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I'm just trying to figure things out as I go along...

Aren't we all?

By Jacqueline Courtney RiosPublished 3 years ago 4 min read

I'm not sure about you but I don't honestly feel like I'm the same person twice. I rarely feel like I'm ever staying still, I'm always changing, always learning things, forming new opinions. Many of them have even surprised me, where I'm pretty opened minded I also feel like I'm a bit stuck in my ways. I like a routine. I like knowing what's happening, what things are and what they're meant to do, who people are and what their relation to me is supposed to be. I can't just know you because I know you, you have to serve some sort of purpose; if I met you in the grocery store while picking out which bananas were the yellowy, that's what you're going to be for me - the banana picker outer. I don't know why. That's just the way my brain works. I can't fix it. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about myself. I mean, between not being able to physically go to work, homeschooling my special needs teenage daughter and having to sit three and a half hours through dialysis three days a week, what else am I suppose to do except write about it here for you to read?! OMG, this is probably not going to be as amazing as I really want it to be but I'll try my best. I hope you like it...

I've never been in the closet. I'm not even sure where the closet is. Or why I was even supposed to be in it. Seriously, why a closet? Is it at least a walk in, like, is it roomy? Can I change in there? Is there at least a bathroom? What kind of clothes are in there? can I keep them?! WHY IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IN A CLOSET?! Anyway... I'm bi. As much as I hate labels, that's the one I've always identified with. Lately, however, I'm beginning to wonder how true that really is. And it's got me wanting to reevaluate myself in ways I didn't even know was possible. And it's making me nervous. I'm getting too old to just be figuring myself out (again, I do this often). I don't know why I'm surprised, though, I am, after all, a bipolar Gemini star child not currently on any ADHD meds. Yeah. It's like that, yo...

While sitting around between trying to help my daughter with school, doing laundry I wasn't even aware was dirty, cooking food that's not going to get eaten and starting knitting projects that are just going to get undone, I was trying to figure out what I could possibly write about. It feels like FOREVER since I've written anything that was even remotely memorable to even myself. I clearly had nothing to go off the top of my head but this random thought kept popping up somewhere along the left side back behind my ear that maybe I could write about myself. That turned into maybe writing down my coming out story because I've never told it. Then I remembered that I've never had to tell it because I've never had to come out. I've always just been and everyone's always just known: I like boys just as much as I like girls. Then I got to thinking that that's how I thought of it first off but why not the other way around? Like, when did I know that I liked girls first? I honestly have no idea...

Now, I don't always amaze myself. Seriously. I'll be the first to admit that the coolest thing I have ever done in my almost 38 years of life is make a baby in 36 weeks and 6 days... AMAZE BALLS, PEEPS!! I grew a person! In my body!! (Yes, I understand women of all species do it all the time but not the way I did it...). The next amazing thing I did was break 23 of 26 bones in my foot causing me to spend 3 weeks in the hospital accumulating 5 surgeries to fix them but not before walking around like that for a few weeks denying that there was anything wrong. Doctors weren't even sure I was going to keep my leg but I digress... What was I saying? Oh, yeah...

So, I really don't ever amaze myself but I now have myself in a position where I'm not sure I am who I say I am. I know for damn sure that I'm not straight (the straightest thing about me is my hair and even that isn't always 100%). But am I simply just bi? I'm not even sure... There are so many labels out there of things you can be. I've researched them all for the sake of not having to go this exact long ass explanation of I'm not sure because labels are just stupid and I just, quite simply, am and that's all you need to know. How do I feel, you ask? The the biggest, brightest rainbow in a grassy, flowery field filled with butterflies and daisies and giggling children and big, fluffy bunny rabbits on a wonderfully, glorious, beautiful spring day. Get what I'm saying? I'm not even sure if any of this makes any sense...


About the Creator

Jacqueline Courtney Rios

A Type 1 Diabetic, epileptic in Stage 4 Kidney failure trying to raise an autistic teenage daughter all by herself (with a little help from her family).

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