I'll Learn My Lesson

How did my plan backfire so horribly? I had her right in my hand, I could feel it. I was doing everything right, but somehow, my plan failed. Why? Let me think about what happened for a second. Maybe then, I’ll be able to figure out what went wrong. Earlier today, I decided to ask my crush, Jennifer, out for lunch this weekend… or coffee or maybe a walk in the park, I couldn’t quite decide. I talked to my friend, Malcolm, about doing this, and he thought that was a terrible idea.

“What are you even gonna say to her?” he asked. “‘Oh, hi, my name is Jeremiah. I barely know you, and you probably barely know me, but do you wanna go out?’ I mean, come on. You don’t even know what color her eyes are.”

I replied with another question, “Does that matter? It’s just eye color.”

He rolled his eyes and replied, “I know you understand what I’m saying. You don’t know each other at all. What do you expect her to say?”

I said, “Oh, please. She’ll say yes. I bet you she won’t be able to resist my rugged charm and good looks.”

He retaliated, “Dude, you do realize that looks aren’t everything to everyone, right?”

I responded, “I’m not saying they’re everything. I’m just saying they’re a starting point. I’ll walk over there, act all cool with my hair slicked back, and she’ll look at me and fall for me instantly. From there, we’ll go out, we’ll get along better than anyone else you’ve ever met, and in about a month’s time, she’ll be my girlfriend. I’m telling you, man, this plan is foolproof.”

He sighed and finally gave in. “Alright. Fine. But remember, if this doesn’t work, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He grabbed his bright red backpack, slung it across his right shoulder, and headed off to his first class of the day.

I turned around, rubbed my hands together and cracked my knuckles, looking amongst the tiled hallway and dark blue lockers to see if I could spot her. Aha! I recognized her long, blonde hair instantly. See, Malcolm? I know the color of her hair. It’s not eye color, but close enough, right? I also recognized the curly brown hair of her friend, Veronica. They were chatting next to Jennifer’s locker. This was my chance. I straightened my back, moved my fingers through my short, brown hair to make sure it was slicked back, and strode over to her as confidently as possible. Just like I told Malcolm. She won’t be able to resist the vibe I’m giving off, I’m sure of it. After about fifteen seconds, I made it to Jennifer’s locker, and as she was talking to Veronica I leaned against the lockers, left hand over my head. I waited for a pause in the conversation, then said, “Hey, Jennifer,” to get her attention.

She turned around and looked at me. “Oh,” she said, turning her head to look at Veronica and then turning it back around to look at me. I could tell by the look on her face that she definitely knew who I was. See, Malcolm? She at least recognizes me. That’s a start. “Um… hi?” she said.

“Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you something.” I put on the most confident voice I could as I said this. Veronica gathered her textbooks and bag and walked off to class.

“Um… sure,” she said, darting her eyes back and forth. “What did you want to ask?”

“Well…” On the way over, I made my decision about whether I wanted to ask her to coffee, lunch, or a walk in the park. Getting coffee is too early in the morning for me and I don’t feel like going to the park this weekend, so lunch it is. “Did you want to have lunch with me this weekend?” I asked.

“Oh. Uh… well, I’m really busy this weekend, so I can’t, and I don’t know when else I would have time…” She reached towards the floor and grabbed her backpack as she said this to me.

“Okay. Uh, how about next weekend, then?”

“I’ve got family coming over.” She started to walk away, one strap on her right shoulder.

“Well, then, when else do you want to have lunch?”

“Look, just give me some time to think about it, okay? I’ll get back to you later.”

I started getting impatient. “How much time do you need? How long do I have to wait for my answer?”

She turned around, took off her backpack, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath in and out. “Okay. You know what? I tried being nice and letting you off easy. But you obviously won’t leave me alone, so I guess I have to do this the hard way. Here’s the truth: maybe I would consider going out with you if you weren’t so narcissistic and full of yourself. However, that’s clearly not the case, so please just leave me alone.” She grabbed her backpack off the floor and stormed off. The backpack bounced up and down her shoulder to the rhythm of her stomps. I stood there quietly for a few seconds, not even sure what to say or what to do, until the bell rang and I had to head to class.

Now, I’m laying on my bed, the soft blue-cased pillow underneath my head and the heat of the sun radiating through the window in my bedroom and onto my face. I started thinking about why my plan to ask Jennifer out didn’t work. I mean, I walked correctly, I made sure my hair looked great, I acted cool and collected… she should have fallen for me as soon as I walked over there. I mean, when have I ever come up with a terrible plan? When has a plan of mine ever failed? When have I ever been wrong? Ever?

