I let him go

Letting go someone is not easy and trust me it is even harder when that someone is a person you have always loved and idealized as Mr. Perfect. You must be thinking why is this girl saying letting go someone is hard, but her title says otherwise. Well, I will let you guys decide on that because sometimes you have no idea about what can make you happy.

Destiny, an idea that I never happened to believe. We are always reminded that “If something is destined to be, it will find its way to you.” I always thought this idea of something finding its way to be really absurd. After all, we really don’t have the patience to wait for things to happen on its own, do we or is it just me? But now when I reflect on the events of my life, I find myself asking “Is this what destiny seems like?” Like many girls of my age, I had also idealized someone as my Mr. perfect but that Mr. perfect wasn’t a fictional character. The Mr. Perfect I had idealized happened to be someone whom I had known since kindergarten. Of course, he was always special because I had known him since such a young age, but, I simply had no idea about my feelings. I mean we all have had those random crushes on people, don’t we?

I thought it was one of those random crushes and will fade away with time. Being a teenager who was self-conscious I never had the courage to express my feelings. I was good at hiding my emotions which I don’t recommend to anyone because it is not healthy. We were very close when we were kids. We would always share how our days went, but we drifted away as we grew up; however, that didn’t change my feelings towards him. We were still friends and would still talk but it was different, probably because we grew up.

Every time when my friends asked me what kind of person I wanted to spend my life with, I would unknowingly always end up describing him. He was someone I could trust more than myself, share my feelings without being judged. One day I got a text from him saying he needs to talk to me. He said something that I had never expected. Never expected but something I always prayed for, something I had always dreamt of. He said he likes me. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t happy. I was happy but not as much as I had always imagined I would be. I thought it was because we had known each other for so long and imagining a romantic relationship was becoming awkward. We promised to spend more time talking and trying to understand each other.

It was suddenly becoming hard for me to start a conversation with him. I believed he felt the same way as I did. I tried my best to start conversations, but his replies would make me feel unwanted. I wanted to know much more about him, how he feels about things and I wanted to share what happened in my life after high school. I wanted to share how I feel about everything and most importantly I wanted to tell him how I always felt about him. I tried but it wasn’t working because he would either not reply or just formally answer my questions. It felt like I was interviewing someone for a job interview. There was always an understanding between us but I couldn’t feel the love. All we want is to be loved, right?

The lack of love was raising several questions and assumptions on my mind. The one thing I have learned in life is to never assume things. So, to make things clear I conveyed to him about how everything is making me feel. He said he is not sure how he feels about me. I would be lying if I said that didn’t hurt me. It did hurt a lot, but what would be the point of asking someone who isn’t sure about you to stay. During that moment, I realized I need to set him free. I would be a fool to say he was trying intentionally to hurt me by saying he wasn’t sure of his feelings. No one is obliged to love you, except yourself. I told him he is not obliged to force himself to have feelings for me and I would very much dislike that. He should think about what makes him happy, his feelings, and not about me. He probably realized he doesn’t have any feelings for me, that’s at least what I concluded when he said: “I hope we can still remain friends.” I was sad for myself because I waited for 15 years for nothing. However, to my surprise, I also felt relieved and happy. Sometimes people don’t have the capacity to love us the way we need to be loved and we don’t have the capacity to love them the way they wanted to be. Letting him go made me happy, and I hope it made him happy too!!!!!