I'm Still Figuring It Out

I blinked my eyes open to a bright, late afternoon July sun. The kids splashing around in the pool demonstrated to me that this season is the best one of their young lives and their mother, who sat in a neighboring poolside chair, exuded an evident relaxation from being able to lay in the sun without having to say a word for a whole five minutes. Raising a hand to cover my eyes, I felt the familiar tug of war that housed itself somewhere between my lower stomach and my heart. The sensation of it always surprised me from out of nowhere, without any tangible rhyme or reason as to why it decided to make an appearance.

At the same moment, as the wrestling commenced in my abdomen, flashes of him flew through my internal lens, and my internal sun-soaked peace staggered slightly. As I registered my heart beating a bit faster and my breath becoming more shallow, I reminded myself of the decision we mutually fell into with one another. When this happened, it was only another three days before he was on his flight to Thailand, leaving me and our past behind. As I watched him walk away, I could picture an unwritten rule somehow being etched onto our hearts declaring that this would be the last time we would ever be us, as a team, as best friends and as an example of intimate love.

To this day, I’m still not quite sure how to move on from that. It has been 2 months, 14 days, and some number of minutes that I don’t feel like trying to figure out, and I still am not sure how to fully move on from one of the worst moments I have ever felt in my life. To be faced with the choice to remain in a relationship, that yes, had its downfalls and moments that felt like poison, but also held untouchable magic that scarred me in the most painful and delicious of ways. The inside jokes we shared and the laughter that added years to my life, the silent stares that spoke a million words, and the shared love languages that let us feel like our individual needs were actually being met.

However, it wasn’t enough to dissuade us from our separate goals and the ultimatum we faced after 7 years together was the one we each had with ourselves. We tried to make plans and see how it would work, him being in Thailand and me being in Portland, Oregon. And we almost got close, once, as we calculated the flight costs and how many trips we could afford and how it would only be six or so months in between and how could it be that hard and wasn’t us being us worth it? But it wasn’t, it couldn’t be.

Sometimes the problem that arises when you create a future in your mind that is years and even decades out from where you are currently standing, is that you may begin to envision a new idea for yourself that is no longer cohesive with what made sense for what felt like an eternity, and, for as long as you can remember, is where you felt the safest. For me, it presents as the proverbial python. She is alluring and mindful and always tries to take into account what my family, friends, and society believe is best for me while she inserts nudges of what should resemble my own autonomous thoughts that reflect those opinions. My point is, she lied, or at least would contribute to this illusion.

It sounds like the first thing you should talk to your therapist about because it is the first thing you should talk to your therapist about. When I disclosed the tug of war feeling and how its impact was strong enough to leave me breathless in the cosmetics aisle at Target or send me into a sobbing, sloppy mess in my bedroom, Elise instructed me to evaluate the feeling instead of trying to get away from it.

“Identify this feeling, as it is, in this moment”, she gently instructed me as I gasped for air and violently yanked a tissue out of the box on the table in front of me.

“It hurts”, I choked out.

“I know it does, but only by acknowledging it, you’ll learn to find your own, unique way to let it know it doesn’t rule your life. You are in control of how much it can impact you and it will take getting used to, it will take time”.

I looked out the window for several moments and took deep, calculated breaths, focusing on the bird's nest that was perched delicately on the elm’s budding branches; I could spot eggs in the nest but the mother was nowhere to be found. The method worked its magic and I could feel my breathing begin to slow back down to a healthy rhythm, the constriction in my gut beginning to loosen its grip even though it was not yet all the way gone.

“Good work”, Elise said with a kind smile. I let out a sigh and nodded, turning my gaze to the framed credentials on the wall behind her desk.

“It feels like a snake is literally squeezing my organs together, rearranging them, or whatever else it could be doing. It’s like there’s something inside my body that is trapping my heart and lungs and putting them in places they shouldn’t be in. It feels like I’m malfunctioning and not at all how a human being should feel like”, I said, maintaining my staring contest with an opponent I couldn’t beat.

“But it is how human beings feel, and the humans who carry more sensitivity in their souls feel it the worst. What you’re going through is nothing short of normal and you’re still an active member of society, which can be challenging by itself. Therefore, in addition to it being normal, it is also commendable. Try to remember moments like this one the next time it starts to feel aggressive and loud. Over time, you will develop your own solid plan that will prevail and be systematically stronger than what it’s up against”.

