I Took the Advice of An Online Dating Coach & Tried The Lean Back Technique

Every single day, without fail, he called me.

Was this really working?

It looked like it was, and I was giddy with excitement.

A few months after my tragic, albeit life-changing, breakup, I was back in the dating game. I had spent the last few months grieving, moving on, and learning. I was ready to erase all traces of my ex and find someone solid. I had spent hours poring through YouTube videos of how to be the kind of woman who not only gets the man to chase her but also wants to give the elusive C-word.

My YouTube playlist comprised various impressive titles.

“Make any man miss you after a breakup.”

“If he’s not ready for a committed relationship or making you a priority, do these five things.”

“Get him to chase you and marry you even if breadcrumbing.”

“Get him addicted to you using feminine energy.”

“The secret why he chases, pursues, claims, and feels wild for you.”

Okay, you get the gist. I am not proud of my YouTube search history.

In my defense, it was my wounded ego searching for an answer after my breakup that left me in shambles. My heart wanted him back while my brain called me stupid. I was looking up every way to make him miss me and bring him back. In retrospect, I didn’t even want him back. I just wanted to feel desired and wanted.

Fast forward three months after screaming at my cheating, lying ex-boyfriend, a new guy made his entry into my life.

He was witty, funny, good-looking, and we had a lot in common. And the best part was he wasn’t looking for a casual relationship. He was ready to settle down and was looking for his potential life partner.

Yup, that would be me.

Or at least I thought so at the time.

We spent hours talking to each other late into the night, our conversations ranging from our embarrassing moments to the possibility of parallel universes.

I was falling for him. Hard.

Press pause.

Are you stupid? Falling for a guy just months after the other one left you for someone else?

Apparently, I was. It didn’t matter that I had been for just three months or that I barely knew the guy. I was falling, and I needed my brain to do something about it.

It was time to implement the lessons I learned from the YouTube school of relationships and test them out on the field. I would use my feminine energy and get him addicted to me. Hopefully.

Considering I didn't want my ex-boyfriend back anymore (pftt, old news), I focused on what the YouTube gurus told me about attracting a guy. One common theme that arose among multiple channels (yes, I watched too many of them) was the lean-back technique.

Dating coaches explain this as something a woman can do at any point in the relationship to make the man come to her. You lean back and stand still, meaning you don't go chasing the man. Instead, you make him come to you. Like a moth to the flame. Sounds simple enough.

Here is the idea around it: we all have masculine and feminine energies within us. Masculine energy is all about doing, whereas feminine is all about receiving.

When a woman is chasing a man, she is in her masculine energy. She is giving or leaning forward.

Now, you don't have to blow up his phone to be chasing a man. Subtle things like checking his social media, dropping a casual text when you haven’t heard from him for a few hours, or waiting desperately for a call or text back. It’s more about the energy you give off. I know we have all been the crazy social media stalker at some point.

Leaning back is supposed to allow the natural attraction that a man has for a woman to increase. Yup, I’ll have some of that.

Dating coach Helena Hart says, “Leaning forward and chasing a man (even in very subtle ways) will push him away on a deep, subconscious level.”

What you want to do instead is the OPPOSITE of “go after” him — you want to lean back and inspire him to pursue YOU.

Masculine energy is naturally drawn to feminine energy. The feminine just has to be open and receive, creating the space for the man to come to her.

I confess I was in my masculine energy a lot in my last relationship. Maybe I chased him away. We’ll never know.

I decided I wanted to test this theory out with my new beau. If this would get him to pursue me, I’d definitely give it a try. I did whatever my gurus asked me to.

I stopped myself from pursuing him.

I didn’t double text.

I gave him space to come to me.

I made sure I showed him the right amount of interest.

I never made it look like I was falling for him.

I took my focus off him completely.

I focused on myself and the things going on in my life instead.

When we communicated I was all in, and other times, I would mind my own business. I was very clear about how I felt about him, but I wasn’t doing any chasing. I was the definition of cool.

Did it work? In the short term, yes.

He would always text me first thing in the morning. I would get a call every night without fail. There were consistent actions, and he made his intentions clear. He talked about marriage and our future. He introduced me to his friends and flew fours hours to meet me for our first date.

But it didn’t work out for various reasons. We realized we wanted different things in life and came to a mutual understanding.

Now, did I trick him into liking me?

Honestly, I would say yes and no.

A lot of dating coaches on the internet swear by this technique to attract or “re-attract” a man. They insist it differs from playing games. They say it’s not about looking perfect or doing all the right things.

But to me, this felt like a game.

I was doing something that didn’t come easily to me. And I was doing all the right things as advised by these gurus. I held back my feelings to project this image of a cool woman who just sits there and men pursue her. Someone who effortlessly drew all the men to her. Someone who didn’t need any validation.

But I didn’t feel like that woman.

My self-esteem had taken a significant hit a few months back when I caught my boyfriend cheating. I liked this guy, and I wanted him to like me back.

The thing I missed about this brief experiment was that being the woman who was self-assured and inspired men to want to pursue her couldn’t be achieved by giving space or refraining from double texting.

It’s a state of mind. It’s a state of being.

My feminine energy was something I had to nurture and develop in myself.

And as long as I didn’t feel like I was an amazing woman who was worth being pursued by men, anything I did in an attempt to make them would end up feeling like a game. Where I was working too hard. Not effortless.

A year after that, I met a wonderful man. Did I double text him and let him know my heart was turning into mush around him? Hell yes!

Did I focus on my own life and give him space? Also yes.

Did I lean back and let him come to me? It has happened, but not consciously. I wasn’t doing it to get him to come to me.

Did he get addicted and pursue me? It’s been three years, and he still does every day.

The secret to attracting someone is…

If you want to be the kind of woman a man chases, you need to be in your power. You need to believe wholeheartedly you are worth it. Until you are in that state of mind, anything you do or don’t to make a man pursue you will feel like a game.

One that you will always lose.