always been around beautiful women, and I came to realize that I need more than that.
Don't get me wrong, she is stunning, but that wouldn't really mean much for me. However, she has something.
An aura of purity, childlike shine, something which makes me want to hold her close, and not let go. I've never previously encountered that, and as you can see, I'm struggling to to explain it.
And here's what happened
Without going into too much detail, we've never actually had something. We'd talk and hangout, then things would go quiet. A few days ago, however, we went for lunch, and things escalated rather quickly.
The next day we went on "another date", if I can call it that, I don't know. I walked her home and hugged her, and something clicked. It was weird, I just did not feel like letting go. Warmth, despite the outside cold, safety, despite being out in the night, something I cannot really explain.
And then the next day I go over to her place, we spend the evening together, with great conversations and overall time. Before leaving, I knew I would not forgive me for simply saying goodnight and leaving, without trying to kiss her.
As soon as I wanted to pull her close, my heartbeat exploded. I could almost tell that she felt it as she got close, and I could barely keep myself together. Stuff like that has never really happened to me before, and I was probably the happiest man alive as soon as our lips touched.
The following minute, I felt how a lot of tension just left the room, on my side at least. I could finally pull her close and hug her, knowing that it was alright. One would assume everything is going great now, right?
Well, I don't know.
Why I Wrote This in the First-Place
These are all things which would make me freeze if I had to say them out loud, even to a friend, let alone her. It may sound childish, or it actually is, but that's who I am I guess. It's not a fear of rejection, nor of appearing as too into her or something. It's basically an irrational prison of my own mind, which I can only escape through writing.
We haven't seen each other since, and we won't do so for at least one more week. We also didn't have like a talk on the subject, things just kind of went on, but I didn't. Discussing things like that over text feels wrong, but discussing them in person is near impossible for me. I wish it wasn't like that, and that I could tell her right now, but what I feel for her has left completely empty of ration.
Despite how fast things moved, I want her, this I know. I want to know that she is mine, and that the next time I see this woman I can just grab her by the waist and kiss her again. And it's weird, I've never had this feeling before, honestly never. As a rather calculated person, the idea of being so drawn towards someone after such little time sounds dumb, but I guess I'm only playing myself by thinking this.
Anyhow, I don't even know if I'll submit this piece for publishing, or if I'll simply delete it after it's finished. This was just me writing about everything I could never speak, to escape my mind a little.
And if by any chance she gets to read this, know that I probably won't have a clue of what to tell you afterwards...