I survived a narcissistic sociopath, Part Five

I kept asking myself over and over again why would a smart, attractive vibrant woman stay in this unhealthy relationship. I kept thinking there was something wrong with me maybe I was weak maybe I was ashamed or maybe I just didn’t understand that I was a victim of a predator . Then I found an article with a simple two word heading trauma bonding. And basically trauma bonding is when you’re loyal to someone who is abusive and destructive.

I don’t think I know anyone that has seen or been part of a relationship that didn’t have an element of what was unhealthy. I realize that unhealthy Can be defined by your interpretation

I think it goes back to the basics. And that’s where the phrase “trauma bonding” comes into play. It seems like such a simple definition for something that is so painful and destructive in our lives. They say that trauma bonding usually occurs when you’re in a relationship that involves inconsistent reinforcement. This can involve a relationship with an addict, alcoholic, verbal abuse and domestic abuse. It becomes dysfunctional because we always think when things are normal everything is going to be OK. What makes trauma bonding so difficult if we hold on to the intensity, complexity and inconsistency of the promise or hope that things will be better. This is nothing but manipulation and our abusers know it because they see that we’re willing to tolerate anything thinking it’ll pay off in the end.

We are in these relationships and what is happening is right in front of us and yet we still can’t see it. If you can get to the point where you can break away and see how unhealthy the attachment is then you see the destruction that the relationship has caused. It’s almost like being with an addict. It’s like detoxing from a relationship that we just can’t stay away from. I can write this and as I write it it gets me very upset I’ve become emotional because I was just completely out of my mind and can’t believe I tolerated what I did.

Why abuser knew that I was dedicated and caring and he knew he could push the limits. I just couldn’t get it through my head that somebody was this evil and calculating and predatory and manipulative. Because his image was the complete opposite of who he truly was .

But getting back to trauma bonding.In reading the article what struck a nerve with me What is a simple sentence. “You find yourself missing them at the point of longing that is so awful that you believe it’s going to destroy you“

I was heartbroken when we were broken up. Looking back the reason why I was so heartbroken was I never got closure or understanding what was going on. I was never going to get that understanding and I was never going to get that closure therefore I kept bouncing back and forth in and out of the relationship because I thought he was going to change or wake up and realize what he had.

It’s very difficult to explain this to friends or family because their initial reaction is just get over it and move on. It’s the moving on part that we can’t do because we didn’t get the closure and the understanding and process what happened in our relationship. Because the abuser generally disappears overnight. that’s when I shifted my thinking and my pain and realized I was mourning the wrong thing. Instead of morning why I didn’t get answers I had to more that this person was dead gone or disappeared. My healing truly began when I referred to him in my mind and in my thoughts as somebody that was tragically killed. That made it easier to move on.

If any of my words can help you feel validated or get inside and or understanding into what has happened to you that will make my journey purposeful. Educate yourself and get an understanding about narcissistic abuse. If you find yourself in a dark place reach out to your physician or a suicide hotline. It is a lonely horrible feeling but it will and it does get better. I am living proof that I was slowly piecing my shattered world together.