I'm just tired

Did you know that when your biggest fears are actually feasible, there's a higher chance of them coming true?

Mine has become more and more of a reality as I've gotten older, which naturally just scares me even more. I'm terrified of dying alone. Not like physically alone, but alone in life. No family, no friends, no circle of loved ones with me in my old age.

I'm terrified of growing old without a partner. I'm terrified of losing my family to age, disease, memory loss. I'm terrified of not having any friends to grow old with.

As I grow older, I'm seeing those I care about surrender to all of those things. All while I keep having friends and partners slip through my fingers. At some point I can't help but wonder if the common denominator among all those who leave me by choice is me. And honestly, if it is me, I'm scared to death that I won't be able to find someone who sees me and actually chooses me for the long haul instead of growing tired of me not even two years into a relationship.

How can anyone expect to build a lifetime with someone if they can't even see six more months with you? How can anyone expect to build a lifetime with someone if they can't even find someone who has truly mutual feelings?

I know I have my flaws. I know everyone has their flaws. Lord knows I know that. But it always feels like I'm either the only one putting in any effort or I'm the only one willing to give more than one chance to right the wrongs that exist.

I would say all of my relationships have been long term. My shortest relationship just ended and it is a year and a half of my life gone to the wind, apparently because my depression didn't leave me with enough energy to keep up with basic tasks every single day and I guess I didn't try hard enough fast enough to fix that which led to pent up resentment against me. My longest relationship was four years and it ended because I spent three of those years trying to get on the same page as the boy who kept telling me things would change and instead of listening to his actions, I listened to his words.

Same ending, different relationship. Same situation, different roles. Same general concept, different opinions.

In one I was the chance-giver and I gave everything I could and then some until I just had nothing left to give. In the other I was given one chance to address the issues and when that change didn't happen fast enough I was given the cold shoulder until I prodded enough to receive the "I don't really feel like this is going anywhere anymore" response to the question "Where do you see this going?".

The funny thing is, and I use the term funny loosely, thinking about it now, I don't think that this relationship would have ever been successful had we tried to iron things out. Maybe it would've lasted another two or ten or twenty years, but ultimately it would have ended because one of us chose to end it. Chances are that person would have been me because some of our issues had the potential to become much more severe than a mental health disorder that just requires a little extra support from a partner.

Yet here I am, still completely distraught, plodding through life feeling completely dead inside like a god damn zombie because the person I truly thought I was going places with in life ended everything before I was ready. Shattered my entire life into a million pieces without asking me first. The life I thought I was building for myself turned out to be just another fantasy. The life I thought was mine to control suddenly lost all control to someone else.

I look back at the pictures of us and I see a happy couple, a couple that enjoys each other's company and is glad to be around one another. I look back at our last few months together and I don't see that couple anymore. I just see a girl who was finally comfortable and mostly satisfied with the life she thought she was building with someone. A girl who was hopelessly blind to the fact that her partner had completely lost interest in her before she even had a chance to notice it. A girl who had finally trusted someone enough not to be afraid of them leaving her like all the men in her life had done before.

I know this pain will go away. I know things will get better. I know, eventually, there will be someone else. But I wasn't ready to have to start over again right now. I wasn't ready to be alone again right now. I wasn't ready. And honestly, it's not fair that he let me go on thinking everything was fine because now he is fine, relieved even, and I'm the one left behind in the dust reeling while my entire world crashes around me.

I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of navigating the dating apps. I'm tired of trying to find someone who is worth my time. I'm tired of mismatched expectations. I'm tired of mismatched feelings. I'm tired of seeing everything seemingly fall together for others. I'm tired of seeing others make things work regardless of the circumstances. I'm tired of my life, I'm tired of being me. I'm just tired.