I Hope One Day We Can Meet Again

Dear SD,

Tomorrow, I’ll miss you a little more than I do today. And as the days turn into months, my mind will struggle to adapt to the absence of you, the change in my routine. But next year, along with new hopes and promises, I hope it brings you once again. If not, I wish you all the best this world could give. I’ll pray for you on the days that I don't pray for myself.

I pray the Lord provides you with the unfailing sense that everything will be okay no matter what life throws at you. I pray that when you feel as though you are falling into the chaos of your mind, you remember that you have wings, and find the courage to use them. And I pray that one day, our journeys decide that our paths cross again, and fate is in our favour.

How lucky am I to have known someone that makes saying goodbye so hard. But I needed to heal before I became a bigger part of my life. My wounds were my own liability, and I had become so comfortable learning how to heal by making it yours as well. I felt like I was sucking the energy out of your beautiful soul, because I was too scared to heal on my own.

Without you, I had become so adapted to avoiding the triggers and calling it healing. And when I met you, I let you be the pillar of support I needed. But it wasn't fair on you. I took more than I gave, like a blood sucker. So here I am, all by myself, trying to move through the pain and the pattern all by myself, so one day I’m able to give myself a different ending. And through the midst of my battle I’ll always be playing your words in my head. I’ll always be imagining what you would say to me if you were still by my side. The memories of you will be the candle that I need to walk towards a new me, even in the current unlimited state of my mind. And when the candle burns out, I hope I’ll find the strength to light myself a new one.

How I wish I could have been the one to make all your dreams come true, to turn all your pain into gold like you did for me. Unfortunately, I had assumed that by dealing with all my problems with you by my side I’d be able to skip the part where I needed to fall and break in order to rise and overcome. Fortunately, I realised this before I sucked the life out of your soul so it could feed mine.

Even if my loneliness consumes me and I begin to succumb to the darkness around me. I will always be content knowing that I didn't drag you with me. Because you are like the sun, so bright it could burn. And I would have loved to be burnt as long as you’d let me, but I fear I was putting you out. I fear I was turning your forest fire into a spark, with my waves of sorrow. I couldn't do that to you, after everything you did for me. You were the rainbow that followed the clouds, the warmth that melted my ice. You were a hundred sidewalk pennies within a human.

So before I allow myself to give into you once again I’ll need to die a little inside on my own and come back stronger every time until I’m as strong as you. And I promise, if we are given the opportunity once again, we can write a new story.

I could have started fires with what I felt for you if I had the energy to. But right now, the only fire I’m focusing on starting is the one within myself. If you ever feel lonely i just want you to remember that you are loved by many and treasured by many more. And if you’re ever alone, please remember that the sun is alone too, but it still shines. If not, I’ll always be there to catch you when you fall, and to remind you that you are nothing short of a luminary.

Thank you so much for everything you have given me. Thank you for all the strength and patience and affection. You truly were a blessing. I can't wait to meet you again, and give you everything back and so much more.

Until then,

Trisha