I had a boyfriend with a needy ex-girlfriend and what I learnt which I will use in future relationships

The relationship lasted for ten months, but I feel that the only time where I felt the happiest was in the first month and a half. After that, it was pretty much a rollercoaster where I put myself through a lot and became someone I never wanted to be, which is scary to still think about it.

My relationship started off dating my boyfriend at the time (now ex-boyfriend) for four days and then went into a long-distance relationship for six weeks (Christmas break); those were the good days. Once I got back is where the rollercoaster started. On our first date, my ex-boyfriend told me about his needy ex-girlfriend who was having a hard time getting over him. I assumed she would get over him over the Christmas break. Looking back, I understand that it might take a long time to get over a breakup. It took me a long time to get over the same person as well. Only until my ex-boyfriend and I were physically together again, that was when the neediness from this girl which I will call Sarah presented itself.

From time to time, she would call my boyfriend on the phone. I only experienced some of the phone calls they had. She would be screaming down the phone crying telling him how shit he was and how badly he treated her. I should have seen this as the first red flag because it was only the early stages of our relationship.

The next red flag I experienced was that he would go over to her house to comfort her. He was only doing this because he still wanted to be her friend. He is a caring person, so he hoped to cheer her up. At first, I was okay with that, but after about a month and nothing changing, I realised that this method made no sense. You would assume that to get over someone you would want distance from this person. So, the fact that she would ask for comfort from her ex. It clearly showed Sarah still wanted his close presence to feel as if they were still together. That’s why I assumed she always wanted him back. He knew, but still thought he needed to help her, even though I insisted that it would do more harm than good. It was making her want him more than to get over him. I presented this issue many times during the relationship, but I felt he never really heard me.

Here is the third red flag, which I felt started the damage to our relationship. I asked my ex-boyfriend to not talk to her anymore because it wasn’t helping that he kept his presence in her life. It wasn’t helping her heal. But when I found out that he had been hanging out with her two weeks later because a message from her popped up on his phone screen. I confronted him about it, and he said that what I agreed with him was never right. Some part of me should have left, but guess what, I got hooked.

My ex-boyfriend hanging out with Sarah, the phone calls between them arguing and me trying to discuss my issue with him eventually just broke me. I started to get angry when we were talking about things because I had to keep saying the same things over and over. It just felt like he wasn’t fully listening to what I was saying. I’ve never been angry or shouted in a relationship before, but he managed to push me enough. I would cry on the floor in tears, begging for him to listen to me. Although this was happening, we did have amazing times together. I’ve had some of the best memories with him. However, this issue was always over my head.

Just to state now my ex-boyfriend is Canadian and eventually moved back to Canada. After being two months apart, he decides to break up with me because he realised he couldn’t do long distance. I was hurting from the breakup, but it was more painful because of what he put me through, and I don’t think he will ever truly see the pain I developed in our relationship.

So, this is where the tips come in

After four months of trying to get him back, I finally accepted we couldn’t be together right now, maybe never. Although he hurt me, some part of me will always love him, and I’ll always pray he is safe and healthy.

With that said, I can’t let the pain loom over me for the rest of my life. That’s why I sat down and had to analyse what went wrong and what rules I need to put in place for my future relationships.

The first lesson I learned is I must protect my heart. I think this will be the hardest one for me because I must go against my instincts. To best describe myself, I am a very emotional person, I’m very fragile, and I’m very open with my feelings. I’m a person that won’t give up on a relationship until I feel I can’t do anymore, which I’ve realised does more damage emotionally. You can’t force people to stay with you. You must allow them to let go. Letting go is very hard, but this is where the second rule comes in as it will change the way you will deal with them leaving.

Furthermore, as a person who falls for someone quickly, I must find red flags while I’m dating. It’s unnatural, and some people might find it excessive. However, for some people who have been in a few bad relationships and want to experience a relationship they enjoy, then they need to be more precautious.

The second lesson is learning to self-love. I am a person that also needs to self-love more, which is a lesson that needs to be learnt every day for the rest of my life. When you learn to self- love, you don’t need to worry when someone doesn’t want to be part of your life anymore. By loving yourself, it will give you the happiness and positivity that you thought you needed by being with someone. It’s something I’ve been telling myself every day when I feel sad and miss my ex-boyfriend. I know that being alone is best for me right now. While giving into missing my ex-boyfriend is keeping myself relying on his presence to keep me happy. My happiness should come from within yourself.

The third lesson is that if your significant other is friends with any of their ex’s and are still very close, but their exes don’t want to get to know you. It’s a clear red flag. Even if your partner tries to tell you anything not to worry about, it should be 100% a concern. The reason being that their ex shouldn’t have any problem with you if they are over them. You should be aware because it can go one of two ways, this person could potentially interfere in your relationship by saying things to your S/O, or they might just dislike you from afar. If they don’t try to act negatively to get in the middle of your relationship, then you don’t need to worry about the ex. However, if it goes down the other route and they do start to meddle, I think you should reconsider the relationship if your S/O doesn’t sort it out. My ex didn’t, and he kept allowing his ex to act how she was during our relationship. He thought I was petty, but it’s not a nice feeling to have tension in your relationship. It’s hard to ignore something when it occurs every other day.

My last lesson is to take your time. I think after you first fall in love, and it ends, you might want to keep searching for that one. Now being single and going through my previous relationship. I want to take a break and ingrain what went wrong. No matter what age, we all have time. Don’t worry about the future; focus on what you need to do now because sometimes we get caught up too much in the future that we never truly feel present. When you stop searching and enjoy your life, the right person will come to you. It’s the same when you lose something. If you don’t look for it, once you look for something else, it will present itself.

I’m 22 and only till this happening to me, it made me realise I have so much time. It also made me realise that I need to do more of the things that I want to do, as well as be happy with myself and the people that I still have in my life. As I am writing this, many people and I are experience an epidemic caused by the coronavirus. We must stay at home, and we do not know how long this will go on. I know that when this epidemic is over if it ever does, I will start doing the things I want to do. I’m already planning my trip to Japan as I type.

You deserve to be happy and not to be in a relationship where you never feel at ease, and it deteriorates your mental health. Where you eventually start questioning what you did to make this happen to you. It’s not your fault, you just hoped for the best and gave benefit to the doubt. Now you can learn and be more aware of red flags in your next relationship.

Time is short, enjoy the moment, and when you least expect is when love will find you.

P.S. if you need a song to listen to when you need a reminder to self-love. I highly recommend you listen to IDOL by BTS. It might not be your taste, and most of it is in Korean, but the chorus says the phrase “you can’t stop me loving my self”. Hopefully, you’ll say it enough that you will be so happy to be loving yourself, that you will love your self anywhere and everywhere forever! Here is the link to listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBuZEGYXA6E