Oh, now, wait a minute. I think back to the time in fifth grade where, as a prank, I put Elmer’s Glue on the seat of Tyler, an enemy of mine. Malcolm ended up sitting in that seat instead of Tyler, so he was glued to the seat instead. How did I forget about that? And how did Malcolm never realize that was me? Probably better not to mention that to him. Then I remembered the time in seventh grade where I tried getting out of English class by telling my teacher that my mom needed me to come home. When she asked me why my mom needed me, for some reason, I couldn’t come up with a good excuse. She obviously didn't believe the poor excuse I did come up with (something about helping out with chores I didn’t do over the weekend or something stupid like that), and I had to stay. Why couldn’t I have come up with a good excuse before I asked my teacher that? I could have said that there was a family emergency or something, it could have been that simple. But I didn’t think before I acted. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the number of plans I had formulated throughout my life that either backfired or resulted in a completely different outcome than I expected. Why didn’t I see that, how did I not grasp that before?

Had I purged these memories from my mind purposefully, maybe subconsciously? Had I altered my memory somehow, convincing myself for years that these plans worked without a hitch? What did I expect from that? Did I think my classmates were gonna think I was cool? Did I expect my parents to respect me? There was no excuse I could come up with that justified me thinking I could do no wrong. Jennifer’s right. I am pretty full of myself.

There’s gotta be some way to fix this, but I have no idea where to start. This is the way I’ve been for years, and it’s gonna be hard to make such a huge change to my personality. Where do I go? What do I do? I don’t think I can make such a huge change on my own. Wait… maybe Malcolm can help. I give him a call. The phone rings twice before he picks up.

“Hey, man, what’s up?”

“Hey, uh, can I come over really quick? I need to talk to you.”

“Oh, sure, come on over. I’ll wait outside for you.”

“Sweet! Thank you. See you then,” I say as I hang up the phone.

I look around at the grassy squares in my suburb as I walk along the grey, cracked sidewalk to Malcolm’s house, which happens to be a few blocks down the road from mine. Just like he said he would, there he is, standing outside his front door, waiting for me. I walk over to him.

“So what did you wanna talk about?”

I sigh deeply. “Well… you know how you told me that asking Jennifer out wasn’t going to work, and I didn’t believe you?”

He knows that I’m going to say that she rejected me without me having to say anything else. He just doesn’t know how she rejected me, so he asks, “Alright, what happened?”

“Well… she called me narcissistic and full of myself.”

“See? I hate saying I told you so, but I told you that plan was gonna fail. But of course, as usual, you didn’t listen to me.”

“I know. And I want to apologize for that.”

He looks as me quizzically. “Woah. Jeremiah Cromwell apologizing? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before.”

“Yeah, I know. And I should have apologized way sooner and for way more than I actually have. Jennifer’s outburst got me thinking, and I realized that most of the plans I’ve made have gone… so-so at best.”

“How did you not realize that before?”

“I have no idea. But it made me realize how… cocky I am. How cocky I’ve been over the past few years. How I’ve acted so untouchable when I’m really not. I don’t want to be so cocky anymore. So I came over here to ask for advice. How can I change? How can I make myself better? Less selfish?”

He thinks for a second. “Well… “

His mom calls him from inside the house. “Malcolm, you said you were gonna finish your math homework ten minutes ago and it’s still not finished! Come inside and finish it! Now!”

“Alright, mom, hang on one second!” he yells back to her. Addressing me, he says, “I gotta go, but… if you want, whenever you and I both have time, you can come over and I can give you some tips on how to be more empathetic, more modest, more… and realize, again, I really hate saying these things because you are my friend, but you’re the one who brought this up… kind to others.”

“Trust me, no offense is taken, and I will absolutely take whatever advice you have. Maybe we could start, like, kindness therapy sessions or something like that.”

“Hey, I actually like that idea.”

“Really? You would actually do that?”

“Why not? When do you wanna start?”

“Hmm… how about tomorrow? I want time to get an idea of what I want to improve before I start asking for advice about it.”

“Good call. I’ll meet you here tomorrow after school, then. Sound good?”

“Sounds awesome!”

“Alright, then, see you tomorrow.”

