I longed to see you today.

I longed to see you today. I’d been doing so well these past few weeks, I even said to myself this morning that I can’t remember the last time that I had cried. But then suddenly, out of nowhere, the memories hit me like a brick wall tumbling atop my heart. I put the songs on that reminded me of you, and I cried alone in my room.

I longed to see you today. I got down on my knees and prayed that same prayer I say often. It was the first time I’d said it for a long time because I had been ok these past few weeks. I prayed to see you, even from a distance, I prayed for your forgiveness. I cried, and I prayed some more, down on my knees.

I longed to see you today. I saw your car twice in town, once before I felt like this and maybe that’s why I do. I looked for you, but you weren’t to be seen. Then I saw it again, but it wasn’t you driving. I thought my prayers had been answered, to see you again, even from a distance, but alas, it wasn’t you.

I longed to see you today. You were the best friend I had ever been blessed with, but I lost you. There isn’t an hour that passes that I don’t think of you, think of what happened. Sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m hurt, but every time it comes down to just missing you. Missing that sense of belonging, missing that knowledge of having support. Of having you there, no matter the time.

I longed to see you today. I don’t know how my body would react when the time comes to see you again though. I’ve been forced by life this week to be entwined with you somehow. Every. Single. Day. Maybe that’s why I feel like this? But every time, I’ve had an instant, unpredictable panic attack. I don’t understand how we let it come to this. I want to understand how we let it come to this. You were and still are one of the most important people in my life. You used to coach me through panic attacks, but now you’re somehow the cause. How did we let this happen?

I longed to see you today. Even from a distance. Even for a minute, or at least a second. I miss my friend, I miss my beaker. I had been doing so well, eating and sleeping again. But tonight, I’m up late after barely eating again. I’m anxious about the inevitable meet up we will be forced to have again in under two weeks. I don’t know how it’s going to go, how I’m going to react. I swear on my soul that I will do everything I can to make it easy on both of us, but I am so scared of everything rushing back the second I see you. The pain, the anger, the betrayal, the hurt. But also the good times, the fun times, the times we needed each other. It is such an unexplainable mix of emotions and I hate it.

I longed to see you today. I don’t know what I did to deserve your friendship, I don’t know what I did to deserve your betrayal. But I forgive you, I forgive you for all of it. I hope you can forgive me too, for we know we are both to blame for this fallout, even if I am the only one grieving. How can you just forget about me so easily? How can you sleep at night knowing how upset I am over this? This is my anger, the same questions I ask myself when I’m angry and hurt. It happens often, but yet I forgive you for it all. With my whole heart.

I longed to see you today. I have lost friends before, but due to merely drifting apart. For going in our own directions, and becoming our own persons. Do I miss them? Of course. But I can look back and smile at the memories we share. What I’ve never had is a friendship break-up. A friendship end so abruptly and painstaking so. Maybe that’s the problem, maybe I don’t know how to deal with this sudden rejection. How to move forward without the person who helped me like nobody ever has before. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because I genuinely care and worry about you. Because you are so special to me for doing what you did. You saved me, so many times. If this is truly the end of our friendship, I pray for the guidance I’ll need to get through it. I know I’m not ready to completely let go, and I know that’s not possible when you hold on to a bit of hope that, that person will come back to you one day.

I longed to see you today, because I needed you today. I needed that support, that companionship. I needed the person who was always there, when nothing mattered, when everything mattered.

I longed to see you today. It has been so long, so many weeks, since we have seen each other, since we have spoken. I have thought of everything I want to say, but none of it matters, for the only complete and utter truth is, I miss you.

I longed to see you today, but I didn’t. I know I’ll long to see you again tomorrow, and the only thing I can do is pray like I did today, that same old prayer I say often. To see you, even from a distance. Pray for your forgiveness. Down in my knees.

I longed to see you today, for if you’ve ever grieved a person who is still alive, I feel for you. It is the worst feeling in the world.