I Survived a Narcissistic Sociopath, part 4

Ending my relationship was roller coaster ride that I didn’t want to be on.

I remember when I was a kid and when you went to the amusement park there was a sign that said “you must be this tall to ride this ride” my relationship roller coaster sign should read “you must be this stupid to ride this ride”

I knew that there was something wrong in my relationship but I didn’t want to admit it. I couldn’t believe that he was actually this manipulative and calculating therefore I was dismissive on all offenses.

Our relationship ended a few times and it was me that always went back and tried again. He was never interested in trying to make something work, he never contact me realizing how much he missed me. He never did a thing. It’s hard looking back, At all the red flags and still having hope. i’ve had many boyfriends and many break ups ensure it hurts for a short period but as time goes on you forget and move onto the next. This break up is different. The 10 times we broke up we’re always different. But it was always me trying to be rational for the irrational. I couldn’t understand why he was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of when I went to bed. I felt like I was going insane I kept thinking about him when I didn’t want to think about him. If time heals all wounds time just couldn’t go by fast enough. Not knowing exactly how screwed up this man was my attempts to reconciliate were a complete waste of time. He loved the fact that I was upset it boosted his ego and made him feel in control and powerful. My heart was broken. I felt like the walking wounded my life was gray with no color in it, I was drained and a part of me just didn’t feel like living. It was at that point that I decided to find a therapist to help me navigate through this nightmare. The relationship was real, it was my hopes my dreams and my memories that imploded. I realized that the only way to get through it was to treat it like a death. As if he went to work one day, everything was great and he was killed by a truck. as drastic and dramatic as it sounds like a death he was gone. He was truly gone and disappeared and moved on to someone else. These abusers never lose one night sleep over us. They never wake up one day realizing how much they care about us and apologize for their behavior. I couldn’t get closure, I couldn’t get answers and I couldn’t get peace. I was in for the fight of my life I had to survive being trapped in my own mind.

I realized that I had formed a pattern. I would go for weeks and not contact him and then after a few glasses of wine start texting you. This was catastrophic for me and a win-win for him. Note to self cut back on the alcohol. I hadn’t seen him for a couple of months and again during one of my Chardonnay fuel taxes I suggested we get together and try to at least be friends. Part of me knew this was impossible and the other part of me thought it could work. Needless to say The meeting was catastrophic, I happened to see a picture of a woman on the screen saver he screamed and yelled at me and stormed out of the restaurant. That encounter held me over for a couple of more months before I reached out to him again. He owed me money and was behind a couple of months. With every encounter I would slide back emotionally but with a little more strength to move forward. It was almost like weaning myself off of a drug. I had to have a little to hold me over and then a little more to hold me over. When I did text I tried to be cool; sometimes it worked.

Engaging with him is what he loved. He loved the attention and the fact that I was heartbroken. But as time went on the urge to text started to fade. I had no interest in meeting anyone the thought of that only made me sad. I thought I was never gonna find anyone to care about and I will always be thinking of him. Because I’m such an empath being in a relationship is an all or nothing thing for me. It was obvious I was not in the mindset to meet someone and if I did I was still dealing with PTSD. And yes we do have PTSD. We are victims of an individual that is nothing more than an emotional and financial terrorist.

Then one day out of the blue after not seeing him for six months I suggested we meet for a coffee. I was nervous I wasn’t sure how I was going to react and even though I live in A big city I knew one day I would run into him. Therefore I thought I would just get it over with like ripping off a Band-Aid or more like a wad of gum in my hair. Just rip it out and get it over with. We met at Starbucks and had a pleasant conversation. I showed no emotion -no, I miss you, no, I love, nothing.

For the first time in a long time the deep love started to disappear. The next day I felt terrible. Not the terrible you feel when you miss someone but the terrible you feel when you’re ashamed. I couldn’t believe I had betrayed myself, I couldn’t believe that I was so lost in love with someone who could’ve cared less about me. The feeling of disappointment stayed with me for a week. And another week after that I felt anxious and kept thinking he was going to reach out but he never did.

It seems as I had to move-on, -fall down , Move on, fall down over and over until I had had enough. I had finally had enough. There was however one thing left and that was the money he owed me. But that’s another story...