“See you then.” We wave goodbye and start going our separate ways, but I realize there’s still one more thing I need to ask. “Hey, Malcolm?” I call back. He turns around as he grabs for his doorknob. “Why have you stayed my friend all these years? You know, if I’m as full of myself as everyone says I am?”

“Well… back in elementary school, I would see you in the hall every now and again, and you looked lonely. I figured you needed someone to stand by your side.” He opens the door, walks inside his house, and closes it behind him. I walk home, subtly smiling the whole way. I feel like I don’t deserve a friend kind enough to stick by me through all the things I’ve done... but thanks to Malcolm, I have one.

We conduct “kindness therapy sessions” for about three weeks. Malcolm teaches me how to feel comfortable with admitting my mistakes instead of pretending they never happened. He talks to me about not making everything about myself, how to find the appropriate times to talk about myself, and how to take other people’s thoughts into account. It takes me a bit to get my mind away from myself and onto others, but I keep working on it with him. I take his advice to practice what he teaches me every day at school. I start trying to talk to other people with my new skills It takes a bit to persuade some of them that I’m actually trying to have a conversation with them instead of just starting the conversation to talk about how great I am, but after a while, they start to realize that I actually am trying to change. More people start talking to me. Suzan, Jacob, Annabelle, Kaleb, Mark, Camille, Sean, Andrew, Alex, James, even Veronica- they all talk to me more. I have a friend group now instead of only having Malcolm by my side. It feels nice.

However, there’s one person I still have not been comfortable with talking to: Jennifer. How will she react if I try to talk to her or ask her out again? Will she be okay with it or will she not even give me the time of day? Maybe I’m starting at the wrong place. Maybe what I actually need to do is start by getting to know her first, figure out how we can start as friends.

Prom season comes around, and all of the school’s efforts are focused on this social gathering. Banners are hug all around the school with the date of the prom, and blue and pink balloons are scattered everywhere. I have to do something about the Jennifer situation soon. I decide to ask her if we can just get to know each other better. That seems like a good place to start. It takes a while for me to sort out my thoughts and figure out how I’m going to ask Jennifer about just starting off as friends, but finally, one morning, I manage to gather the courage to walk over to her locker again and talk to her.

“Hey, Jennifer,” I say, hands at my sides.

She turns around and looks at me. “Oh. Hey, Jeremiah.”

“So… listen… I’m sorry about what happened last time I tried to talk to you. My outburst was not necessary. I’m not gonna ask anything big of you this time. I just wanted to ask if we can get to know each other better. That’s all. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but I wanted to see if you would at least consider that.”

She gives me an inquisitive look. “Well, what would you want to do?”

“I don’t know. Whatever you want, I suppose. I mean, we don’t even have to go anywhere, we can just talk more at school or something if that’s what you’re comfortable with.” It was weird to hear something like this coming out of my mouth. It felt good, though.

“Well… people have been saying you’ve been getting much nicer.”

“I’ve been trying. Because you were right. I was full of myself. I was narcissistic. But I don’t want to be anymore. I’ve realized it not only hurts me, but others around me. And, frankly, it’s not like acting cocky is exactly impressing anybody.”

“Well, I appreciate you taking the time to consider that. And I am sorry if what I said was harsh.”

“Oh, don’t be. Trust me, I needed it.”

“Okay, well, how about we sit together at lunch today and just talk? How does that sound?”

“That’s absolutely fine by me.”

“Alright. Then we have a deal.” She closes her locker, locks it, grabs her floral-patterned backpack, and says “See you then” as she walks to class. I did it. I actually managed to talk to Jennifer without only focusing on myself and what I wanted. I smile, excited to see her again at lunch.

Lunch finally comes, and even though we only have half an hour to talk, we hit it off. We decide to have lunch again the next day… and the next day… and the next day… and for the next two weeks. She starts coming over to my house every once in a while. She doesn’t ever stay over, she just stops by to say hi, but frankly, that felt like enough. We don’t hang out outside of school, but at school, we talk whenever we get the chance. After three weeks of getting to know her better, I decide to go for the big question. I ask her if she wants to go to prom with me. She says yes. Who knew that all the hard work I’ve put in to change myself would pull off so well? Over these past few weeks, I’ve learned not only that I should learn to be less focused on myself, but I have also realized that no matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect. I still have aspects of myself that I need to improve, and I recognize that. But I’m okay with it. I’ve improved, I’ve worked hard to improve, and I’ve most certainly learned my lesson.