I'm Not the One Who Got Away

We don't speak anymore. This time, it's my choice.

We held on for so long to something that was no longer there. Something that had disappeared years before. We had no idea the hurt we were inflicting on each other by trying to have one another.

We'd become family. Normal. Like breathing. No longer excited, or curious, or spontaneous. I loved you dearly, but at some point I just loved you. I was no longer in love with you.

Loving you made it so hard to leave you. I'd be the worst version of myself in the hopes that you'd have enough one day and be the one to leave. We went on for a long time like this, before one day it worked. You walked away.

I wish I could say it hurt. I wish I could say I wanted you back. I felt horrible. Not for losing you, but for being grateful it was finally over. Glad that I no longer had to put you through anything anymore. I knew you were hurting, I knew how much you loved me. I wish I'd had the balls to be honest with you, and tell you when I knew it was over.

You completely cut me out, that was probably the hardest thing. I missed you a lot. Like I said, you were family. You knew me better than just about anyone. But I guess not enough to know that I was pushing you away in the best way I knew how.

I never lied to you, I was never unfaithful. But I stopped putting in effort. I stopped trying. For this, I am truly sorry.

It's been a few years and I know you still think of me. I hear stories and get the occasional message from you. I know you think I'm the one who got away.

For all the times I was dishonest about feelings, let me tell you this truth: I am not.

The one for you is someone marvelous. Someone who values stability and traditions. Someone who wants to settle and be happy in one place. Someone you know will raise your children with love and support. Someone who wants what you want.

I was never any of those things. And I probably never will be. I was a lesson, sure. Of how it shouldn't be.

You were a lesson for me too. You taught me so many valuable things. How priorities and actions showed a lot about someone's truths. How amazing it was to fall in love with your best friend. How I am lovable, even with all my flaws.

You also highlighted things in me that I am honestly proud of, but meant we could never work. I'm selfish. I'll admit it whole-heartedly. I care a great deal about other people, but ultimately I will do what makes me happy. I love travelling and meeting new people. I love adventure and learning new skills. I thrive when I'm in the unknown and, basically, alone. I was never happy being in the same place and although some see it as escaping reality, that is my reality; I'm a gypsy at heart and I'm proud of it.

I knew it always got to you that I was okay without you. I knew you wanted me to need you. But that is a trait I will never happily have. I don't want to need anyone, ever.

You were a wonderful boyfriend and a great man. The way you loved was intense and all consuming. It is many girls' dream. You'll find her. I promise. And she will love you fiercely.

But, I'm just not her.