I Miss Him...

Authors Note: I miss him and I know he misses me. As I walk through our park, I think of him. The happiness we shared and the heartbreak I felt. We still love each other but we have dreams to live and it means focusing on ourselves. We don’t want to part but we live only one life and when those two lives can’t become one. It’s the scenario of ‘wrong place and time’. If you have lost the love of your life due to ‘time’ then read my pain of a story that is also my strength.

I Miss Him...

I walk through my park to clear my mind. The wind gently blows and the sun shines over my head. I sigh from the peace but also the pain. I walk to a familiar area and a tear drips down my face. Our park before the heartbreak. It has been almost a year since we parted. I still remember the pain.

The pain I felt from telling my soul and heart that ‘she couldn’t have her lover anymore’ hurts. He wanted to accomplish his dreams for himself and make a better living for kids. We both knew I wasn’t in the way because I had my own dreams to ponder over. Although that was true, I still understood why he had to deny his heart the love of his possible ‘one’. He felt I deserved better and with him focusing on himself he knew he wouldn’t have the time even if he tried. I didn’t want to be the distraction, as much as it would hurt, I want him to achieve success. Even if it means we lose touch from becoming friends.

I sit on the stone stairs of the park and wish I could have been more selfish for myself and told him ‘he treated me like a queen and he didn’t need to worry about the attention he gave me’ because I knew he would always be loyal, honest, and commutative. No other woman would ever cross his mind but me. He wasn’t a player but a kind, loving, and sensitive man that I cherished with all my heart.

I miss him and I know no matter how much of an emotionless man he tries to be, I know he misses me too. I look to the sky and remember all the good times we shared. They weren’t perfect but I loved each moment. The laughter he brought made me feel happy. He made me forget the trauma from my past. Those dark days made me depressed and being around him helped me see the light.

Before I met him, I was alone and in the dark. Each day was a struggle to be happy. During my childhood I was bullied and each day back then made me question my humanity. It took strength to be strong, knowing that I wasn’t perfect. To know no matter how hard I try people could never accept me. I learned from my mother to never be fake and love who you are. Her advice kept me strong through all the fake friends who left my side and being the outcast of the family. Although her words gave me strength, it still hurt to be alone.

The loneliness made me weak. Everyday I would walk with a hood over me because I felt like a ghost to everyone around me. No one noticed me, no one looked at me with interest unless it was to get in my pants...until I met him. Our meeting was normal, but the spark I felt that day wasn’t. We talked for a short time but that short time felt like hours. For the first time, I didn’t feel like every word coming out of my mouth was a bore because his smile never wavered.

In a world full of judgement, I felt at peace around him. As time went on we learned from each other. I learned how his life was drama filled and within his own family he was an outcast as well. I learned how he was a hardworking man when it came to his kids and would safracie his own sleep to make them happy. That one trait made me smile, it showed me how big of a heart he carries on his sleeve. Throughout all of that, he still found time for me as well. He became vulnerable around me. Losing the ‘tough’ guy exterior and becoming more open to his emotions. He opened his soul to me because he knew I would never hurt him like the others. He laid on me for support in his time of darkness and I became his light.

The warmth of his love made me weak. For the first time this weakness was not bad but good. I too was becoming vulnerable around him. My soul felt at peace and my heart felt light. He showed me love for my personality and loved me for me. There was no judgment from him and when it came to my looks he didn’t care about my fashion and how I didn’t dress like the normal girls. He didn’t care that my hair wasn’t done or that I didn’t know the latest hits. He cherished me for all that I was and all that I wasn’t. He was patient with my words when I didn’t speak a lot because I thought I was boring.

More tears drip down my face as his loving voice fills my ears from the past. “I will always love you.” he confesses. His eyes are filled with emotions no words can speak. He doesn’t cry, he stays strong as we speak our final words as a couple. I sob in his arms from doing the right thing but also from the pain. My heart doesn’t want him to leave but I can not be selfish, I have to be understanding (another reason why he loved me so). All I want for him is to be happy and for him and his kids to live the best life possible. I embraced him with love that day, to show him just how much he has changed my life…

I rise from the stairs and begin to walk on. I miss him everyday. I miss his voice. I miss his warm smile that he hated. I miss all the love I gave him when he never asked. I miss his warm hands entangled with mine. Each touch made my cold body fill with heat. I miss his shoulder to cry on when I was weak. I miss his ever talking mouth filled with inspiration and hope. I will continue to miss him as time moves on. My one, his one; our hearts will forever be entwined.

Our love will forever be unique. It was different and I wouldn’t change it for the world. He is a man who will hold a special place in my heart and a piece of my soul. I will always love him and I know we must move on from each other and continue to grow. The pain I feel will never fade but it will become my inspiration to keep going in my time of darkness. I THANK him for giving me hope in my time of loneliness. He has helped me love myself more and never question who I am as a person. Sure, there will be times where I break down and cry from being alone and for being different; but thanks to our memories, I won’t cry for long.

I walk out of the park and to my home. I want him back but there is no turning back now. I must let him live his life without me and cherish the three years we have made together. We both had our flaws but that’s what made us ‘perfect’. I take a breath and decide to text him after so many months.

“I miss you.”

Time passed and we kept in contact for a while but it soon stopped once his life got busy. I don’t even know if his number is the same or if he will text back due to the pain we both feel from our decision. I reach the door of my house getting ready to open the door to my dark life. Beep.

“I miss you too, forever and always.”

My heart beats fast as I break down from the happiness but also the pain.