After that first session with Elise, I climbed into my car and in a daze, drove instinctively through the city back to the one-bedroom apartment we once shared. I felt a sense of powerful validation for the first time in a long time and it was then that I made the adamant decision to process the pain and try to heal, three weeks after he left.

That same night, I started with sorting the rest of his things into neat piles, bags, boxes, whatever I had laying around that could conceal what was inside. Any remnants he had to leave behind were not of necessary value for what awaited him.

A few days later, I delivered all of it to his mother, who welcomed me with an embrace so overwhelming that it almost incited me to lose my mind in her driveway, it was so genuine. It was during this week that I met with a friend over coffee, who told me that choosing to not go with him was the biggest mistake I had ever made. I responded by serenely leaving the table, my coffee, and her confused face behind. She hasn’t reached out since.

After two weeks, I realized that it was high time I bought home furnishings that encapsulated what I was interested in surrounding myself with as opposed to our “common ground” choices that left me feeling bored and uninspired. I kept the couch, it was cozy, inviting, and had become my alternative to sleeping in our bed, which I decided needed to go.

Following another week and there was my brand new bed, complete with purple and turquoise bedding; I was sleeping in jewel tones and my soul responded to it.

As time went on, I kept up my end of the bargain with myself to show signs, any signs, of progression through this healing process. The summer announced itself when I suddenly wanted to start keeping the windows open all of the time and I used the opportunity to make my water sign happy. I started to spend lingering, lazy days at the pool, sometimes with a journal or a book and sometimes with nothing but my own thoughts just bouncing around in my head.

This was a day where I brought nothing other than myself and as the snake slithered around my intestines and weaved through my organs, I greeted her: “Hello, snake, how are you today?”. I felt her pause and note how I approached her with a reverent air, each of us respecting the boundaries now established between us. The new deal was that she wouldn’t ever go away, at least not for a long time, while I still had a wide array of past experiences to sort through. In return, while I noticed not only her presence and her introductions to new and daunting moments to reflect on, she would give me room to breathe and coherently map out what it was that I needed at that moment. It used to take upwards of an hour to come down from what felt like would be an endless spiral of panic, confusion, and hurt. With Elise’s help, it has transformed into a much kinder, although still not perfect, ten or so minutes on average and is becoming less intrusive all the time.

I swung my legs to the side of the chair and stretched my arms open wide, inviting the sun’s warmth into my chest. It felt good, doing this, all of this. I slipped on my strappy rhinestone sandals and threw the old, worn, heathered tee over myself, appreciating the softness that had seen many years. It’s the only item once belonging to him that I decided to keep. The fabric felt heavy and melancholy and also allowed me to melt into a feeling of comfort. It was enough to let me move on and still remember him.

I made my way back to the apartment, which still guarded ample flashbacks in the walls of all the nights at home we had together, the meals we made, the laundry we didn’t fold even after a week of it being freshly washed. Living there alone, while I patiently waited for the lease to be up in three months and begin my move to Portland, was definitely one of the biggest features that the snake fixated on, still being a cunning creature and preying on anything that would send my heart racing. It was challenging being in the place we became young adults together in and yet, it also radiated energy that boldly said that anything is possible and growth is invaluable.

As I took my shoes off by the door, Bella ran up to me and weaved between my legs. I scratched her favorite spot between her ears and she purred in appreciation. The sun, though still brilliant and intense, had started its descent towards the mountains and it would soon be time to make a satisfying and soulful dinner for myself. I made my way into the kitchen and opened the cabinet containing what I thought about lovingly during my stroll back. The bottle of merlot melded into my palm gracefully and I popped out the cork, which hadn’t been taken out for a couple of weeks.

The pleasant aroma of spices and berries filled the air around me and I paused to appreciate it. I turned to gaze out the living room window which presented a view of the neighboring apartment buildings with shadows of the imminent twilight settling in and raised the bottle, thanking our place, my home. I took a deep and mindful swig from the bottle, the merlot echoing the same sentiment.

It was perfect--this dream date with myself, for myself.